Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Five Finger Discount

I might as well tell you about the only time I ever deliberately stole something. The theft just so happened to take place on the exact day that I met Jon, though he has absolutely nothing to do with why I did it. (Not consciously, anyway. Ha! That is going to be mildly to moderately funny when you find out what I stole!)

Nearly eight years ago my friend Lianna pulled me aside in a panic at her wedding reception. A garter! SHE’D FORGOTTEN A GARTER!!!! How would her husband’s older brother EVER get married if he didn’t catch her garter at the wedding?? Luckily I somehow knew exactly where the nearest lingerie shop was, enlisted Christa to keep me company, and set off for Naughty or Nice, determined to save the day.

We quickly located a suitable specimen and made our way to the register where the cashier handed me a receipt to sign and motioned toward the pen jar. Well, imagine my surprise and supreme delight to there discover a veritable hoard of Bic pens with tiny plastic penises on top!!!!! They were flesh-colored and everything!!!!!!! I gingerly made my selection, signed the receipt, and would have returned the pen to its holder had the cashier not at that exact moment turned her back to fold some unmentionables. Christa, the most straight-and-narrow person I know, saw the look of evil glee spreading over my face as I closely regarded the penis ornament (pornament?), and I’ve never seen laughter turn so quickly to sheer terror. I lowered the pen, and with my gaze locked on hers, opened my purse. She shook her head violently, eyes wide, mouthing “NO!” over and over. I nodded slowly, a maniacal grin on my face. She gesticulated wildly. I dropped the penis pen into my bag. I’m pretty sure it fell in slow motion and caused an echoing thud as it hit the bottom of my purse. We hightailed it back to the wedding reception.

The conclusion to the story is twofold. A) We did NOT go to prison, and B) Lianna’s groom’s older brother DID catch the garter, never mind that he was the only one trying, and he and I were married nine months later. The garter hung from his rearview mirror for approximately five years until the Tucson heat caused it to turn crispy and rigid.

[PS - I typically don’t condone stealing, but if I could do it over again I would have taken extras.]

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Teachable Moment

Do not, under any circumstance, EVER say or type any of the following:

"Pinterest has the best recipes!"
"Pinterest has the best photography!"
"Pinterest has the cutest clothes!"
"Pinterest has the best ideas!"
"I read the best blog post on Pinterest!"
"I made it from Pinterest!"

Please commit the following to memory: Pinterest is not a retailer. Pinterest is not a designer. Pinterest is not a blog. Pinterest is not a photographer. Pinterest is, plain and simply, a place to catalogue images from the internet. It is a great tool for visually organizing bookmarked pages, but it is not the creator of those things.

[If I had a friend named Jerry who wallpapered an entire room with images of dresses he’d cut out of magazines, I wouldn’t say, “Jerry has THE BEST dresses!!” unless I was an absolute dummy, and I am not a dummy. Instead, I’d say, “Jerry has the best pictures of dresses!” You see the difference? Please get the language right.]

To make it easier for you, here’s a list of things you CAN say about Pinterest:

"I found it on Pinterest!"
"Isn’t Pinterest a great way to organize recipes from all over the internet?"
"If you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday, see my “Gimme gimme gimme” board on Pinterest."
"You can get lots of design ideas by browsing Pinterest."
"Look at this funny picture I saw on Pinterest!"

One more thing. If you want to link to something you found on Pinterest, send a link to the actual website, NOT to the pin on your profile. This will not only prove that you understand how Pinterest works, but also eliminate an extra step for me.


[PS - My mom once called me Jerry.]

Sunday, January 22, 2012

A conversation, circa 1994

Me: It's super easy to know the difference between "desert" and "dessert". "Dessert" has two S's, because you always want two desserts!

Corinne: But what if I want two deserts?


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Texts out of Context

(Continued from yesterday.)


[An acquaintance] got married and his reception is at Golden Corral!

Wanna couple double rainbow pics all the way?

This cat won’t start.

[ten seconds later] Car

Wow, I really have no qualms about text swearing!

My comp took a dump so I updated everything

Well I just spent a very productive last hour. I signed up for every place that offers a free birthday meal or treat in Provo/Orem.

Band aids are the one thing that’s worth it to not buy generic

Yay! I love heart attacks!

What are you doing for your mom for mom day?

Oh snap, don’t ever watch the Dark Side of Dolphins

[My kid] just touched Gunner’s ween

I’d say it’s a tie since I’m sure you would’ve had to hold his hand during the bellybutton ordeal!

Maybe Annie will rub it better for you

We saw Roach Frog on her mission on Temple Square and I called her Roach Frog to her face and couldn’t remember if she ever knew we called her that?!?!

Sorry I missed your call. We were taking an epic nap after a whole night of vomit.

I just had to do this word verification online and the word I got was crial! Wasn’t that our word for Christmas+trials?! The internet bastards stole it!

Name of a girl at the rodeo – J2. We are hoping it’s a typo.

There’s already a record for crotch shots

Sabbath+Rain=worst day ever!

Just ate at Rumbi

Does that mean I sent her the text about the pound cake??

