Utah Christmas: Part 1

This was supposed to be our year with Jon's family, but all of his siblings are/were great with child(ren, one sister is expecting twins!) and unable to travel, so it was a Utah Christmas two years in a row. We spent the majority of our time in Heber at Annie's place and it was a week and a half of glorious family, food, and relaxation.

Snow in the mountains of St. George on our way up

Ada at Tony's Tacos, first stop (after Annie's house to drop our stuff). Dollar tacos. You should go.

Joseph and Jon. I am not exaggerating when I say I want five just like Joseph. There was never a more delightful baby.

The view from the porch of Corinne and Kyle's rental house.

Zoomed in. See the elk? I'll make it easier for you:

Hat sisters. This was at Heritage Park's "Candlelight Christmas" which was one of my favorite things we did. It was all about how the Mormon pioneers would have celebrated the holiday, complete with groups of carolers in period costume, a dance hall where you could learn the Virginia Reel, a live nativity in an actual barn, and Father Christmas.

Ada waiting her turn.

Best Father Christmas ever.

Matchers. SLC skyline in the background.

Ada and Nana.

At church.

Caroling with the cousins. The past several years my mom's side of the family gets together for a caroling party, but this is only the second we've been able to attend. So much fun.

Joseph and The General, after caroling

I asked for a riding lesson from Annie and she kindly obliged Christmas Eve morning. I hadn't ridden in years. My crotch did not thank me.

Taken from my grandma Sweetie's porch, Christmas Eve.

Corinne snapped some portraits of Annie and me with her fancy new camera before our traditional Christmas Eve fondue dinner. This is (I think) my favorite. It's hard to choose though. That's SNOW, not dandruff.

And I'm obsessed with this one of Annie:

Gift opening after dinner. Sweetie made photo books of each of her three children. My dad's looking through his in this picture.

Ada 'n Gunsie

Poppie 'n Gunsie

Ada playing in Poppie's walker

OMG, THAT BABY!!!!

FIVE. I WANT FIVE. PURE JOY.

Sweetie's beautiful parlor

Jon and Penny, Christmas Eve evening.

Ditto.

Christmas morning. Bed-headed Jon helping Ada assemble her new little camera.

Annie and Steve's gift to Jon and me. This picture of a raw steak was wrapped up in the most beautiful wrappings I've ever seen. I laughed for an hour. (They got us a ton of Omaha Steaks and treats! NOM) You can see the ankle bells I made for Ada in the background of this picture. I thought they would last maybe two wears. They lasted less than one. Ha.

I made that hat for Joseph.

This was a year of particularly thoughtful gifts. My mom had my grandpa's old clarinet cleaned and restored for me. I played it four years before I decided I was too cool for high school band. I'm reserving most of my Christmas money this year to go toward lessons and I cannot WAIT to start playing again.

And Annie drew this for Corinne and Kyle. Amazing.

We almost had a disaster though. Annie brought this special present out last from her bedroom and Ada overheard that it was "for the Monson family." Let's just say that if you had witnessed her tantrum when she was (first) told she wasn't allowed to help open it, then (second) physically restrained by yours truly when she lunged at it anyway, you would have thought she was in need of an exorcism.  Three-year-olds don't understand the words "extremely fragile" and "priceless" and "heirloom."

More tomorrow.

What a difference a year and a half makes!

Ada in church, July 2011

Ada in church, 2 weeks ago

They grow up so fast.

Blog Stats 2012

(Last year's here.)

Total visits: 43,756
Unique visitors: 28,234
Page views: 82,846
Google Reader subscribers: 182 BUT! The subscription amount in Reader for my blog seems to have gotten stuck. The number used to fluctuate constantly, but it’s been the exact same since about August. So this likely isn’t accurate. Any thoughts on how to unstick it? I’ve searched and searched and I’m not the only one it's happened to, but no one has an explanation :\


Total number of posts: 84
Total number of comments: 975
Least number of comments on a post: 0, on this one.
Highest number of comments on a post: 456, on this one.
Average number of comments per post: 12 (This is what an outlier does to math, kids.)
Most viewed post: See "highest number of comments." Analytics says it has 18,865 views, but Blogger says 34,749?? Why such a gap? We'll go with the higher number on this one even though it'll skew all the rest of my stats, which came from Analytics.


