Bloggity Blog

Why you should never go outside

2013-05-08T14:51:00.001-07:00

We got rattled at by a rattlesnake! We were just blithely traipsing along a hiking path, me a few steps ahead of Jon, and then there he was, shaking his tail. Ever since we first moved to Arizona I always sorta wondered if I’d instantly recognize the sound if I heard it, and I can now say that the answer is a resounding yes. Our reaction was simultaneous and instantaneous – heard it, located it, grabbed each other and scuttled back four yards all in about a half-second. We were within just a few feet of him when he sounded the alarm.

We weren’t quite sure what to do. He was RIGHT there on the edge of the path, and there were lots of other hikers on the trail that day. We stayed a while and warned a few people, and Jon even tried to get it to scram by tossing rocks in its general direction, but he just coiled up under a bush and rattled at us more. Eventually we decided he’d be more likely to bite the next person the more we pissed him off, so we gave him a wide berth and went on our merry way.

I took to Twitter that night to find out what sort of rattler (pronounce it with two syllables instead of three, it’s way more fun) he was. Snake experts on Twitter are very helpful – turns out he’s a “tiger rattlesnake.”

See his tongue? I say "he" because snakes are boys.

According to Wikipedia this species has the most toxic venom of any snake in the Americas, but their venom yield is comparatively low due to their dinky heads, so I probably wouldn’t have died if I’d been bit. Nevertheless, I’d like to relay a personal message to the snake. Thank you, snake, for rattling at me instead of just biting me. I know that, as a venomous serpent, you have many options when it comes to dealing with hikers, and I appreciate you warning me before attempting to murder me.

kthxbai

limp

2013-05-06T20:38:00.001-07:00

DYING

2013-04-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

There's this website called Ravelry that you can use to search for crochet patterns, share your projects, research yarns, etc. My favorite feature is the "projects" page where everyone who attempted a pattern posts pictures and outlines any changes they made, giving tips and guidance for helping others' projects to turn out well. Anyway, all of that to say I found THIS today:

A very scientific experiment

2013-04-27T13:54:00.001-07:00

Photos by Cara Lott

Hypothesis: If I jump into this minuscule inner tube from the diving board, it will stop at my knees, locking my legs together and making it difficult to swim to shore.

First attempt was a failure. I landed on the edge of the tube.

Second attempt: Nailed it.

Hypothesis does not become theory.

Use the force

2013-04-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Vadering is the new planking (which was lame). Tell your friends.

The Rundown

2013-04-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

It's been over three weeks since this year's names post went up and traffic has come to a screeching halt, so it's time to go over some figures. This post didn't take off quite like last year's did, but it still did pretty good.

Hits to date: 10,086

[This is the part where I would post Facebook stats (shares and number of comments), but the site I used to track that stuff is gone now. Boooooo]

[This is the part where I would post the number of subscribers I gained, but Google Reader is on its way out and doesn't update my numbers anymore. Boooooo]

Tweets to date (not counting retweets): Somewhere in the 20s. Again, Twitter has never been a big platform for this post, which I've always found really interesting. Also, usually my biggest sharers are the Mormon stay-at-home-mom demographic, but most of the people tweeting the link this year were non-Mormon professional men.

Top referring sites: Facebook, Twitter, Blogger, By Common Consent, Pretty Life Anonymous, Natalie's Sentiments, Nameberry, Bridget's blog

Total comments on the original post: 171

Number of comments before someone claimed to personally know the -jello twins: 3

Number of comments before someone brought up Le-a-pronounced-Ledasha: 19

Total comments I had to delete before my mom saw: ZERO!!! It's a miracle, not a single expletive! No calls to repentance, either. Yet.

Other stuff:

This guy with 59,000 followers tweeted it. Surprisingly, it only accounted for about 1,500 hits. That's just 2.5% of his total followers. Makes me wonder how many of MY followers click the links I post.

So many good comments this year, but this one was definitely in my top five:

(I can forgive the second Anonymous for repeating Cannon, since the suggestion of "Plinth" pretty much rocked my world.)

After I received this comment (from a non-Anonymous account, mind you)...

...I texted Jon, "Did I just get my very first threat??" The commenter must have realized that it came across that way though, because the comment was hastily deleted and a similar one minus the "you better be careful..." part, from Anonymous this time, took its place.

I so wish I could be a fly on the wall of strangers' Facebook discussions of my post. It's my top referring site and it drives me crazy knowing that people (on both sides of the equation) are discussing it/laughing about it/reviling it, and I can't see any of that. I was emailed one thread, though, that pretty well made my life complete, because apparently someone with a son named "Draycin" hates my name.

It angered some people that I reject the name Le-a. My attitude probably didn't help.

Crap!!

2013-04-18T11:54:00.001-07:00

I forgot about the absolute best thing that has happened in the last two weeks!!! Consider this a PS to my last post. At our church last week, and I'm assuming at LDS churches everywhere, a message from the First Presidency was read over the pulpit prior to opening the floor for testimonies. It said the usual stuff that everyone always ignores about what a testimony is, inappropriate topics for testimony meetings, with an emphasis on keeping it brief so more people have the opportunity to speak. Well of course everyone completely disregarded it immediately, and the testimonies (depresstimonies?) dragged on and on. This one guy that neither of us had ever seen before was entering his sixth minute without ever referencing the gospel when Jon leaned over to me and whispered, "He doesn't even go here!"

Happy birthday, Jon! Sorry I suck!!

