Kyle told me I looked like Jesus with bangs so I went for it.
Guess what I’m eating. A raw tortilla, that’s what.
Friends that have ablations together stay together!
I must be getting used to stupid names. I wasn’t as outraged as I thought I’d be.
It’ll be the highlight of my day! Duhfcourse I will!
Remember that time you thought there was a bat in my car?
Lots of withers. Probably a good number of beans, too.
Watching PBS kids’ show and there was a girl name Ruby…then they showed her name spelled out… R-U-B-E-Y-E. Like rub your eye/ribeye steak.
Ewwww. It’s not just the ugly clothes it’s how it’s sitting there all weird like an oozing pile or something.
I love it when you text swear! Or real swear.
Once I was gazing whilst floating
I keep wanting to get a kitten just so I can name it All-Ball.
[My husband] actually just said “Urethra Franklin”
Last night there was a giant fly and it somehow got trapped between my middle and ring fingers without me noticing, and the only way I noticed was cuz I opened my fingers and he fell out onto the couch.
If by relieving you mean have I gone to the bathroom? Yes, yes I have.
[My husband] looking in the mirror “Man! My legs are so awesome!”
Names in the paper today. Autym and Chism.
Glad I sent that to you and not my employer or anything…
I had brussel sprouts at sweetie’s last night. NOMG. (That’s a cross between omg and nom. I invented it.)
Oh dear. He must have at least experimented…
a complete orange INSIDE of another! [my husband] wouldn’t let me keep it.
Hahaha penny is so licky.
Uh, five inches…but it’s thick.
I didn’t miss my kids even once. True story.
Why do I always get the genetically mutated fruit?!
Two words: BABY MEERKATS
I had nightmares all last night about toilets flooding.
Haha some kid at the dog park was like “is that a deer?!”
Oh my fballs! You got diagnosed with herpes?! Hahahahhahahahahaha
Here’s to hoping we keep in touch with her so we don’t have to file a missing persons report like that time we thought she was dead in Mexico!