Traffic overview:

...yeah.



Top countries:

1. United States
2. Canada
3. United Kingdom
4. Australia
5. Sweden
6. Germany
7. New Zealand
8. United Arab Emirates
9. India
10. Philippines



Top states:

1. Utah

2. Idaho

3. California

4. Arizona

5. Texas

6. Washington

7. New York

8. Virginia

9. Oregon

10. Pennsylvania

Top referring sites: (I combined mobile sites and web sites. For example, both Facebook and m.facebook.com were in my top ten, so I counted them as one.)

1. Facebook
2. Pinterest
3. Blogger
4. bycommonconsent.com
5. Google
6. em-il-ie.com
7. jakeandkels.blogspot.com (private blog)
8. myadventuresintucson.blogspot.com
9. Reddit
10. catsandcardigans.blogspot.com



Most viewed posts:

1. Names 2011!
2. Names 2010!
3. Names 2009!
4. Our Weekend...and a Note on Names
5. Names 2008!
6. That Word
7. My Poo Free Experiment
8. When Mutual Goes Wrong
9. About Me
10. The Good Old Days




Top keywords that led to my blog:

1. bloggity blog (295)
2. jessica jensen blog (221)
3. blog names (192)
4. poo free (151)
5. jessie jensen (124)
6. jessica jensen (100)
7. poo free hair (90)
8. blog names list (80)
9. jessica-jensen.blogspot.com (76)
10. shake face (48) --So proud this made it into the top ten!!



Best keywords that led to my blog: (These are in chronological order this year as opposed to alphabetical. It was a major chore to go through them ALL at the end of last year, so this time I wrote down the best at the end of each month.)

tayvian name meaning
2 inch nipples
a made up funny and horrible name for a person
blaggertyblog
creepy eye in background of photo (I don't know about a creepy eye, but how about a creepy GUY?)
drawing "first penis"
everyone gives me weird looks when i tell them i want to name my son zayden
eyes pointing in different directions
famous people named Paityn
flesh eating disease in a horse
how many people have the name cason in the whole world
how many people spell their name jeniffer
idaho designer baby names (oh man. Is THAT what they're calling it?)
kathy zader live together with bob burg and got pregnant (Is it any of your business what Kathy and Bob did?)
my poo
plastic penis for pens
should I name my son rowdy (You've come to the right place!! But the answer is no.)
ways to spell Hendrix baby name
what's up with my poo?
dr probe
the finger next to my toe always cramps
flesh eating bacteria patient enjoys sunshine
i had a crush on Commander Riker (ME TOO)
lds views on golden showers in marriage (Multiple. A reader named Jen predicted this outcome in the comments of this post. "Welcome, everyone!")
neckbeard bingo
should I name my son rowdy
weirdest thing on the internet
"sunshine in my soul today" -jesus
pronounce name chyloh
happy birthday cake images with name shard (So specific!)
what does not normal iguana poop look like
baby name kaislynn
that awkward moment when you see a haboob
giant gong
baby boy name xavery
baby names mormon pick by syllable
ferret sweater crochet pattern free (I can’t say anything, I made a dog sweater.)
uterus birthday
bloggity log

FREE THING (too late, it's over!)

-------------------IMPORTANT UPDATE: The hat has found a forever home!---------------------


I forgot to mention that I was going to Utah for Christmas. Now I'm back. Lots of blogging to follow, including pictures from the trip AND my blog stats from last year, AND quite possibly a recap of 2012, AND also photos of the gifts I crocheted as Christmas presents but FIRST- does anyone have a large head?