2013-04-18T08:50:00.001-07:00

It was Jon's birthday Tuesday! The big 3-7. We went to my aunt and uncle's place for Sunday dinner. She tied balloons to his chair and made strawberry shortcake:

It was a lot more than I managed to do for him. My AMAZING present fell through the cracks so I didn't even have anything for him to open, then the Jeep was acting up on my way home from work so he had to come get me. We went to Texas Roadhouse afterwards to celebrate then stopped by Cheesecake Factory for dessert to go, but I fell asleep at 9 before we even had the chance to eat it. The next morning, I found THIS on the countertop, and my heart broke into a million fragments:

Sorry Jon :( I'll make it up to you with a pool party this weekend. Tuesday birthdays are the WORST.

Speaking of the pool, it's warming up!

Glamour shots by Jess

This is my favorite desert plant, and this is the most glorious one I've ever seen. They're only in bloom for about two weeks out of the year so I've been drinking them in.

BEST LICENSE PLATE EVERRRR. I laughed for an hour. "GOTGSUS"?

Jon sang "I've. got. HOV" all the way to our destination. Ignore the dirty windshield. The Maz just turned 400,000 kilometers so you wouldn't even be able to tell if we DID wash it.

SO GORGEOUS OMG. We went on a hike at the McDowell Sonoran Preserve last weekend, and everything was blooming and it was the most beautiful day and I loved every second.

Two things, then I'm done I promise.

1. I just remembered a nightmare that my sister-in-law Lianna had like 7 years ago. She was working at one of those awful telephone survey call centers in Rexburg at the time, and dreamt that she had been assigned a survey full of all sorts of sexually explicit questions and that the call list was made entirely of numbers from her hometown. BEST. NIGHTMARE. EVER.

2. I was talking to Corinne about her upcoming trip to FRANCE AND ITALY, and then this happened:

Ada: I want to talk to Jessie.

Corinne: Okay, wipe your bum and wash your hands, and then you can talk.

Ada: PAUSE HER.

Names 2012!

2013-04-02T05:50:00.000-07:00

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It's the most wonderful time of the year! Southeast Idaho has REALLY outdone itself. How many awful made-up and/or misspelled baby names were there in this year's newspaper insert? Barf many.

(If you're new, read here. If not, read on!)

It's tradition to kick things off with the Mix-N-Match category. These names seem to be the unfortunate result of blindly picking syllables out of hats.

Skylee Ranae
Raegan Tyree

Taybree

Brylee
Brinley/Brynley

JaCee

Myla

Traven Cru

Amberlynn

Shaelynn Rylee

Shaylynn

Sharlee

Adalee

Next, the To-Be-Expecteds. I don't want to downplay this category. They are still all very, very bad. We've just grown used to them.

Jaxson

Ashelyn Rhain

Jayce

Brantley

London/Londyn

McKinlee (multiple)

Daxton

Paxton

Jett

Bentley Boe

Presleigh

Oakley (multiple)

Harlee
Riggin (!)

Sound-it-Outs

Callee

Kash

Alyxandra

Jossalyn McKinzli

Adisyn
Abigale

Rodnie

Invasion of the Ks

Kaebree

Kason

Kimber

Kael

Kaiya (TWO!! Spelled the exact same way!)

Kooper

Kambree

Kambrea

Kinzlee

Kloee Lorraine

Kaizlyn Mckenna

Kennassie

Keygan

Dad loves his guns!

Wesson

Remington

(This wasn't in the newspaper insert, but my parents personally know people in Rexburg with a daughter named Benelli and this seemed like the best place to mention it. They also know a Remingtn. Her family calls her Tinny but wouldn't it technically be Tny?)

Palmer Beard?? I hardly knew 'er beard!!

Palmer Dartell Beard

Gerunds

Racyn

Chasin

Treycin/Treysin

Kaclyn (cacklin'?)

Raelynn

Twins. Naming disasters x2.

Sutton and Nixon (both girls)

Xyra and Zoran (...blink.)

Aaaand it's what you came here for: The "WHAT the EFF???????s"

Jagger
Cherish Marymay

Greyleigh

Archer

Rayce (multiple)

Liberty Dyan

Diezel Jaxson

Makiyah

Jayde (a BOY)

Veora CrysLynn "Sunshine"

Jaxzon

Two-way tie for the absolute worst name:

Sargent Slade

Ryatt

(Sargent!!! Ryatt!!! SARGENT!!!!! RYYYYAAAATT!!)

Discussion:

Point 1. Each year I get accused of overlooking the fact that babies all over the place are named dumb things. I don't know how people make the leap from "This is a thing that happens in Utah and Idaho" to "THIS IS A THING THAT ONLY HAPPENS IN UTAH AND IDAHO," but regardless, they do. I will now preemptively link to my response to that accusation, here.

Point 2. The comments are fun, but when sharing names let's stick to first-hand experiences, reliable second-hand at most. None of this "My sister's old roommate is a nurse and her coworker told her..." stuff.

Related to Point 2. Le-a doesn't exist. The urban legend is rooted deep in racism. Stop repeating it. (Same goes for Orangejello, Lemonjello, Vagina, et al.)

Point 3. This is how I imagine little Jaxzon was named:

Mom: Which do you prefer, Jaxton or Zavan?

Dad: Well, which one will make us look cooler?

Mom: It's a toss-up. Jaxton has a J and an X, but Zavan has a Z and V, so.

Dad: I think we can do better.

Together: JAXZON!!!

When Stingrays Attack

2013-03-28T19:47:00.001-07:00

Of course I would get the dummy stingray that doesn't know how to eat food.

Hard to hear - I say, "It didn't even get it and it was biting my hand over and over again!" and Stingray Lady is saying, "You know what? Try it again. Try it again." I don't think I've ever seen my mom laugh so hard as when we played this video on loop, except maybe for when she watched this Vine (be sure to un-mute it).

