Texts out of Context: Episode X

Brief explanation and archives here. Also, I always sorta hope people will catch on and do this on their own blogs, or maybe post their good ones in the comments here, but no one ever does :(

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This phone only does the boring half of the English language for predictive text.

Brushed my teeth, gagged from brushing my tongue too far back, spit, AND THERE WAS A GNAT IN THE SINK. AND IT CAME FROM MY MOUTH.

I am what I like to call ‘very lol.’

Just saw an effing dementor and forgot my effing patronus #wizardfail

Tarp

[15 seconds later] I meant yarp

Sighted: middle aged man in a red Mercedes convertible, pink Abercrombie shirt tucked into white cargo shorts, metallic Oakleys, running his hand through his grey-dyed-blonde mullet

Wonder if Penny dropping her toy on the tile for three hours is bugging the neighbors

I never have but I sort of have a “don’t eff with me” face

Draper, Utah. Glorious Draper, Utah.

Made some brownies and Penny had dog food

I know a lot about horses like always check your tack and stuff

Does it have balls

This has reached new heights of terrible.

A bear had been there recently but we only saw its scat.

Can I have some of your raisin bran?

I was thinking of sending Penny to get you with a little saddle

Hope your neck meat is okay

I asked [my 2 year old daughter] what your dog’s name is and she said “the orange one?”

Yeah it means there are two eggs and no sperm or one egg and an empty sperm, etc. It looks like a cluster of terrible grapes.

In an empty movie theater and some kid just sat down right next to me. I moved.

Gabababaac. That’s what my phone automatically types when I try to write “haaaaaaaaa.”

Tell me you are not discussing the Nuva ring

Oh no! Stupid Relief Society.

I’m stuck in a car for the next four hours listening to country music full blast.

[four minutes later] I had to listen to “I got friends in low places” just now.

Michigan. And did you see that one chick’s areola??

Yup. The chicken salad was selfish.

[My husband] saw her cover pic and said “the church can’t be true.”

Can you believe the dancing tonight? Nommy eminated.

I’m living in a condo in Provo with 3 other girls and have I got some doozies of stories for you about one of them! I cried one night after she threatened to shave my eyebrows in my sleep! Get excited!

[three minutes later] Well we’re friends, but I’m legitimately terrified of her several times a month. Wait…does that mean we’re not friends?

[three weeks later] My flailing arms while hugging someone hello caused my roommate to throw her piece of pumpkin pie across the room and onto no less than 3 people last night and she has never hated me more.