This was my first attempt at Annie's hat and the "adult" size turned out wayyy too big (I used this pattern). It's just kind of cupping my head in this picture - I didn't have to stretch it at all. Sorta bonnety, and there's no way I'm unraveling the whole thing to salvage $2 worth of yarn. Took me like a day to make it. I'm pawning it off, is what I'm saying. Email me at jjensen zero two four at gmail dot com if you're interestedTHAT'S RIGHT!! You don't have to comment! You don't have to pin it! You don't have to post this to Facebook or even tweet about it or nail my blog adress to a telephone pole! Just send me an email if you're interested.

Shipping and handling included! Would make a lovely belated Christmas gift for your large-headed friend!!

She Sees You When She's Sleeping

Ding Dong Merrily On High!

Pantsdemonium

[In case you haven’t been hearing about the Mormon Women Wearing Pants to Church Day hullabaloo, here’s a link that summarizes the entire thing perfectly. There are a ton of other discussions out there on the topic, but start with that one first.]


WHY I AM TEMPTED TO WEAR PANTS TO CHURCH THIS SUNDAY:

• First and foremost, I wish women had a greater presence in the Church. There’s a whole host of ways women could increase in visibility with absolutely no doctrinal changes whatsoever - see some good suggestions here. (It’s interesting to note that one of the proposed changes on that list came to pass last General Conference when the mission age for women was reduced from 21 to 19.) Again, these are policy and cultural changes only.

• There is nothing doctrinal even remotely suggesting that women can only adequately worship in a skirt or dress. It’s purely the result of culture.

• A Mormon chapel is the only place on earth where a denim jumper is considered more appropriate than a pantsuit. Personally, I own at least three pairs of pants that are dressier than half of my skirts.

• There’s a woman in my ward who wears nice slacks each week. I honestly don’t know the reason, but I suspect it’s related to her health. Social taboo means that week after week, she will be the ONLY one dressed differently. I bet she’d appreciate it if one week she showed up and she wasn’t the only one dressed in slacks.

• I sit in front of 16-year-old teens during the second hour and I constantly fidget with my skirt, wondering if I’m flashing a little bit of white.

• It’s freaking COLD in the chapel.

• What year is this, again?

WHY I PROBABLY WON’T WEAR PANTS TO CHURCH THIS SUNDAY:

• People might see it as a personal offense, or worse, an attack against the Church, and I can’t explain my above reasons to every single person in the ward. (Then again, can’t they “choose” not to be offended by it, just like all the times I’ve chosen not to be offended by political statements snuck into testimonies, racist and homophobic comments made in Relief Society, and parents who do not clean up their kids’ nasty Cheerio messes?)

• I don’t want people to read anything more into my intentions than what I’ve outlined above.

• I can’t think of a single way to frame the inevitable discussion with my Sunday School students in a manner that wouldn’t result in phone calls from parents.

• I see the significance in pants, specifically, as a feminist symbol, but I really don’t think that wearing pants to church is an effective way to change attitudes, especially now that the issue has become so divisive. (You should read some of the vitriol from the opposition. All hell has broken loose over this.)

All that being said, wearing purple, a color associated with the feminist movement, has been suggested as an alternative to the controversial pants-wearing. I’ll probably do that instead, as a subtler and less schismatic display of solidarity.

That's all.

Potato Tacos

I know, I know, sounds weird, get over it. My friend and I were discussing our ultimate comfort foods and she threw out "potato tacos." My face looked like yours, until she described them.

We've had them twice this week.


You will need:

Mashed potatoes (we use yellow; they make the best mash.)

Corn tortillas

Chopped cabbage

Lime wedges

Hot sauce (optional)

Toothpicks for pinning tacos flat

Oil for frying

Heat oil over medium or a little less. You don't need much, maybe a half-inch? Microwave tortillas for 30 seconds or so - otherwise they'll tear when you fold them. Spoon on some potato mixture (not too much or else you'll be sad that you can't fit as much cabbage in later).

Fold over and pin with toothpick. 