The next thing I knew Stingray Lady was physically placing my hand in the water to feed a different, less toothy species.

She told me I could get some antiseptic wipes and Neosporin in the gift shop, and I hadn't realized I was bleeding until then.

One day post attack.

In conclusion, Youtube suggested this video and it's amazing.

Stay safe, everyone. kthxbai.

Ma!!!!

2013-03-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

My ma came to visit me!! Unpictured: A delicious walk at the park on a 75 degree day, the movie theater (Oz), Sonoran hot dogs at a parking lot food stand, Nordstrom Last Chance, paninis and creme brulee at Postino, Queen of Versailles (second viewing for me - it's on Netflix streaming, check it out), attempting to sneak into the church to play clarinet/piano but it was CLOSED....etc.

Pictured:

On our walk thru Downtown Glendale/Catlin Court.

Of course this was grounds for another trip to Wildlife World.

I die.

I talked her into touching a stingray, I REPEAT, MOM TOUCHED A STINGRAY. She didn't enjoy it, but she did it. (She has a weird thing with fish that preceeds the time my dad sprayed cheese whiz on her feet when they were wading in a lagoon in Hawaii.)

She'll never touch a stingray again, after what happened next.....(separate post. There was screaming and small amount of blood involved. Stay tuned!)

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Her trip, on Vine:

A licky reunion!

My mom feeding a giraffe!

Jon feeding a giraffe!

Penny got a backpack!

iPhone Dump, as Foretold

2013-03-22T09:40:00.002-07:00

This license plate, presented without comment:

This picture makes me laugh. The expression on her face...

Apparently this happened? I had no memory of it until cleaning out my phone pictures. There were multiple photos in the series, but this one's the best. Jon pulling faces at Penny:

Penny resting her head on Jon's shoulder:

Best thing that's happened in months. I left a wildly inappropriate, mostly anonymous comment on one of my favorite blogs. Fifteen minutes later, on my drive home from work, I got this text from Annie (who I didn't even realize READ that blog):

and it gets better, because the next day, I got this email from my MOM:

I laughed for a week.

Jon and I went to Costco for dinner (two polish dogs with sauerkraut and two drinks for $3. It happens frequently). I got our sodas and when I sat down at the table, this is how my hot dog had been placed on the table. #divorce

"I want a pony!"

It freaking SNOWED in Phoenix a few weeks ago. (and no one say, "It wasn't snow, it was graupel" because it was white and frozen and it fell from the sky and stuck to things.)

The sandstone rocks at Papago Park were GLOWING as we drove to our friends' house at sunset two weeks ago. Beautiful.

Penny on Jon (starting to realize I could have done an entire separate post with that title.)

Our Sacrament meeting program two Sundays ago.

THIS IS A REAL RESTAURANT in Chandler, AZ. This picture was texted to me by my friend Cara, but I've since seen it with my own eyes.

Dinner with out-of-town friends!

There were six hot air balloons, but I only managed to get four in this picture.

Breakfast at IKEA! This was my view:

and this was Jon's.

Best part is, I made us move because I wanted to sit next to the window.

Daily welcoming committee. I'll miss this when it hits 100 degrees. In three weeks.

My mom's coming TODAY!! Can't wait!

A Warm Surprise

2013-03-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

I have an iPhone photodump happening later today, but first, a blog-worthy moment. I took Penny outside to poo, and she did amazing. I grabbed a baggie from the dispenser to pick it up, but after an embarrassingly long struggle I realized the bag was completely sealed at both ends – defective. Annoyed, I tore off the next baggie, opened it up, reached inside, bent over, and grabbed the poo with my bare hand. Since the previous bag had been sealed at both ends, this one was OPEN at both ends.

kthxbai

Baby Bonnet Crochet Pattern (free!)

2013-03-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

I picked up crochet to make Penny a sweater, and I've continued because I find it relaxing. The problem is, I'm not really a huge fan of the look of crochet. I'm really selective in what I attempt because there is some truly heinous crochet out there. Even when it's not a piece that's totally hid, the overall look is just not my style. At all. That being said, I stumbled across a pattern for a bonnet on crochetlatte.com that made my jaw drop. I NEEDED THIS BONNET I HAD TO OWN THIS BONNET. It took me hours and hours and hours to make the first one, and when I finished I told Corinne, "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I made it!" The reason it took me so long was the perfect storm of A) a beginner crocheter having absolutely no idea what she was doing and B) a pattern full of mistakes. It took me making about 6 bonnets to sort it all out, and so I now present my modified version of crochetlatte's Apricot Bonnet.

my beautiful niece (photo by my SIL Kelsey)

H/8 (5 mm) for up to 3 months
G/6 (4.25) for newborn (quite small)
Remember, it all depends on your gauge. Don't sue me if the sizing is different for you. My gauge must be tight because the original pattern says to use a 4.5 hook for up to 6 months, but the one in the pictures was made with a 5mm and is already on the verge of being too small for her 2-and-a-half-month-old head, so.

Beginning puff stitch: ch2. *Yarn over, insert hook into stitch, yarn over, pull through and bring yarn up to height of rest of stitches* Repeat once more. Yarn over and pull through all loops on hook.

Puff stitch: *Yarn over, insert hook into stitch, yarn over, pull through and bring yarn up to height of rest of stitches* Repeat twice more. Yarn over and pull through all loops on hook.

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Magic circle

R1: 12 sc in magic circle. Join with sl st to first sc.