Just watched Hugo and Hagrid sat down in front of me. Always lucky.

This is why we’re friends. Other people make fun of me for looking up restaurants online! For me it’s the highlight of my life!

Elizabeth freaking Smart is in my new ward! She’s my roommate’s visiting teaching companion and I just died when I found out. So how do you go about not bringing up somebody’s very public kidnapping while trying to make small talk? I will definitely need some tips.

[Aaaaand, the crowning jewel of my collection...]

My mom recently confessed she never bought a single shirt for [my brother] while pregnant with him because she was worried he’d be born with no arms!!! I couldn’t breathe for minutes because I was laughing so hard and all the while she tried to convince me it was a valid concern. Wouldn’t she need shirts anyway though? What was she going to do, cut a hole in a tube sock and pull it over his head?

Friday, January 13, 2012

Texts out of Context

So I used to do this thing on my blog where I’d post text messages I’d received from friends and family without any context whatsoever, and it tended to be hilarious. My friend Brittany came up with the idea and I glommed right on to it – see previous installations here, here, here, here and here – but when Jon and I moved to the Caribbean, cell phones and text messaging became a distant thing that I’d reminisce fondly about whilst boiling water to do the dishes and murdering hand-sized spiders in my living room.

But I’m bringing it back! And I have no good reason for not doing it sooner. I’ve had a cell phone since April and the bloggable sentiments have been piling up, so much so that I’m splitting this into two separate posts.


PART UNO (part dos here)

Looks good to me. You had better pray my next kid isn’t even slightly deformed.

Nothing says happiness to me like wearing a robe.

If you could photoshop that effing pepper that was STILL in my teeth out of those, I’d appreciate it.

Someone just opened a bag of beef jerky.

Are you having a pleasant trip?

The smell lingers after a midnight scrub and hose off in the barn. Smelled up the house and garage too.

I need to learn how to do something

Thank you for your prayers and your death threats.

I am texting you from the bathroom at work where the person in the stall next to me just had the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever heard.

I’ve told at least 3 people you don’t know that your birthday is on thanksgiving this year.

Probably got meningococcal septicemia

Oh man. Why are you gone when I say my best joke. Sheffield was in the hospital bc he had a peanut lodged in his throat. The obvious joke involves no teeth and not thoroughly gumming his peanut before swallowing.

Um let me think NO

Will you take her out cause she did not crap yet but she is a crap face

I’ve been wanting to go to an X-rated magic show forever so that’d be perfact! (Ashley H)

Do you need/want anything? Also—we have to get pie today.

Aristocats! My predictive text just guessed that one right off, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never typed it before.

I’ve never met a food I didn’t like. Except in Peru.

Here’s another Idaho name. Saw it in the paper. HevenLee. Yup.

“Man, you’ve got it goin’ ON!” – fat guy on cruise ship

[My husband] just came in. [That infant we're babysitting] puked on him. He said, “I don’t want another baby. He’s so lame”

Can you see the hate in Santa’s eyes in this? He’s apparently not happy about the over 50 pound crowd wanting to sit on his lap! Whatever, santa.

My parents will be so happy to see you! And by you I mean Penny.

They are living in dirt under the house and worms don’t rot, they dry up

I just posted the best Bigfoot sighting pic on my blog

I’m puking, in a good way, over your job too!!!

They will cut her open and we can’t have her on the mend while on vacay, that would ruin our lives.

This Angell guy is the worst.

I’m ready to eat cheese now

Poor can o’ beans

I forgot to call you when I opened the picture of that baby but omg!!! I’d put that baby up for adoption so fast! Jk. Maybe.

[And my personal favorite in this installment]:

I can not do contractions on this phone

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Something amazing has happened. It started happening a couple of weeks ago but it became official today. My position with my old company just became permanent – something I’ve been hoping for and (literally) dreaming about ever since I left the firm to go live overseas two and a half years ago.

Actually, I should say that this started happening months ago. My job hunt, in retrospect, went exactly how it needed to in order for this to come about. There were jobs I was certain I’d be offered that I never heard back on. There were jobs I turned down because I knew I didn’t have to settle for crappy pay and no benefits. There was an interview that I walked out on because I didn’t feel safe. There was this really weird experience with a recruiter who ended up actually being the company owner’s wife?? – I didn’t get that job; I’m sure it went to someone more ugly. And there was that one job that I worked for two days – two days that filled me with a disproportionate dread. Now, in hindsight, I know that no matter how much I’d hated that job, I could have never quit full-time work to accept a month-long temporary position with my old firm. THAT’S why I knew I’d made a mistake almost as soon as I accepted that job, even though I couldn’t properly explain it. THAT’S why three days of panic evaporated the moment I quit and walked out the door. THAT’S why I never heard back on those opportunities I had in the bag, and why I had such a strong feeling that there was something on the horizon – because there was. I now have a salary and benefits at a job that I adore, and I’m so happy and grateful about it I could just throw up.

