Tuesday, October 04, 2011

A Conversation I Wish I'd Had, Circa October 2004

Me: Hi! I'm your downstairs neighbor.
Woman: ..Uhh...hi?
Me: No, no, I don't think you understand. I'm the neighbor that you reported yesterday because my music was "blaring".
Woman: Oh, right. Well my baby was napping so yes, I reported you.
Me: Yeah, it was an interesting phone call. When management made contact, my roommate and I were sure they had the wrong apartment, since we didn't think we were playing any music at all.
Woman: Well--
Me: Excuse me DON'T interrupt me. When management called, you see, we were quite confused. We couldn't hear a thing. But they insisted that we were "blasting" music and making it impossible for babies everywhere to sleep. So we, my roommate and I, decided to investigate. A trip into the bedroom revealed that one of us had, indeed, accidentally left the radio on, playing so quietly that once we vacated to the living room it was completely forgotten.
Woman: Well, there must be a vent connecting the rooms, or something, because it was really making a lot of noise.
Me: Hey, you know what else makes a lot of noise?
Woman: .....What?
Me: Your stupid baby screaming at all hours of the night, that's what.
Woman: E-e-excuse me?
Me: You heard me. So tomorrow, when you hear a slight sound coming from my apartment during naptime, you just keep in mind all the times I've awoken at 3am to the blood-curdling and interminable shrieks of your little banshee.
Woman: [starts to cry]
Me: I said GOOD DAY.

You always think of the best responses seven years later.


  1. My downstairs neighbors let their baby cry for no less than half an hour before they finally get up and check on it. Crying, screaming, throwing things, their MASSIVE white trash dog barking, their disgusting "private" noises at four a.m. Fortunately they've never been stupid enough to pull one of THESE on me.