R2: Beginning puff st (see above). ch 2. *puff st in next sc. ch 2* repeat 10 times. Join with a sl st to 2nd ch at beginning (12 puff sts formed)

R3: ch 1. 1 sc in top of each cluster. 2 sc in each 2 ch space. Join with a sl st to beginning ch. (36 sts)

R4: ch 5 (counts as 1 dc and 2 ch ) dc in same space. *skip next 2 sc. dc, ch2, dc in same sc* (to form a V stitch) repeat all the way around. Join with a sl st in 3rd ch of begging ch. (12 V sts formed)

R5: ch 3. 4 dc in each 2 ch space (ch 3 counts as your first dc). Join with a sl st to top of beginning ch. (12 fans formed)

R6: Ch 3. Dc in each of the next 36 sts. (37 total, as ch 3 counts as your first dc) Leave remaining 11 sts. TURN.

R7: ch 4 (counts as 1 dc and 1 ch) dc into same st. *skip next 2 dc. 5 dc in next dc. Skip next 2 dc. 1 dc, ch 2, 1 dc in next dc* repeat to end. TURN

R8: ch 3, 2 dc in 2ch space. *skip next 2 dc. 1 dc, ch 2, 1 dc in next dc (middle of shell from previous row). Skip next 3dc. 5 dc in next 2 ch space* repeat until you get to the last 2 ch space. 3 dc in last 2 ch space. TURN

R9: ch 4, dc in same space. *skip next 3 dc. 5 dc in next 2 ch space. Skip next 2 dc. 1 dc, ch 2, 1 dc in next dc (middle of shell from previous row)* repeat to end. TURN.

*You can repeat R8 and R9 for a deeper bonnet, but I don't. That's one of the things I love most about this bonnet - the fact that it doesn't cover the head, it cups it.

R10: ch 3, 2 dc in 2 ch space. *skip 3 dc. Sc in next dc. (middle of shell) Skip 3 dc. 5 dc in next 2 ch space* repeat until you get to last 2 ch space. 3 dc in last 2 ch space. Ch 50 (or desired length) for ties. TURN.

R11: sc in 1st ch from hook and in each remaining chs. sc evenly across back of bonnet. Ch 50 when you get to the opposite corner. TURN. (I try to keep my scs along the ch 50 pretty tight, as that's what causes the ties to curl. Apparently that's not desirable in crochet, but I like it so whatever.)

R12: sc in 1st ch from hook and in each remaining chs. Sc across the front of the bonnet. Cast off. Weave in ends.

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My precioussss...

Annie!!!!!1

2013-03-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

Annie aka Manny aka Mangela came to visit me! And on the exact day she arrived, my mom bought a ticket down to see me in a couple of weeks! Family is the best.

Annie: Do you ever brush Penny?

Me: Yeah, like once a week.

Annie: What type of brush do you use? Metal or bristle?

Me: Metal. [five second pause] Do you want to brush her?

Annie: ...sorta.

Her first day here we went to the Wildlife World Zoo. IT. WAS. AMAZING. You should go. My boss has been encouraging me to go for months since she knows how much I love animals, and it did not disappoint. I've never been to a zoo like that before, where you could get so close and interact with so many of the animals. They were the most active zoo animals I've ever seen, too. It wasn't as pretty as the Phoenix zoo, but I loved it twice as much. You'll see why.

I took like a thousand pictures and videos, and please appreciate how hard it was to pare them down to these 20-odd ones, thanks.

Baby white tiger. RIGHT THERE. SO CLOSE.

Yawning baby jaguar

Playing with Jon through the glass.

FEEDING LORIES. This was the best day of Annie's life. We were at the zoo long enough to catch both feedings, a few hours apart.

It had just flung apple in her face.

Birdhead.

Don't mind the bits of apple on my head. It happens when birds clean their appley beaks in your hair.

Jon was there.

Annie being snuffled by a baby tapir! This picture and the next two kill me.

How do you do?

So freaking awesome. We were at this station for...45 minutes? Hard to say. I lost track of time.

Jon was there.

Those are my feet, that's a three foot high barrier, and that's a porcupine. They really put a lot of trust in their patrons.

ZOMG. So the bird guy recognized us at both lory feedings and invited us to this turaco feeding. These birds looked like cartoons. They weren't as friendly as the lories, but I liked them more.

Unpictured from our day at Wildlife World: the stingray tank. I can definitively say that of all zoo visitors that day, we spent the most time at the ray tank. I bought a cup of shrimp pieces for three bucks so we could feed them, which was startling and borderline painful. The guy kept saying "They don't have teeth, they have PLATES" but they felt and acted like teeth, so.

The next day we left early morning for the Arizona Sonora Desert Museum in Tucson, which was as fantastic as ever, and hit BK, Frost Gelato, and Wheel Donuts on the way home. Sonoran hot dogs...drool. It was Annie's first taste and she said they were worth the wait.

Lunch the next day at Postino. Paninis and creme brulee. Drool.

At church. Sister wives!! Don't worry, we only went to Sacrament meeting ('vacation rules').

Other things from the trip, unpictured: Potato tacos, a tour of my office, Tokyo Lobby for sushi, hot tubbing at my aunt's house, coconut shrimp from "China Super Buffet" (lately it's been a weekly occurance. Nomfest), dog park/walk, a pee-diaper flopped on the Mazda's side view mirror (we love our neighbors!), Nordstrom Last Chance, pho, fondue, and the movie theater to see Warm Bodies (second viewing for all involved. I LOVE THAT MOVIE).

I decided it was easier to put the zoo movies at the end. The first one sums up the lory feeding in 6 concise seconds. Annie and I shuffling along hoping for birds, Annie expressing her love, bird flitting away unexpectedly. It was supposed to be a Vine video, looping infinitely, but Vine SUCKS and my videos only work half of the time.