The only downside of it all is that it came about in sort of a terrible way. I can’t sing and dance about this stroke of luck (at work, anyway) because it came at the expense of another person - someone well-liked who fell on hard times. I’m trying to find the balance between screaming the good news in the faces of my coworkers and feeling gutted about this other person. I’ve just started thinking about the two events – this person losing their job and me getting it - as mutually exclusive, and that seems to help even if it makes me an abominable human being.

So anyway, I’m working. I’m productive. I’m contributing to society. I wake up at 5:40 every day and I’m in bed by 10 every night, except for the frequent evenings that I pass out on the couch at 8:30 while Jon watches football. I’m a Sleeper. It’s what I do. Sleep is important to me, especially when I’m in a work routine, and styling my long hair just didn’t fit in to my early morning schedule so two weeks ago I enlisted Jon to help me lop it off. Six inches gone like THAT. The clumps of wet hair were making slapping noises as they hit the floor. I’ve been trimming my own hair exclusively for the past three years and it didn’t occur to me beforehand that my invented haircut might not work on a shorter style. It did not work on the shorter style. The good news, though, is that after my new hairstylist Jeff surveyed the damage he concluded that it actually didn’t look like I’d cut it myself, it just looked like I’d received a really bad haircut. So. There’s that. Anyway, all that to say that I’m so serious about my sleep I hacked my own hair off with a pair of dull scissors to shorten my morning routine by a few minutes.

In conclusion, when I texted a picture of my new shorter hair to my sister-in-law Lianna (freshly returned to the United States from the Caribbean), this happened:

Sunday, January 08, 2012

That's twice thus far

My sister ejected another infant from her womb! His name is Joseph and you can see more pictures of him on her blog.

Bubble and Geek

Me: Why is this British fish-and-chips joint called "The Codfather"?? And look - it's definitely a reference to the movie - because the employee's shirts have fish dressed as mafia mobsters on them. Why would a BRITISH fish-and-chips place use a play-on-words of an American/Italian symbol as its name and logo??? This makes no sense.

Jon: Please try not to ruin my dinner.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Photo Booth, Perfected:

Found this gem on my external hard drive today. Everyone else can stop trying now.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Blog Stats 2011

Total visits: 29,017
Unique visitors: 17,803 (5 times as many as last year!)
Page views: 51,245
Google Reader subscribers: 94

Total number of posts: 127
Total number of comments: 599
Least number of comments on a post:  Zero (On this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one. And that fourth one is really funny. WTH.)
Highest number of comments on a post: 125 (here.)
Most viewed post: Same as above (17,282 hits)

Traffic overview:

Top countries:

1. United States
2. Canada
3. United Kingdom
4. Australia
5. Netherlands
6. Netherlands Antilles
7. United Arab Emirates
8. Germany
9. New Zealand
10. Japan

Top states:

1. Utah
2. Idaho
3. California
4. New York
5. Texas
6. Arizona
7. Washington
8. Colorado
9. Virginia
10. Oregon

Top referring sites:

1. Facebook
2. Google
3. Blogger
4. jennieandregan.blogspot.com
5. jakeandkels.blogspot.com (private blog)
6. em-il-ie.com
7. Twitter
8. bycommonconsent.com
9. community.thebump.com
10. dnljensen.blogspot.com

Most viewed posts:

1. Names 2010!
2. Names 2009!
3. Names 2008!
4. Our Weekend...and a Note on Names
5. About
6. The Reveal
7. Jessie's Laws of Sacrament Meeting
8. The Good Old Days
9. I predict a bidding war
10. Office Bugs

Top keywords that led to my blog:

1. bloggity blog (461)
2. office bugs (137)
3. blog names (128)
4. jessica-jensen.blogspot.com (119)
5. jessica jensen (104)
6. http://www.jessica-jensen.blogspot.com/2011/04/names-2010.html (75)
7. suntan pantyhose (61)
8. halloween pantyhose (56)
9. jessica jensen blog (56)
10. rexburg baby names (47)

Best keywords that led to my blog:

"krayson" name meaning
a nun eating
accidentally cut my hamster's skin
baby name trager
baby name riggin
beach slave
brown hairy scabs in my eyes
condensed milk exploded in my (Cliffhanger! In your what?? INNN YOURRR WHAAAAAAAT????)
couldn't feel the needle in the cyst
crazy old man eyebrows
deformed vagina (FOUR people found my blog with this keyword!)
don't name your daughter Idaho
fupa hugs
hairy butt cheeks
how many children named Lucifer in 2010 and 2011?
how to name your baby without handicapping it for life
is diesel a stupid child name
ive made up a beautiful babyname (Well I hope you live in Rexburg so we can all see it come March!)
matted pantyhose
mykaeleigh shinehah
old grandpa mouth
oompa loompa fupa
procedure to clean up human feces in parking lot
rexburf Idaho baby names [sic]
riduculous cake [sic]
strippers in Rexburg ID
tayvian meaning
tough cowboy unique made up baby boy names (future parent of a Stetson or Rowdy, perhaps?)
unitard and pantyhose
(aaaaand my personal favorite) why does my parents named me Jessica