Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Texts out of Context: Episode XIV

[Explanation and archive here. Also, I want to foster an environment of text-out-of-context sharing in the comments of these posts. I know you've got some good ones.]

Kyle told me I looked like Jesus with bangs so I went for it.

Guess what I’m eating. A raw tortilla, that’s what.

Friends that have ablations together stay together!

I must be getting used to stupid names. I wasn’t as outraged as I thought I’d be.

It’ll be the highlight of my day! Duhfcourse I will!

Remember that time you thought there was a bat in my car?

Lots of withers. Probably a good number of beans, too.

Watching PBS kids’ show and there was a girl name Ruby…then they showed her name spelled out… R-U-B-E-Y-E. Like rub your eye/ribeye steak.

Ewwww. It’s not just the ugly clothes it’s how it’s sitting there all weird like an oozing pile or something.

I love it when you text swear! Or real swear.

Once I was gazing whilst floating

I keep wanting to get a kitten just so I can name it All-Ball.

[My husband] actually just said “Urethra Franklin”

Last night there was a giant fly and it somehow got trapped between my middle and ring fingers without me noticing, and the only way I noticed was cuz I opened my fingers and he fell out onto the couch.

Whorer movie

If by relieving you mean have I gone to the bathroom? Yes, yes I have.


[My husband] looking in the mirror “Man! My legs are so awesome!”

Names in the paper today. Autym and Chism.

Glad I sent that to you and not my employer or anything…

I had brussel sprouts at sweetie’s last night. NOMG. (That’s a cross between omg and nom. I invented it.)

Oh dear. He must have at least experimented…

a complete orange INSIDE of another! [my husband] wouldn’t let me keep it.

Hahaha penny is so licky.

Uh, five inches…but it’s thick.

I didn’t miss my kids even once. True story.

Why do I always get the genetically mutated fruit?!


I had nightmares all last night about toilets flooding.

Haha some kid at the dog park was like “is that a deer?!”

Oh my fballs! You got diagnosed with herpes?! Hahahahhahahahahaha

Here’s to hoping we keep in touch with her so we don’t have to file a missing persons report like that time we thought she was dead in Mexico!


  1. "Tracy is trying to get us to be like chick-a-filet and say 'my pressure'. I refuse. I think it sounds dumb."

  2. "OK. I'll tell Rob to put his clothes back on."

    "Can I put the pic of you in a beard on todays texting post?"

    "Early to Mutual again. This has to stop."

    "He peed in Dad's den."

    "Still Fonda Johnson"

    "In what world is "you have a gaping hole where flesh should be!" a compliment"

    "Oh Shoot. I mean, we did NOT go outlet shopping on Sunday."

    Is he wearing GARMENTS under his swimsuit??????"

    "Nope we're good. We usually make out during the 7th inning."

    "I got the first text, and don't feel ashamed about Vampire Diaries. He would love it too if he gave it a chance!"

    "Jimmy Buffet is awesome. We're pals now."

    "Stop flirting with Jed!"

    "It's Shark Week. Sacrifices have to be made."

    "Your kid shat his pants."

  3. She also spent the morning trying to put a diaper on her own bum.

    I panic every time I go into Target now thinking it will be my last time for three years.

    Raced a deer down the road this morning

    My daughter forgot to put underwear on for church today. ha.

    No hunger strike this time so she must feel pretty comfortable.

    I promise I'm fine. News of my imminent demise travels fast.

    There is no reason not to love Taco Bell. I had a crunch wrap supreme for lunch just the other day.

    [My nephew] told me he wants to keep his trash and look at it every day.

    It's getting desperate here. Too bad I don't have a canoe.

    My friend wants me to go with her to get eyebrows waxed tonight. Embarrassing huh?

    For future reference, you should have opened with: Good news, I saw a dog today!

    I had someone pass out last musical but she didn't have a part so I just had to sit by her on the floor. Lame.

    Alas, no solo. Dang youth keep stealing my thunder.

    Dumb carbs taste so good.

    [My husband] wants a suburban now. Nothing like driving the Titanic.

  4. it's great. more fun with you but its HUGE.

    thinking of something light and flowy, maybe sheer.

    You know, some young parents may not know, glad you're not one of them.

    f burger man. That's the late night version of regular burger man.

    I want the one with the glow in the dark decapitated unicorn head.

  5. Haha I love how you can tell EXACTLY which ones are Jon's.