Videos on Vine:
Tiny Baby Monkey Leaping at Me
A Very Diplomatic Giraffe

kthxbai

The last post about my heart (I promise this time)

2013-02-19T09:22:00.002-07:00

I know I said I was done talking about my heart. I know I know. But I had my follow up appointment a couple months ago and thought I should update the blog with what I found out, because it’s sort of interesting. Better late than not at all? Maybe? (Full disclosure: this post would have gone up much sooner but it got lost in my drafts.)

Before my ablation, I had three major complaints about my heart. First, it would race or beat abnormally out of the blue, often when I was just sitting around relaxing, sometimes causing me to black out. Second, I had exercise intolerance – my heart rate would skyrocket within minutes of even moderate exercise. And third, I had chest pains when I laid on my left side. I never mentioned that symptom on my blog because my doctor told me in my first appointment that it wasn’t related to my arrhythmia and I didn’t want to sound like a hypochondriac.

After my failed ablation, he diagnosed me with underlying atrial tachycardia (which explained the exercise intolerance) that originated too close to my natural pacemaker to attempt to fix. So now I had two heart conditions, one of which they’d failed to fix and one of which was incurable. Plus the mysterious heart pain.

BUT! I found out at my (hopefully) last appointment that what I ACTUALLY had the whole time was a subset of super-tacky called atrial FLUTTER. Symptoms of atrial FLUTTER include arrhythmia, exercise intolerance (!) and chest pains (!!!!!). One condition to explain ALL of my symptoms. So I’m fixed. 100%. All my complaints, even the ones my doctor didn’t think could be resolved by ablation.

Which begs the question, “Uhhh…..why didn’t he suspect atrial flutter earlier?” Well apparently atrial flutter is really rare in young patients. So rare that he didn’t even suspect it – so rare that when one of the techs first suggested it during my second mapping, he replied, “That’s not possible.” He admitted/apologized to me in my follow-up that that’s why my second electrophysiology study took so much time – he’d never heard of flutter in an otherwise healthy heart before, so he refused to ablate it until he’d successfully triggered it multiple times to be absolutely certain. Luckily my heart was cooperating that day, and it all worked out, and now I can walk up the stairs without having to stop and gasp at the top before composing myself enough to walk into the office, and I can sleep however I want without angina waking me up (I don’t think it was actually angina, I just wanted to say agina. ANGINA.).

Also, note that I said it was hopefully my last appointment. Apparently arrhythmias can sometimes regenerate in young patients. BUT, if it ever did, we know exactly how to fix it, so my doctor’s not worried about it and neither am I. OH, and here’s something that’s weird. I still regularly feel like a TACH ATTACK! is imminent, but with the pathway destroyed, it can’t get into that sustained abnormal rhythm. So my dummy heart is still trying, but it can’t go through with it. My doctor says that’s normal and I’ll continue to have those sensations forever. It feels sorta like when you’re driving and your car goes into a dip and your stomach lurches …except it’s in my heart.

That’s all.

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See also:
Part 1 of ?
Part 2 of ?
Part 3 of ?
Part 4 of ?
Part 5 of FIVE!!!
Hearpdate
Stuff I Distinctly Remember Saying During the Operation

Texts out of Context: Episode XII

2013-02-15T09:57:00.001-07:00

Dad picked up his own phone and said “is this your new phone?”

You’ll never guess what just happened to me! I was cleaning the basement, and I had that part from the second Harry Potter movie stuck in my head where Ron says “follow the spiders. Why couldn’t he have said follow the butterflies?” Then I saw a big ball of lint on the ground and went to grab it, and at the last second I noticed that it was a giant spider!

When I get a real phone I will be able to tell you but I can only keep like thirty messages now

I think my uterus is normal. She had a good long feel today anyway.

It was enough to gag a maggot

Jeah.

I know him! He ate with us in the Lima MTC a few times! Poor guy….guaranteed immediate diarrhea…

There’s a boy in our ward this semester named Saylor Taylor.

So it’s finals week and I went to bed at 1 and got up at 4:30 but I guess I’m still better off than the girl who just whispered “I’m so tired” to herself in the bathroom stall next to me. But I’m the one in the stall on my laptop so I guess she’s not the crazy one after all.

I agree, gargling is so scary.

I’ll be the one sleeping and/or stabbing my eyes out!

You are a taco

I thought you might want to post my picture on your fridge for a month.

Ham bonus

Just finished watching Return of the King. I just didn’t really like the plot.

It would be awesome if Jon got something for Penny to give to you

Bring the cheese

Ok. Did you have a lesson? Are you watching the weirdo Miss America pageant?

I sent you an emell.

La Bomba!!!! That’s the name of the pill they gave me my last day in Peru!!

Does it cause butt problems too

Are you 80?

I love Christa.

Ada was so cute she kept wanting to hold my weird gloved hand and kept calling them my robot hands.

Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you’re gobbling til you’re wobbling! No, this is not a mass text. It’s for you, Jessie Sweet Jensen. Just in case there was any doubt.

There was a freaking kleenex on my side of the bed you nerd

Please don’t ever tell him how much I had to touch his ween. I’m going to have permanent wiener hands.

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Your turn!!

Texts out of Context: Episode XI

2013-02-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

It's long past time for new texts! This is only HALF. More tomorrow.
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A girl sitting next to me just plugged her ear as I ate an apple! Am I THAT loud?!?!

He was naming them and telling me their personality traits. Roxie landed on my head.

Dumps like a truck truck truck guys like what what what the hell was in that dentastix

Girl snow or boy snow

These are weird sentences I’m writing.