Fry for a minute or so on each side, until goldeny. BE CAREFUL AND KEEP FLOUR A FIRE EXTINGUISHER A WELL-FITTING LID NEARBY. Hot oil is terrifying.

Remove toothpick, fill with cabbage, squeeze a shload of lime juice on there, add a few drops of hot sauce, and NOM!!!

The Good Old Days, Episode IV

See also:
Episode I
Episode II
Episode III
Episode V

----------------------------------------

Our birth stories. Jake, the first, was NINE POUNDS and took his sweet time – 20 hours of hard labor for my poor, tiny mom. My parents insist that right after Corinne was born she stopped crying, lifted her head, and took a good long look around the room. Annie wasn't breathing, and since she was born in a German hospital my terrified parents couldn’t discern what the doctors and nurses were yelling about. And I came squirting out unexpectedly. As the story goes, the doctor leapt across the room and caught me by an ankle before I hit the ground. That story comes from a father who is prone to great exaggeration, so believe half of it (maybe less).

How Annie and I used to catch garter snakes and store them out in the garage in an old toaster oven.

That time Annie accidentally decapitated one of the toaster snakes. She was trying to make it slither by stooping over, gripping the head, and dragging in a snakey motion as she walked. Then she stepped on its tail. The end.

MOHAMMAD. We were both five and our dads worked together. Mohammad’s mom was learning English, so my mom helped out by watching their demon son while she attended class. He was the most toxic, feral, hellborn child I have ever encountered in my life. He antagonized me relentlessly; mimicking, undermining, pulling hair. He tortured the kitten that his parents gave him. One night, when his family had us over for dinner, I was playing with one of his older sister’s Popples and in a jealous fit Mohammad tore it out of my grip. I tried to hold on, but when he’d finally wrested it from me all that was left in my hands was a dismembered Popple ear. No one had noticed, so I stashed it in my pocket and when all the rest of the kids thundered off to dinner, I hung back, glanced left, glanced right, then stuffed the ear back into the hole and scampered away.

That time Jake lost a salamander in the house. A week later it scared the life out of my mom when it came crawling out from under the piano, completely covered in dust bunnies.

How I thought that football players in a huddle were praying.

How we used to gauge our ages by where we’d lived at the time (I still do, and I’m sure my siblings do too. Instead of saying, “When I was 10,” I say, “In Virginia….”). Anyway, we were once teasing 6 year old Annie about something silly she’d done a year before and she replied defensively, “That was in Kansas!” [translation: “It’s been forever, let it go already!”] but immediately continued on in dawning realization, “This IS Kansas!”

That time I was glinting my new watch off the face of a long-suffering fellow Pizza Hut customer. I didn’t realize what it was like on his end, blinding light in his eyes and all. After what must have been several minutes of me staring intensely at the guy and wriggling my wrist in an attempt to individually circle all of his facial features, my brother Jake noticed what was going on and grabbed my arm to stop me.

That time there was a volcanic eruption. My dad called my mom in a panic from work, telling her that Mt. Spurr 80 miles west of Anchorage had erupted and that the entire city would be covered in ash within hours. Our garage was full of boxes, so we frantically worked to rearrange it all so that the vehicles could fit inside (I used “we” loosely there). Over the next couple of days the entire city became blanketed in a half-inch of ash that lingered for months. My sisters and I would play “school” in the street by drawing out assignments in the silt with our index fingers – NERDS! (Here’s a link to more information about the eruption.)

That time I got blown across the schoolyard in Alaska. People never believe this story but I promise it’s true. My parka caught a gust and became a sail. I had to duck and roll to avoid the rapidly approaching fence. I was scared to go outside for a year.

