If you were to take everything in this world that is virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy and mash it all together in the form of one person, the end result would be Christa Keele. I was a gawky friendless transplant to Gardnerville, Nevada when we became friends, and she’s been one of my absolute favorite people ever since. We went to EFY (and every single stake dance within 60 miles) together, walked together at graduation, and drove over an hour to attend the grand re-opening of King’s Chinese Buffet after it had been closed down due to health-code violations. Currently she’s serving a mission in Peru, so I’ve got a collection of letters from her, excerpts from which you will thank me for sharing with you. I’ve also included some tidbits from some of my letters to her, because sometimes I say funny things, too.
Did you get a companion assignment right away? Is she crazy? Did she offer you a foot rub? Per your request, I prayed that she wouldn’t. Is the food delicious? Are you guys allowed outside at all? Are there….public showers? Can we give everyone nicknames like at EFY, even though I’m not there?
I have indeed nicknamed everyone in my district and here are my favorites: Helen Hunt (she’s a dead ringer!), and Mr. Incredible. Somehow I WILL get you a picture, but he must be the grandson of some Pixar guru because they definitely used him as the model for Mr. Incredible. Even a teacher asked him if he’d ever been told that. Everyone was embarrassed. But it’s okay because then he asked the teacher if anyone had told HIM that he had a receding hairline! Oh the harmony here at the MTC!
My companion is okay. She’s a Navajo from Sanders, AZ. Do you know her? I thought you might, seeing as how you’re both from Arizona and all. Anyway, we spend a lot of time explaining things to each other. Somehow she never learned some things in life, like what a c-section is, what Music and the Spoken Word is, what 2-a-days in football are, and what the Office is…so I’ve been filling her in on all that, and she’s been filling me in on things like, “When people have three red fingers on the reservation it means they’ve been eating fire-flavored Cheetos.”
You may or may not have been with me for this discussion back in 2001-2002. Jared Whitaker was telling a group of people about this one time he was passing the sacrament. Some old guy took the cup and decided to try to crinkle it AS he drank the water, but his timing was off and he doused his entire front in holy sacrament water. For some reason, I cannot think of that story without snickering to myself. I love it. WHOA, here comes another sacrament story. My parents were out of town one week so the Crossmans invited us to sit with them. After the bread went past us, Lianna leaned across me to Annie and rebuked her in a loud whisper: “Annie!!! I SAW that!!” So of course Annie is thrown off guard and is like, uhh, you saw what? And Lianna proceeds to pantomime taking an entire handful of bread off the sacrament tray, mashing it into a ball, and putting it in her pocket to eat in small increments throughout the day. That’s about the hardest I’ve ever laughed at an inappropriate time.
Here’s a story I think you will appreciate. The other day I was walking through the cafeteria when an Elder, out of nowhere, THRUST his hands out to stretch as he was sitting down, right when I was walking by, and PUNCHED ME IN THE CROTCH! Straight to the baby maker! He was pretty chagrinned, as was I, and I can almost guarantee he was on a plane home within hours of the incident.
So get this, they have a MAKE-UP class here at the MTC! I wanted to go so bad solely to write you about their “tips”, but I missed the sign-up!! If I sneak my way in I’ll definitely let you know how we can be more attractive.
I learned to say something I probably shouldn’t have in the MTC. It’s ‘cabeza de mierda’ and it’s what my grandma called me from the ages of 9-17. Use at your leisure.
OH MY GOSH, funniest story ever. So, Corinne was having this irritated uterus thing with her pregnancy, which means her uterus was cramping, but she wasn’t emitting the labor hormone. Anyway, she ended up at the hospital a couple of weeks ago (everything is fine, they just gave her a shot to stop it from contracting) and the doctor was checking to see if she had dilated at all. So she goes to do the exam, and for some reason it was excruciatingly painful for Corinne (they found out she also has a UTI, so that probably explains why). So she asked the lady to stop. So the doctor was like, “Um, okay, I guess I’ll have to do it manually” and Corinne was like, “Is that something you have to do often?” and the doctor was like “…well….I’ve done it twice”. So Corinne says “What were the circumstances?” and the doctor hesitates a moment, then says “Uh, they were both disabled”. HAHAHahAHAhHAHA!!!! When Corinne told me, she’s like “I HAVE THE PAIN TOLERANCE OF A RETARDED PERSON!!” and we laughed for an hour.
So my first Saturday I’m wandering around, wondering how I ended up in Peru, when I witnessed a rat get beaten to death with a bucket! We were walking down the street and saw a slight commotion ahead of us. All of a sudden there was a giant RAT running toward us. Don’t you worry about our welfare though, because before I knew what was happening, a man with a bucket came running up and started beating the rat! It was making noises I didn’t know animals could make. So then it dies (I’m assuming – it quit screeching anyway) and everyone goes about their business as usual.
I’m still working on the Spanish. I’d like to share two stories with you to illustrate that point. 1) We went to dinner at the house of some converts. It was me, my companion, two Elders, the converts, and another family from our ward. Well I can’t handle awkward silence so I, being the LEAST qualified person to do so, decided to make conversation. There was a volleyball tournament going on in our ward and the convert and member lady were both playing in it. So I said, “So…I hear you are both really good ---“ At this point I thought I said “at volleyball”. Now I don’t know what actually came out of my mouth, but it was met with looks of shock and horror and then riotous laughter on the part of the Elders. Afterward I was informed I’d just called them whores. 2) Some people were asking me about Easter traditions in the US, so I was explaining about the Easter Bunny and Easter baskets and obviously my favorite Easter candies. Well I was attempting to explain those little chocolate eggs that have a candy shell and are so delicious. Somehow I ended up describing male anatomy…I’m not going to go into more detail. I’m sure you’ve got it figured out, but it’s safe to say I left those people more than a little curious about how we Americans celebrate the Resurrection of Christ.
The end. And FYI, I emailed Corinne ahead of time for permission to broadcast her pelvic exam story online. She wrote back, "It should be shared".