Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Texts out of Context: Episode XIII

[Explanation and archive here. This is only half of what I've accumulated since last time, more tomorrow!]

She told me and mom that she didn’t like the color black. Then she glanced over at Gunner and said “except I do like Gunner’s black hair.” She then proceeded to go pet him just to make sure she hadn’t hurt his feelings!! Gah!!!

I alternate that one when I talk about poo and when I talk about froyo.

You’re one of the few in my life that comprehends that less than two hours at an all-you-can-eat establishment is a crime.

Babies ruin everything.

He should have said he was gay to get out of it.

We were in the grocery store trying to pull off a produce bag from the roll, and it was the perfect time to tell [my husband] about/demonstrate your poop bag incident.

What’s that primary song about Jesus dying on the cross so I can fold my arms and be reverent?

At least you missed that time-telling day in elementary school—I don’t even have an excuse!!

Always Fonda Johnson.

Maybe it’s some sort of mange from the womb?

The last time I went there, the people I went with all ordered salads and complained that it was a terrible dining experience. SALADS!!

You played a round of “draw something” during your Sunday school class that you teach?!

Oh my gosh I did NOT realize the F word was on that!!!

PS – enjoy your nipples while they’re awesome and not unawesome after breastfeeding.

We had stake conference. FREE DAY!!

We were looking at one of the pregnant mares walking away from us at this barn and Jon said “I think it just winked at me!”

You can NOT watch Life of Pie. Too much throwing up.

He looks like a lesbian.

I have a Relief Society dinner I’m helping at tonight. Why, universe, why?!?!

Would you happen to have a pic of my …ew…MOLE?

YES. And maybe we could go on club retreats. We don’t have to talk about crotches the whole time, but maybe we could make it a non-profit and get all our expenses deducted!

I feel like [old high school friend]’s baby’s teeth shouldn’t be that big.

Yes for sure (biopsy). (I was totally going to abbreviate biopsy to “biops” then changed my mind and typed ONE MORE LETTER.)

It was in the cupboard in the pantry for 4 hours and didn’t make a peep!

[My husband] just licked my nose and called it an Eskimo French Kiss.


  1. Hilarious as always. Though I am a bit surprised that the one with Ada's rendition of "I Am a Child of God" didn't make the cut.

    "Has given me an earthly home with different kinds of dinosaur beards."

    She's got beards on the mind. No idea why...

  2. "Babies ruin everything" was our motto this whole weekend.