Go get some cream and call it a night

Are you watching the puppy bowl?

I am eating samples at sams club I have a problem

New fave: I’m Alive. It’s an Animal Planet show. Even better than I Shouldn’t Be Alive because it’s all animal attacks. Just don’t watch the one with chimps.

Steve puts it in his mouth! As long as you move it around fast enough it won’t hurt.

Holy crap bag sandwich annie sent us a shload of food

I saw a young guy dressed up as an old woman on my street corner this afternoon. Complete with walker.

Don’t forget the ham

Gross I ate one and almost got a brain malfunction

is there yogue

Ok. Nothing else mean tonight. I’m way over my quota. Probably for a lifetime. Going to bed.

WHAT?!?!?!?! When/how did this happen? And on a related note, how did you find out? Was it your aunt’s connection to the MoTab underground?

Hello mister gooch

There’s a new Reba sitcom. Malibu Country. I think you should check it out.

Ada was in tears this morning because she wanted her boobies to be big. “I don’t want wittle ones!!”

Just invented the word duhfcourse (duh + of course). Please spread it like wildfire.

We are at the pet store and I pointed out the goldfish. She says, “I like goldfish. I like to eat them.” Also—the mice are “happy to see me.”

Did you eat a gum drop cuz I did

Yeah it’s the scraping that gets me.

Ada: “my crotch has a face.” No idea on that one.

You should buy me something real nice.

Oh. And in the tire store I overheard a girl say she heard the government is hiding the fact that there is a planet behind the sun on a collision course with earth. And that some famous guy with a blonde ponytail was on TV saying they wouldn’t let him in to Area 51 and that they control the weather and caused the tsunami.

The teacher that substituted steve’s class while he was gone wrote “all hear” on the attendance sheet.

The Stuff of Family Legend

2013-02-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

My parents live in a beautiful house on a breathtaking acreage, with a stunning view of the Teton mountains, with gorgeous horses and a riding arena and the greenest lawn you’ll ever see, and spectacular, beauteous, staggering, awe-inspiring, marvelous. With all those selling points, it’s no wonder feral cats are always moving into the barn and trying to call it home.

A couple of years ago, a nasty hellborn feline took a fancy to the place and promptly deposited four kittens from her uterus into the haystack. My mom, a conscientious pet owner who had of course spayed and neutered her own barn cats, was now responsible for these four little kittens, destined to become as hostile (and fertile) as their awful mother. VICKY HAD TO INTERVENE.

She called a local cat rescue and they offered to take the kittens from her hands once they were old enough, so long as she handled them daily to make them tame. Seemed easy enough; the problem was the dreadful mother, that spitting, hissing incarnate of the devil. My mom knew that as soon as she started handling those kittens the mother would move the lot of them somewhere unreachable, so a trap was constructed in order to get them all corralled in the tack room where they couldn’t escape.

It was a success, but when she first set them free to wander their new little space, my mom noticed that the kittens’ eyes were all infected and gummed shut and their noses were snotty. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. So now instead of handling four wild kittens once daily, she was stuck administering medicine THRICE daily and she had to wipe their little eyes and noses clean with a warm damp rag. So morning, afternoon, and evening, she would put on thick leather gloves, enter the tack room, grope around inside the cathouse for a kitten, shower it with eye drops, wipe the all the junky crap off of its face, then repeat. All the while, the horrid mother sat hunched in the corner, yowling and hissing and making pacts with Satan. So it went for a few days without incident.

But then, The Incident. And what an incident it was. Wait til you hear. It’s really good.

My mom had a little white kitten in hand – the cute little one she’d grown to like the most out of all the kittens and had named ‘Pinky’ because of his cute little pink nose – and had just finished with the eye drops and was preparing the rag for wiping, when the devil mother flew at her leg in a wild, noisy, blurry fit of angry clawing and biting. She panicked, forgot what she was doing, and tried desperately to extract the cat from her body. When she finally succeeded, she surveyed the damage: lots of bites and scratches on legs and arms, lots of blood. Adrenaline pumping, it took her a few moments to gather her senses.

Then she remembered little Pinky.

There he was, plopped on the tack room floor. HE WAS FINE, but yes, Pinky got dropped. Hastily. Possibly thrown, who knows. Anyway, from then on she wielded a garbage can lid shield in anticipation of future cat-fury, and the kittens got better and eventually the shelter adopted them out, and the moral of this story is HOW ADORABLE IS MY MOM, NAMING THAT FERAL KITTEN ‘PINKY’????? zomg.

January Catchup

2013-01-31T18:49:00.001-07:00

Holy long, unplanned break from blogging. I'm not going to apologize though. I blog when I feel like it.

First things first. I got a text from my mom yesterday that read, "I hope you are nowhere near that shooting." I called to tell her that I was, in fact, near the shooting, but that I wasn't in danger and that the guy had run in the opposite direction so our office wasn't on lockdown. I'm a terrible daughter for not proactively calling, but it didn't occur to me that it would have made national news so quickly. Then I remembered that the hearings on gun control were taking place at the exact same time, so. I hardly ever get political on my blog, but, people. People. Let's be rational. Jon Stewart, as always, says it best, so I'll just go ahead and link to him. Part 1, Part 2. Post script, some idiot solicitor walked in to my office ten minutes after the shooting trying to sell crap. His opening line was, "Crazy about this shooting, huh??" So you're AWARE that someone just walked into an office three blocks away and shot a bunch of people, yet you're.....here......? Not the best time to be canvassing this neighborhood, dummy. I was not nice to him.

