You know how some people hate something just because it’s popular? They won’t give a certain movie, or a book, or an idea a chance, just because everyone else in America likes it, and they think Americans are stupid? They go against the grain, just because they don’t trust the overall opinion of the public? So instead of reading that book to see for themselves, they just automatically assume that because it’s popular, it must be dumb?
I’ve never considered myself to be one of those people. Which explains how I ended up wasting $10.99, and three hours of my life on “Twilight”. It all started in the Salt Lake City airport. My book options were limited to five harlequin romance novels, Atonement (which was about ten pages thick), and Twilight. And now, having read the entire thing from cover to cover, including the author’s biography on the back, I can make the informed conclusion that this book was absolutely ridiculous. #1 New York Times Bestseller? Come on, people. Seriously. Come on.
I was embarrassed just to OWN this book, let alone be seen reading it. I kept it hidden from view at all times. I didn’t even put it up on my Facebook bookshelf, because I didn’t want anyone to know my dirty little secret. Was it mildly entertaining? Sure…as much as any other juvenile fiction story is, I guess. It’s a book about vampires written for tweens – NOTHING MORE. If I hear one more person claiming that Stephanie Meyer is an AMAZING WRITER I might just jump through a window. It’s obvious that even Mrs. Meyer herself is aware that she’s not a great writer. For example (and I can’t guarantee that I’m not going to give any plot details away): Bella (even her NAME sounds contrived) meets her Vampire Boyfriend’s family for the first time. Vampire Father, Carlisle, is a doctor, and he’s hundreds of years old. The group is on the verge of discussing his vampirey past when he gets called in to work. Stephanie cuts in here to say “It was a strange combination to absorb – the everyday concerns of the town doctor stuck in the middle of a discussion about his early days in seventeenth-century London.” Um, thanks Captain Obvious. I feel dumber now that you took it upon yourself to explain that to me.
Oh, and there’s a scene where Bella and her Vampire Boyfriend are laying in the sun (he turns glittery in the sun, how pretty!), and he gets all mad for some reason, and turns into a crazy person, and shows her how dangerous he is by (I kid you not) running around the entire meadow in a half-second, and breaking off a two foot thick branch and throwing it so hard that the entire thing splinters into a million pieces. Or something like that. Oh. My. Goodness.
Anyway, I’m done talking about this book. I feel like I’m wasting my life away thinking about it. America’s collective IQ has dropped ever since it hit the bestseller’s list, and I’m ashamed that I played a part in it. BUT JUST IN CONCLUSION – I NEVER want to hear the phrase “Edward chuckled” ever again for as long as I live. I wish I could do a “control+f” command in real life, and count how many times it comes up in that book. I lost count after 500. Her rights to the word “chuckle” (and all of its variants) have been revoked. And I hope she’s improved her vocabulary in the second and third books, but thankfully…I’ll never know.
PS- Just my opinion.