Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Texts out of Context: Episode X

Brief explanation and archives here. Also, I always sorta hope people will catch on and do this on their own blogs, or maybe post their good ones in the comments here, but no one ever does :(


This phone only does the boring half of the English language for predictive text.

Brushed my teeth, gagged from brushing my tongue too far back, spit, AND THERE WAS A GNAT IN THE SINK. AND IT CAME FROM MY MOUTH.

I am what I like to call ‘very lol.’

Just saw an effing dementor and forgot my effing patronus #wizardfail


[15 seconds later] I meant yarp

Sighted: middle aged man in a red Mercedes convertible, pink Abercrombie shirt tucked into white cargo shorts, metallic Oakleys, running his hand through his grey-dyed-blonde mullet

Wonder if Penny dropping her toy on the tile for three hours is bugging the neighbors

I never have but I sort of have a “don’t eff with me” face

Draper, Utah. Glorious Draper, Utah.

Made some brownies and Penny had dog food

I know a lot about horses like always check your tack and stuff

Does it have balls

This has reached new heights of terrible.

A bear had been there recently but we only saw its scat.

Can I have some of your raisin bran?

I was thinking of sending Penny to get you with a little saddle

Hope your neck meat is okay

I asked [my 2 year old daughter] what your dog’s name is and she said “the orange one?”

Yeah it means there are two eggs and no sperm or one egg and an empty sperm, etc. It looks like a cluster of terrible grapes.

In an empty movie theater and some kid just sat down right next to me. I moved.

Gabababaac. That’s what my phone automatically types when I try to write “haaaaaaaaa.”

Tell me you are not discussing the Nuva ring

Oh no! Stupid Relief Society.

I’m stuck in a car for the next four hours listening to country music full blast.

[four minutes later] I had to listen to “I got friends in low places” just now.

Michigan. And did you see that one chick’s areola??

Yup. The chicken salad was selfish.

[My husband] saw her cover pic and said “the church can’t be true.”

Can you believe the dancing tonight? Nommy eminated.

I’m living in a condo in Provo with 3 other girls and have I got some doozies of stories for you about one of them! I cried one night after she threatened to shave my eyebrows in my sleep! Get excited!

[three minutes later] Well we’re friends, but I’m legitimately terrified of her several times a month. Wait…does that mean we’re not friends?

[three weeks later] My flailing arms while hugging someone hello caused my roommate to throw her piece of pumpkin pie across the room and onto no less than 3 people last night and she has never hated me more.


  1. I just don't have enough witty or funny texts to post! Although I got this one today and it made me laugh. I was wishing a friend a happy Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day, and she replied with "Arrrlright. Cabloon me bloomers and fiddle me anchors."

  2. I love these. My phone is old so I can't flip through texts easily. Yours are funnier anyway. I strangely love the tarp/yarp one best. ????

  3. ok, I'll play:

    Rapping is for no talent unemployed people who rhyme we with we

    I will allow you to fart melodically but if you're off pitch or flat I won't have it. (sorry about that one!)


    I'm gonna smurf off early and smurf to the smurf. Then later I'm going to go out for smurf. It'll be smurftastic!

    I mean, how often do I REALLY call 1-800-DRUIDIA?

    I just had a nightmare about the sloth and its big long claw! I'm traumatized by the weirdness!

    :) I love these posts!

  4. Here is a good one: Guess what the EFFIN S my mom and I are watching right now

  5. BLT's sound good?

    So, (our daughter) peed like 3 gallons of horchata in the entryway. And then 10 mins later another two gallons in the toilet. I KNOW she didn't drink THAT much.

    Probably going to get crazy suk or something

    I'm never eating another cake pop. EVER

    That's the first time anyone has ever texted me a photo of their legs

    LOL. I'm sure we'll both be fine but let me know if you get any weird symptoms

    Dad says his Poppie June has gone right to a Bernie!!!!!

    He probably thinks you're unAmerican for having Muslim friends

    The jeep's been a bastard so I had to drive the no AC maz today. Luckily it's only going to be 95

    Any recipe that says "crumble the cooked cake then roll in your hands to form balls" in the recipe is not okay with me


    hmmmm--I wonder which ones are from you?

  6. The farts are trapped so if he moves they will shoot over to you. Not always the best option.

    LOL. I'm usually the smelly one.

    I wore my new jacket today. I smell confidence in springtime :-)

    Sometimes it's because I "poisoned" him with whatever I made for dinner. Ha.

    I have had to scrub the toilet before he could poop. because he didn't want his wiener touching a dirty rim. NEVER AGAIN

    I thought I was being punished for skipping church and going to lunch. Until [my daughter] started throwing up.

    The craZy lady was at the other. Did I tell you how her kid almost killed my baby?

    Second best part is him telling the story and demonstrating the pants falling part.

    That happens to [her] all the time as in, I've seen it happen more than once. The whole "tucking your dress into your garments fiasco". I would die too. But play it off like I'm not easily embarrassed.

    1. OMG IS THAT A REFERENCE TO JON'S PANTS FALLING DOWN??????? (if not, ignore this comment)

    2. yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We talk about you A LOT. Creepy?

    3. Those pants are so wt/comfortable.

  7. "i'm watching lady and the tramp!"
    "please can you run into michaels first and get those little jewels?"
    "ha! bring treats."
    "i just need a man servant to brush my teeth for me."
    "i DO have super teeth..."
    "i'm glad i send off a vibe that says 'i do not attend relief society functions.'"
    "celiiiiiiiiiiine! adeeeeeeeeeeee!"

  8. "hopefully it smells authentic"
    "enjoy my wife"
    [A response to a Facebook link I posted] "Thanks for posting that 'pee during workouts''s my confession..." (I still refuse to see what her confession was on my fb page! I tell ya, those Raymond folks are seeeerioously interesting)
    "I will let you handle the junk"
    "Now I know why the Singles Adults are single"
    "eff you Candy Crush"