USPS lost the newspaper insert this year, but I prevailed! Ready, set, go!
The typical drivel:
Aubree
Oakley
Gracee Blue
Braelyn Tess (I’m feeling a ditty coming on: ♫ “Look out! Here comes Braelyn Tess, the old blind widow who loves to read!” ♫)
Addisyn
Oaklie
Brynlee
Bentlee
Braelyn Kinleigh (Another Braelyn?? How? ...Why?)
Sayler Grae
Ashtyn
Zayla
(Leah) Adasynn
Brynlee
Kenadee Braelynn (BRAELYNN!!! I guess these inexplicably could have used their own category, but I sort of feel like that would mess up the flow of my Braelyn Tess joke.)
Ashtyn Rayne
Taelynn
Myah LaRae
Rylan
Teigan
Brantley
Paxton
Daxton
Kasen
Diesel J.R.
Taivan Kinley
Diesel Kae
Jax Kota
Sound-it-outs:
Decklan
Kendryck
Teagon
Danyelle
Oliver Danyil
Zeek (Facepalm.)
K:
Kailee
Karter
Kordon
Kolbin Treece
Kole
Kash
(Mason) Kurtis
On the map:
Houston Kodi
Dakota
Memphis
Austin
Paycen
GUNS AND BEER! GUNS AND BEER!
Samuel Adam
Remington “Remi” Delila
Ruger
Gauge
Paisleys (and variants) and Presleys (and variants):
Addisyn Paislee
Paizley
Paisley
(Ava) Preslee
Presleigh
Jo’s ‘n J’s:
Hannah Jo
McKinley J
Karleigh Jo
Auburn J
Tenly Jo
Danielle Jo
A glitch in the matrix:
Gracie Deja Linn
Dejah Lynn
Unknown Norse gods..?:
Reata
Revik
Payette:
Payette (we’ve had a Payette before!)
Say no to names with “GYN” in them:
Reagyn Sumerli
Jack Be What? JACK BE WHAAAT???
Jack B ('Nimble' is the easy joke here, but I prefer the option 2: TRIPPIN'.)
Twin disaster:
Maylee and Kayva
The "What the EFF???"s:
Kenzlee KaeLynn
Lexxus
Charlize Zeplynn
Kolay
RaeLeigh
Trezlynne
Madilaine TwilaLou
Tigè Rae (I believe they may have been looking for an accent aigu instead.)
Jax Kota
Axyl Boone
(Sawyer) Rayce
Absolute worst name:
Gunner J-Mack (Historically, this category results in ties and/or runners up, but this time there was no contest.)
Longest name:
Tie: Madilaine TwilaLou [8 letter lastname] and Trezlynne Danielle [8 letter lastname] (both are 25 letters, and both are based on the novel Push by Sapphire)
Shortest name:
Ty [no middle name]
Most Mormon name:
Brigham Taylor
Trekkiest name:
Robert Ryker Picard (!)
Name that overlaps the most categories:
Kenzlee KaeLynn usurped Madilaine TwilaLou because, while they both have compounding made-up, misspelled, and double-capital-letter elements, Kenzlee KaeLynn has the K advantage. Ridiculous name, Level 5: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!
Worst real names:
Hagen M
Grayson Gunter (Say no to names with "gyn" in them, say no to names with "Gunt" in them.)
Augustus Cleve
NAMING DONE RIGHT: A round of applause for the best names of 2014:
Fern Lillias
Emily Faye
Claire
Caleb Wyatt
Alexander Julian
Discussion:
- Many of these names overlap categories. I could have made a very large and complex Venn diagram, but I didn't.
- Tell your friends: Cabbage-sized flower headbands are (mostly) out, infants in pearl necklaces are in.
- At one point as I was combing through the names and sorting them into lists, I had one called "Needs categorizing." I guess you can take the girl out of Idaho, but you can't take the Idaho out of the girl.
- I trust I don't need a Le-a and -Jello twins disclaimer again this year. You are better than that!
One last category, just for fun.
Photo that most resembles a baby in a sea of vomit:
Pearl necklaces!!!!!!!!!! Gunner J-Mack!!!!!!! MADILAINE TWILA-LOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! This truly is the most wonderful day of the year.
ReplyDeleteThe only way Ryker Picard could be better is if Data was thrown in there somewhere. Talk about a missed opportunity!
ReplyDeleteThe Star Trek: TNG trifecta!
DeleteThanks Jessie for again another wonderful wet-my-pants laugh. I look forward to it very year.
DeleteYour accent aigu comment made me spit out my drink. As for the rest, I can't even begin to expound on any of it, it's too overwhelming and horrendous.
ReplyDeleteI had a great aunt Twila, and she was the sweetest lady in all of Idaho. TwilaLou makes me tongue trip. Just saying.
ReplyDeleteSo many great ones this year with names like Grae (referencing a certain popular erotic novel/movie?), Danyil, Kota... And your categories were superb: Gitch in the Matrix? Guns & Beer? Gyn? Brilliant! One question: what percentage of total names are made up/have made up spellings vs. traditional names with traditional spellings? I'd love to know. PS Can't stop chuckling about the puke baby photo!
ReplyDeleteYou made me curious, so I did some tallying and number crunching. There were 183 names total in this year's paper. I threw out three names that were impossible to tell if elements of them were made-up or maybe family names (e.g. middle name "Luck"). Of the rest, I took the full name as a whole: If either the first *or* middle were made up or misspelled, the whole thing went into the naughty column. Result: 83 of the 180 names were legit (about 46%) and 97 weren't (about 53%). I haven't done this for any other year, but I suspect the results would be similar - a little over half of children born in the Idaho Falls area have made-up or misspelled names.