That time A) I was 14, B) my parents were out of the country, C) Corinne was away for the night with friends, and D) a hospital an hour away called to say that Annie was there and to please have an adult call for more details. I had an emotional breakdown on the spot. Corinne didn’t have a cell and hadn’t left me a number where I could reach her. My parents were in the bowels of the Costa Rican rainforest. After a few minutes of reverse dry heaving I had the sudden inspired thought to check CallWave, an online messaging service from back when teenagers being on the internet tied up phone lines and caused dads to be very angry. My parents paid like 5 bucks a month and people could leave a message instead of just getting a busy signal. It just so happened that CallWave started us on a free trial upgrade to caller ID that exact same day, and that Corinne had called from her friend’s cell as they drove away from the house, and that I had happened to be online when she called, so I had a number where I could reach my sister. Turns out Annie’s horse had taken a tumble and she’d hit her (helmeted) head on a rock. The concussion wasn’t severe, but enough that Corinne and I had to take turns waking her up every hour during the night to make sure she wasn’t… I don’t know, dead? Unconscious? My favorite part of this story comes from Annie’s friend’s version of the events. After the fall, Annie insisted that she was okay, but just to be safe she led her horse back to the trailer instead of riding. She was acting strange, though, and her friend knew something was definitely wrong when Annie stopped her horse to pull some half-buried, broken, garbage sunglasses out of the sandy path. “Are these yours?” Annie asked. “They’re not mine…are they yours?” Lucia replied apprehensively. Annie looked distraught as she struggled to remember, then defeatedly replied, “I don’t know.”

How my mom is the most caring, patient mom on earth except in the following five situations: when nail clippers are borrowed and not returned to their rightful place, when in close proximity to a Gum Chewer, when dress-ups are left on the floor, when her face is being touched, when asked how long to microwave a food item.

'Tis the Season!

My house is Chrismassed! Or should I say, one corner of my house. I'm not big on holiday decorations. They take up too much space the rest of the year.

Oh wait, what's that? There, at the top of the bookshelf?

MORE FREE CHRISTMAS PRINTABLES, from my computer to yours. Happy December!

 (Download here.)

(Download here.)

Semi-related, this happened OH YES I DID:

Holiday Weekend

• Thanksgiving! We celebrated with my aunt and uncle and my cousin (and his family) at his in-law's house in Scottsdale, along with about twenty other people, half of which we'd never met before. We sat with a Navajo man and his family, and he told us this awesome story about his conversion to the gospel that involved a summer away from the reservation working on a potato farm in Driggs, Idaho, being introduced to the LDS church, then returning home and going on a 4-day spiritual quest in the mountains to find out for himself if the church was true. Fascinating. (The fact that I was eating dinner with a Native American, and that therefore my Thanksgiving was more legit than yours, was not lost on me in the moment.)

• It was my birthday yesterday! I don't care what everyone else says, I love birthdays. We slept in, ate pancakes, saw a movie (Lincoln; more on that next), ate lunch at my favorite restaurant, decorated for Christmas, opened presents, and had fondue at home for dinner to celebrate the conclusion of my 27th year. 

Postino (Central). You should go there.

• Apparently I have worse luck at movie theaters than most people, and Lincoln was no exception. We sat in the far back; a woman in the very front row pulled her phone out about once every fifteen minutes and held it up for the entire theater to see. I was too far away to yell at her, but I did get to join the rest of the audience in yelling at the old man who loudly ANSWERED HIS PHONE during a critical moment in the film. That's not even all - some beefcake teenager in a tank top sat right next to Jon and had a 150 minute long conversation with the movie. Jon asked him to kindly stop shaking his leg partway through, as it was causing THE ENTIRE ROW to bounce. A woman nearby tuberculosis-coughed every thirty seconds, and the guy directly to my left smelled like beef jerky. I say it every time but this time I might be serious - I AM DONE WITH MOVIE THEATERS (and any places with people, in general).

• At church I spent a few minutes chit-chatting with a girl that I thought maybe I could be friends with. Then I asked her what her son's name is: Diesel. I pointed her out to Jon as we pulled out of the parking lot and he recognized her husband as "that dude that said, 'If you don't vote for Mitt Romney, I don't know how you can consider yourself Mormon' during Elder's Quorum." So much for potential new friends!

• My angry, itchy red welts have browned and hardened into ugly, itchy scales. So hot right now.

