Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jessie’s Laws of Sacrament Meeting

1. If your kid's toy falls at my feet more than twice, it will stay there.

2. Typos in the program will be circled.

3. If you have to squeeze past me to an available seat, your crotch points AWAY from my face. I realize that the alternative isn't lovely either, but at least that way we won’t accidentally make eye contact. This applies to movie theaters, as well.

4. Any expectations you have of me shouting "Alooooo-ha!" at you the Fast and Testimony meeting following your Hawaiian vacation will not be met. Additionally, I will not close my eyes if you ask me to, and no, I will not stand up and turn in place on your command (true story. I don't think I've ever glared so hard at someone in my entire life).

5. I will roll my eyes at any returned missionaries that pretend like they’ve forgotten how to speak basic English. And for the record – when you're back in the States, please pronounce your mission so we can all understand. Here in the US, "Chile" is pronounced "Chill-E", not "Shee-lay." I met a girl once that told me she served her mission in "oo-roo-guywyayyYYYY" and I asked her to repeat it TWO MORE TIMES before figuring out she was saying "Uruguay." I specifically asked Jon while we were dating if he EVER said "Bruxelles" while in North America, and could not have been more relieved with his answer.

6. Sorry, but if you stand up in front of everyone and mispronounce the hymn name, I'll probably be the most entertained out of the whole congregation. Case in point – my old bishop stood up the week before Christmas to introduce the intermediate hymn, "With Wandering Eye." And even better, the 2nd Counselor in our ward in Rexburg announced that next, we'd be singing "Upon the Cross of Calgary." I snickered, then laughed, and then it turned into one of those irreverent laughs where all you can do it hunch over and hope the speaker doesn't notice you shaking and wiping your eyes.

7. Sorry again, but if you stink, I will move. Jon and I had to leave a packed Sacrament meeting and sit in the hall when the guy that came in late and sat right next to us smelled just like pot roast. Jon sat up a little straighter, looked around, then leaned over to me and whispered, "Smells like dinner." After one of those irreverent laughs, we collected our stuff and headed out to the foyer.

8. Musical numbers are limited to HYMNS out of the hymnbook ONLY. I realize this eliminates lots of other good music, but this is the only surefire way to prevent me from ever having to endure another wavery-voiced teenage girl tackling "His Hands" during Sacrament meeting.

10 comments:

  1. Mormons are so gosh dang weird.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My recollection of the incident with "dinner buddy", has us ending up on the couch in our apartment, not the foyer. No skin off my back, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

    ReplyDelete
  3. my eyes are tearing so badly i could hardly read them all. . . for the love. i'm glad you pointed out the mission pronunciation whatnot, as it is one of my pet peeves...and someone i know does it all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh and that comment from jake was really me... oops. and so is this one...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my goodness. Seriously, when is your book coming out, because I will stand in line for an autographed copy! You are so dang funny!

    ReplyDelete
  6. HEy, cousin Peter in Cali just postin on your blog. Funny funny stuff about sacrament meeting. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey I served in Bruxelles too!! Ohhhh, I'm having a baby next week - maybe I'll name her that too! But I'll spell it Brookselles, so people will say it right. :)

    You are funny!

    ReplyDelete
  8. discovered your blog from the name list, you're hysterical!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my goodness....those are spot on! So glad I came across your blog because I'm looking forward to getting some good laughs. Take care!

    -Kristen
    The Mrs. and The Momma

    ReplyDelete