Sunday, June 07, 2009

The Plague Seated in 3B

The stench of beef jerky hit me as he hoisted his backpack into the overhead bin. He must have just swallowed the last morsel as he situated his 7 foot tall body into the seat next to me. The smell was even more appalling than his stringy little moustache. Instantly I pressed myself as close as I could to the wall and tried my hardest to ignore him. He was more than willing to expand his carcass into the extra room I inadvertently created, taking over the center armrest and extending a hairy leg into my personal space.

I tried to seem completely absorbed in my Sky Mall magazine to avoid conversation, and was relieved when, out of the corner of my eye, I could see him sticking in some earplugs. TWENTY SECONDS LATER he was snoring. Actually snoring. Loudly. Mouth agape. Lips twitching.


He roused himself a few minutes after we flew over the Grand Canyon and took a sudden interest in the scenery. He unbuckled his seatbelt and positioned his face an inch from mine in order to stare intently out the window. I grudgingly tolerated it…..until I was assaulted by the horrible blast of a jerky-burp straight to the face. Seasoned-meat-mingled-with-bile-induced nausea is a long, hard recovery, but I eventually pulled through, repositioned my magazine so that it completely covered the window, and began turning the pages as slowly as I possibly could. There was still forty minutes of flight time. HOW WOULD I MAKE IT OUT ALIVE????


He then began bobbing and weaving about, trying out every angle to see around my magazine. From the top, from underneath, craning his head around the side. All this motion caused another rumbling in his tummy, resulting in a belch even more revolting than the first. I only had a few pages left in my magazine! I had to make them last the remainder of the flight! But, no, the smell, OH HOLY ROTTING MEAT the smell!!! I couldn’t do it – I pulled my magazine from the window and began desperately fanning the air around me. Once it had dispersed, I deliberately faced the wall, blocking the window as best I could with my face and shoulders, and counted the minutes.

Tenderest of tender mercies, we landed without any more assaults to my senses. I SURVIVED. But I would be lying by omission if I didn’t add that as we taxied down the home stretch, I summoned up a treat of my own, silently willing it to be the most obscene burp of all time, and blew it in his direction.


  1. ROFLMAO!!!!

    me - "Jos, you HAVE to read this post by JESSIE!!! Its hilarious!"

    Jos - "Why don't you read it to me. Its much more funny when YOU read it."

    I read the entire post while laughing....its a talent that I have, laugh and talk at the same time. Its a miracle I'm even understood!

    Priceless. My face hurts.

  2. LMAO! oh my gosh, i can hardly breathe.. best freaking post ever!

  3. My surefire way to regain real estate on the plane is to jam my knee into their leg and exclaim:"Oh I am so sorry. Did I infringe on your purchased parcel?" They usually move their appendages, but sometimes you can not do a thing, like when they have rolls that spill over the armrest and sweat through YOUR clothes the entire flight no matter how well you glue yourself to the window. I'll take swine flu over an encroaching pannus any day.

  4. i am in shock. even more so now that i read jon's comment.

  5. Okay, I think I peed a little, no really. I'm laughing that hard!

  6. I just threw up a little in my mouth. There is NOTHING worse than beef jerky on an airplane.

  7. Pepperoni Pizza Vomit...I'm just sayin.

  8. This post made me want to puke...on another note, as I've been watching SYTYCD, I have noticed priceless moments of ugly Cat faces, and I'm just waiting for you to post some. Go back to Vegas when Tony (I think that's his name) has to dance the contemporary again, and Cat is interviewing him. She makes the most heinous face.