Text within Context

PENNY GOT INTO THE GARBAGE!!! First time EVER. Little dummy. Jon sent me a text detailing her uncharacteristic, wild binge on used Kleenex and Q-tips and her subsequent shame, and concluded it with, "Clearly we are not feeding her enough mucous or ear wax."

Stuff I Distinctly Remember Saying During the Operation

"Are you feeding the wires in now?"
"Owwww." [coupla times]
"Last time I had a burn mark near my incision, what was that from?"
"Is it in my heart?"
"And that's abnormal?"
"Am I asking too many questions?"
"Yes!! I really really wanted to but I didn't know if I was allowed." [When Frank invited me to turn my head and watch the screen.]
"Are you going to burn??"
"You're for sure going to burn??"
"Are you feeding the burner in right now?"
"Put me to the moon, Frank." [When the doctor replied yes to my previous question.]
"Owwwww." [couple more times.]
"They burned my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!" [To Jon, as they wheeled me out of the operating room.]

--------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sure there was a lot more, since I found an entire texted conversation I had with my friend Amber directly after the procedure that I had no recollection of until yesterday afternoon. And since this is the last I plan to write on the topic, my doctor is Dr. Michael Zawaneh at Arizona Arrhythmia Consultants in Scottsdale, and he's the best doctor ever, and he fixed my heart, and I highly recommend him for all of your cardiac ablation and electrophysiology needs.

kthxbai

--------------------------------------------
See also:
Part 1 of ?
Part 2 of ?
Part 3 of ?
Part 4 of ?
Part 5 of FIVE!!!
Hearpdate
The last post about my heart (I promise this time)

Hearpdate

I still feel great. Yesterday was a little eventful though; we were at my aunt and uncle’s house and as soon as I sat down at the table for lunch after proclaiming how amazing I felt (considering), I started to feel weird. Lightheaded, dizzy, shaky. My cousin’s daughter asked me to pass the salt and I fumbled it. After a few minutes of trying to act normal, I left the table to go lay on the couch and I got all cold and clammy. No nausea, though, just this weird out-of-body feeling. We scrammed out of there not too long after, and as soon as we got home Jon checked my hospital discharge papers which informed us to notify the doctor on-call immediately if I felt any lightheadedness or dizziness. I called, and it was miraculously MY doctor that was on-call, and since he’s the best and most attentive doctor EVERRR he told us to meet him at the ER to personally check me out. As in, he left the clinic and drove across town to meet us at the hospital that was closest to our apartment. Everything was totally fine; he even gave me another ultrasound and tested my blood to be sure, and everything looks great. I had food poisoning last Sunday and between that and my procedure I haven’t had much of an appetite – I’m blaming it all on lack of food. Whatever it was, it wasn’t related to my heart. And the best news is that since I met my out-of-pocket maximum last week, the ER trip was FREEEEEEEEEE. He kept apologizing for calling me to the hospital, and said, “It’s because you’re so young. I can’t take a young person’s health lightly. If you were 95, though, I probably would have told you to just go to sleep.” Oh yeah, and during the ultrasound right after my procedure (I forgot to mention this in my other post), he kept commenting on my healthy young heart and said, “Most of the hearts we see in here are all dilated and floppy.” HAHAHahaHAhHAHahHAhHahHAhhaAAaaaa

Also, my welts are less itchy but more awful-looking than ever:

Also, we had a little 13 year old girl walk/feed Penny on Thursday during the procedure, and she sent me a text afterward that said, “Hi! I got back from feeding and taking Penny out about 5 minutes ago. She did amazing! Hope the surgery went well!” and it was the most adorable thing ever, and now whenever Penny takes a dump Jon announces, “She did amazing!”

Just one more heart post after this and then I'm done.

-------------------------
See also:
Part 1 of ?
Part 2 of ?
Part 3 of ?
Part 4 of ?
Part 5 of FIVE!!!
Stuff I Distinctly Remember Saying During the Operation
The last post about my heart (I promise this time)