Jon and I watched the interview with Mark Owen, one of the members of Seal Team 6, when it first aired on 60 Minutes months before Zero Dark Thirty was released, then we watched Zero Dark Thirty last week, then we watched Mark Owen's interview again. And I recommend you all do the same. Fascinating. Also, I'd been hearing garbage from garbage people about how "annoying" Jessica Chastain's character in ZDT is, so I took to Twitter wondering if her character was legitimately annoying, or just annoying because she's a woman with strong convictions. And having now seen it I can definitively say that those people are sexists. I promise you none of them would have considered her character annoying if she were played by Jason Statham. Also, to go into that movie KNOWING the outcome and to come out saying, "'100%, 100%,' she was SO ANNOYING!" isn't just sexist, it's downright un-American. There, I said it.

Annie is coming to visit me next month!!!!!!!!

You know that thing where you're just talking, not even chewing food or anything, just talking, and you bite your cheek? That happened to me the other day, except that instead of my cheek it was Penny's nose. It's inexplicable. She was on my lap, and I was having a conversation with Jon, and she made a sudden motion, and the next thing I knew I had clamped down on something cold and wet.

It has been absolutely GLORIOUS weather in Phoenix. Rainy off and on and fluctuating between 50 and 70 degree highs. (It dipped below freezing for several nights a few weeks ago and that was great, too.)

It's cold enough in the evenings and mornings for hoodies, feather quilts, jammie + robe combos, and puppy snuggling:

Speaking of dogs, this is maybe the best thing I've ever seen? Spotted in World Market on a wine gift bag:

I am not a baker, but Costco was selling this fleur-de-lis Nordicware Bundt pan a couple of months ago and I became obsessed. I'd walk slowly past the display, staring longingly. Then one week, it wasn't there anymore, and I realized what a huge mistake I'd made, and there was a void in my soul that I thought would never be fulfilled. But in stepped Jon to save the day. Apparently the store still had a few in stock and he gifted me one for Christmas. So far this chocolate cake is the only thing I've made in it, but I foresee many Bundt-shaped treats in my future.

Three tablespoons butter, three tablespoons coconut oil, 1/2 cup Nutella, combine over medium heat. Melt in 6 cups mini marshmallows. Add 6 cups rice krispies. Press into greased 9x13. Die and go to heaven.

I told Jon I'd give him a dollar to do this the entire time my visiting teachers were over.

Dug up this gem of a conversation the other day. I call it, "Why Christa and I are Friends, Exemplified."

In conclusion, there is a BYU-I student named Raveen. Her siblings are Kanyin, Desert, Meysa, and Ridge!!!!! I cannot reveal my source, but this is extremely reliable, first-hand information. (To me. Second-hand to you.)

Memory Lane: Some of the Best Bits of 2012

2013-01-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

A new nephew
"My sister ejected another infant from her womb!"

Being rehired at my old firm and looking back on the job hunt
"There was this really weird experience with a recruiter who ended up actually being the company owner’s wife?? – I didn’t get that job; I’m sure it went to someone more ugly."

Reminiscing about that time I stole a penis pen topper
"Christa, the most straight-and-narrow person I know, saw the look of evil glee spreading over my face as I closely regarded the penis ornament (pornament?), and I’ve never seen laughter turn so quickly to sheer terror."

An eye exam
"She put the drops in, I sat in the waiting room by the trash can until fully dilated, then she completed the flashlight part of the exam more quickly than I’m sure she would have if I’d been different."

A testimony building experience
"God truly does know me personally."

YW days
"We could cook noodles! We could feed five whole people for a dollar apiece! We were going to be able to keep our children alive!!!!"

This comment from my cousin-in-law was one of my favorites from the whole year:

The Annual Baby Names Post
Paizli, Razdyn, Zavan, etc.

Several comments on this post deserve recognition, too. Some of them are from me. Is that lame? (Also, some are redacted. Also, they're not in chronological order, but you'll be okay. Also, I got called "evil" for the first time in my life in these comments - by Anonymous, who else?)

Moving on!

Pants on the ground
"The woman with the naughty dog screamed, 'I'm so sorry! I promise I didn't look!!' and Jon casually remarked, 'What? It's just underwear...', collected his pants and snapped them back together."

Thoughts on the Mormon obsession with modesty
"And for the men (oh gosh, I should have taken pictures) - translucent, clingy shorts that suction unrelentingly to penises upon exiting the water and leave absolutely nothing to the invagination-excuse me- imagination."

The comments...I can't even narrow it down. You really should revisit them all. There's comedy gold, there's anger, there's someone who's disappointed in me as a Mormon, and there's some awesomely inappropriate Gooogle search suggestions. The first half of the comments were mostly supportive, but then so many dissenters piled on that I set up this poll to get an accurate gauge of the feelings amongst my readers. As it turns out, pretty much everyone was on the same page as me; the most vocal group on the original post happened to be the minority. On the poll, a reader named Scotty said, "We should never hold someone to an expectation that their Heavenly Father doesn't even hold them to," which basically summed up every feeling I've had on the topic in 17 wise words.

An easy fix
"It seems like before the one-upmanship platform of mommy blogs came along, a whole lot fewer kids were getting three-tiered ombre fondant cakes for their birthdays, is what I'm saying."

Ode to pure crazy Ada
Included because she turned 3 last year, and also because of Jon's comment:

They burned my heart!
Included because, duh, my heart is fixed. It was sort of the biggest thing that happened to me this year.

Utah Christmas: Part 2 (the end)

2013-01-06T17:18:00.001-07:00

Me and Annie, headed to Dickey's BBQ

Jon's hand pretending to steal popcorn from the lady in front of us at Les Mis. We also saw Life of Pi and the Hobbit (all great, except for the actor in Life of Pi that played the author. AWFUL).

