Five Finger Discount

I might as well tell you about the only time I ever deliberately stole something. The theft just so happened to take place on the exact day that I met Jon, though he has absolutely nothing to do with why I did it. (Not consciously, anyway. Ha! That is going to be mildly to moderately funny when you find out what I stole!)

Nearly eight years ago my friend Lianna pulled me aside in a panic at her wedding reception. A garter! SHE’D FORGOTTEN A GARTER!!!! How would her husband’s older brother EVER get married if he didn’t catch her garter at the wedding?? Luckily I somehow knew exactly where the nearest lingerie shop was, enlisted Christa to keep me company, and set off for Naughty or Nice, determined to save the day.

We quickly located a suitable specimen and made our way to the register where the cashier handed me a receipt to sign and motioned toward the pen jar. Well, imagine my surprise and supreme delight to there discover a veritable hoard of Bic pens with tiny plastic penises on top!!!!! They were flesh-colored and everything!!!!!!! I gingerly made my selection, signed the receipt, and would have returned the pen to its holder had the cashier not at that exact moment turned her back to fold some unmentionables. Christa, the most straight-and-narrow person I know, saw the look of evil glee spreading over my face as I closely regarded the penis ornament (pornament?), and I’ve never seen laughter turn so quickly to sheer terror. I lowered the pen, and with my gaze locked on hers, opened my purse. She shook her head violently, eyes wide, mouthing “NO!” over and over. I nodded slowly, a maniacal grin on my face. She gesticulated wildly. I dropped the penis pen into my bag. I’m pretty sure it fell in slow motion and caused an echoing thud as it hit the bottom of my purse. We hightailed it back to the wedding reception.

The conclusion to the story is twofold. A) We did NOT go to prison, and B) Lianna’s groom’s older brother DID catch the garter, never mind that he was the only one trying, and he and I were married nine months later. The garter hung from his rearview mirror for approximately five years until the Tucson heat caused it to turn crispy and rigid.

[PS - I typically don’t condone stealing, but if I could do it over again I would have taken extras.]