Annie feeding Joseph while Corinne, my mom, and Steve took their shift at Les Mis.

Huge herd of wild elk at the base of Mount Timpanogos at sunset.

Amazing.

Kneaders! We went twice.

Lunch at Whole Foods in Park City after the Outlets.

Jon's version of playing dolls is saying, "I like your dress! I like your lipstick!" over and over in a high pitched voice.

Jon's sister Kelsey gave birth in Pocatello while we were in Heber! What are the odds?? Especially since her previous daughter was born in Rexburg when we were home from the island on break, so we've been there for 2 out of 3. Crazy (and awesome). She cut it close though - this baby was born the day before we had to leave to come home, so we barely squeezed a trip up. Phew.

Kelsey is asking Jon, "Wanna hold her?" in the above picture.

Hazel Ruth

Yawning

Snowy day

We met the fam in SLC on our way back from Pocatello for Cheesecake Factory and TEMPLE LIGHTS!! Christmas isn't Christmas without a trip to Temple Square.

Annie and Steve in front of the beautiful reflecting pool nativity and floating lights.

I need one of those. (Snowsuit. And the baby too, I guess.) He was clearly warmer than all of us put together.

Corinne took this picture.

This, too.

Corinne and Kyle left the next morning, but not before squeezing in a round of the Dance Family Fun game after the temple lights. I haven't laughed so hard in years. Annie was the lucky one that pulled out "dingleberry" for the charades round. (Also, "Jon's pants fell down.")

I wish this showed up better :( It was snowing PERFECT LITTLE SNOWFLAKES. Like cartoon snowflakes.

All ready to head to Annie's frigid basement to watch Brave! Does posting this picture make me a modest fashion blogger??

Annie wearing the hat I made her!

The end. The rest of the pictures are from our trip home.

Sooooooo cold. The roads were great both ways, though.

It was 2 degrees at this truck stop in Scipio, UT. Yes, that is a zebra. Pretty sure zebras aren't designed to live in 2 degree weather.

8 Years

2013-01-05T23:02:00.001-07:00

2004

2012

Somewhere in there was our anniversary. JON WAS SUCH A LITTLE BABY OMGOMGOMG.

Utah Christmas: Part 1

2013-01-05T18:44:00.000-07:00

This was supposed to be our year with Jon's family, but all of his siblings are/were great with child(ren, one sister is expecting twins!) and unable to travel, so it was a Utah Christmas two years in a row. We spent the majority of our time in Heber at Annie's place and it was a week and a half of glorious family, food, and relaxation.

Snow in the mountains of St. George on our way up

Ada at Tony's Tacos, first stop (after Annie's house to drop our stuff). Dollar tacos. You should go.

Joseph and Jon. I am not exaggerating when I say I want five just like Joseph. There was never a more delightful baby.

The view from the porch of Corinne and Kyle's rental house.

Zoomed in. See the elk? I'll make it easier for you:

Hat sisters. This was at Heritage Park's "Candlelight Christmas" which was one of my favorite things we did. It was all about how the Mormon pioneers would have celebrated the holiday, complete with groups of carolers in period costume, a dance hall where you could learn the Virginia Reel, a live nativity in an actual barn, and Father Christmas.

Ada waiting her turn.

Best Father Christmas ever.

Matchers. SLC skyline in the background.

Ada and Nana.

At church.

Caroling with the cousins. The past several years my mom's side of the family gets together for a caroling party, but this is only the second we've been able to attend. So much fun.

Joseph and The General, after caroling

I asked for a riding lesson from Annie and she kindly obliged Christmas Eve morning. I hadn't ridden in years. My crotch did not thank me.

Taken from my grandma Sweetie's porch, Christmas Eve.

Corinne snapped some portraits of Annie and me with her fancy new camera before our traditional Christmas Eve fondue dinner. This is (I think) my favorite. It's hard to choose though. That's SNOW, not dandruff.

And I'm obsessed with this one of Annie:

Gift opening after dinner. Sweetie made photo books of each of her three children. My dad's looking through his in this picture.

Ada 'n Gunsie

Poppie 'n Gunsie

Ada playing in Poppie's walker

OMG, THAT BABY!!!!

FIVE. I WANT FIVE. PURE JOY.

Sweetie's beautiful parlor

Jon and Penny, Christmas Eve evening.

Ditto.

Christmas morning. Bed-headed Jon helping Ada assemble her new little camera.

Annie and Steve's gift to Jon and me. This picture of a raw steak was wrapped up in the most beautiful wrappings I've ever seen. I laughed for an hour. (They got us a ton of Omaha Steaks and treats! NOM) You can see the ankle bells I made for Ada in the background of this picture. I thought they would last maybe two wears. They lasted less than one. Ha.

I made that hat for Joseph.

This was a year of particularly thoughtful gifts. My mom had my grandpa's old clarinet cleaned and restored for me. I played it four years before I decided I was too cool for high school band. I'm reserving most of my Christmas money this year to go toward lessons and I cannot WAIT to start playing again.

And Annie drew this for Corinne and Kyle. Amazing.

We almost had a disaster though. Annie brought this special present out last from her bedroom and Ada overheard that it was "for the Monson family." Let's just say that if you had witnessed her tantrum when she was (first) told she wasn't allowed to help open it, then (second) physically restrained by yours truly when she lunged at it anyway, you would have thought she was in need of an exorcism. Three-year-olds don't understand the words "extremely fragile" and "priceless" and "heirloom."

More tomorrow.

What a difference a year and a half makes!

2013-01-05T17:40:00.002-07:00

Ada in church, July 2011

Ada in church, 2 weeks ago

They grow up so fast.