DeleteThat is astounding. What are the social implications of having more than half the population with made up names? We need a social scientist to get on this stat!
DeleteI made it through without snort-laughing and waking up my baby, and then I came to the sea of vomit picture. Hahahahahahahaha! I also loved your Push by Sapphire postscript.
ReplyDeleteYes! I was wondering when this annual post would appear again! *insert ugly snort laugh here* - Aaaah! You never disappoint Jessie!
ReplyDeleteNow that I've finished laughing (still smiling, though), here are a couple of fyis: Reata: in Spanish, this is a rope with a noose on it used to rope cattle, sort of like a lariat. WHY would anyone name their kid that??? And Gunter: I suspect that this is a family name ,(like Luck), since I grew up with a Gunter family. Gunter isn't "cute" enough to make up on one's own, I hope. Thanks for the entertainment!
ReplyDeleteNever disappoints! Hahaha
ReplyDeleteSo glad this post happened!!! I'm not sure how I first found you, but my life was forever changed by these horrible baby namers! hehe... I just saw these (direct from PA!) and had to add--Atlee Bliss & Cash Alessandra. Gag!
ReplyDelete"Jessie" probably sounded pretty stupid at one time.
ReplyDeleteLike I've never heard THAT before!
DeleteDid you really just call "Caleb" a good name?! Caleb was Aiden before Aiden was a thing.
ReplyDeleteWait, did I say I have a problem with *popular* names? Because I don't. There are several names in the top 20 (which Caleb has never even come close to cracking, btw) that I would consider naming a child.
DeleteOne of my best friends has a daughter named Haven. His cousin (my other best friend) and I were like "meh" until he told us her middle name is Mercedes. Cue ridiculous amounts of laughter, and copious pornstar jokes. His name is Greg, but I only recently found out that his full name is Gregery. His middle name (which I can't remember at the moment) is also a name with the "o" swapped out for an "e". I asked him what the letter "o" did to his mom, but he didn't get the joke.
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend wants a traditional Irish name for our almost-due son, because he's Irish. We agreed on Connor. He wanted Conor (which is technically the traditional spelling), but we had a blowout fight over it, because I can just envision every single teacher pronouncing it Cone-ore. We asked his sisters (who also got nailed with traditional Irish names with traditional Irish spellings) to mediate, and they both took my side, so Connor it is. Connor wasn't my first choice, but it's recognizable, easy to spell and pronounce, and it's not on the top 100, so.
I live in Idaho Falls. It's all true, and painfully so! The interesting thing is that it seems to follow economic class lines- with the very wealthy and very poor being more likely to name their kids something outrageous. (Before people freak out, I sure there's a gazillion exceptions to that, but it's a basic generality seen in the local school district).
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, and Gunter is common(ish) Southern German name, so maybe a family name?
These lists are my very favorite thing in the blogosphere. I named my kid Jane because of these lists.
ReplyDeleteYour "names done right" are just boring white people names. What a surprise.
ReplyDeleteBreaking news: Area white girl who is publicly critical of creative baby naming admits she prefers traditional names!
DeleteI think Kevinst here is confused about the fact that literally all of the babies listed in this post are white.
DeleteI'm oh so glad you found the list! This blog post is my favorite every year. Thank you for doing it and for making my day complete.
ReplyDeleteAnother to add to the variations of Presley list, my friend just named her baby Prestley. I don't dare ask how it's pronounced. Is it pronounced with a silent t? Or is it pronounced with the t, rhyming with breast? Either way it's awful and they're calling her PJ for short.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter was in the NICU, and another one of the babies there was named Purpl. I'm not kidding. Like the color, but without the "e" on the end.
ReplyDeleteY, y, for the love of god y?
ReplyDeleteSaw the name of another baby in my daughter's unit at the hospital: Jazzle. We aren't in Idaho, but maybe they immigrated?
ReplyDeleteMy daughter (who I had in Rexburg) would have made this list if I put her name in the paper. We named her Marigold but usually call her Goldie. It is different. But there's definitely worse out there ;)
ReplyDeleteI actually think that's really pretty...
DeleteI live in Utah and I taught school for two years. I had my fair share of Braxtons, Raelynns, Cambrys, even a Kezlie. But the absolute worst name was a kid whose name was "J." Not, "Jay," just the letter J. It didn't even stand for anything.
ReplyDeleteMy now ex boyfriend's dad and brother had the first name "H"
DeleteJust the letter H.
Im late to the commenting, but i can think of one minor bonus to this madness: now people ask how to spell my first name because of all the weirdo Emmaleighs and Emaleas. Growing up everyone just threw a Y at the end OR called me "Emilio". By the way, my spelling is French and i HATED it growing up. I dont mind it now.
ReplyDeletePS My daughter goes to preschool with a boy named DASH. Maybe they're "Incredibles" fans? Either way...no bueno.
PPS I have a sister named Bannatyne. Yep. For rills. Sheesh.
Does Idaho have a big porn industry?
ReplyDeleteSounds like its future lies there.
These lists are my very favorite thing
ReplyDeleteFrom the "sound it outs" category: Decklan (or more commonly spelled Declan) is a real Irish name. It's very old, comes from a saint, means "full of goodness," and is well known the world over.
ReplyDelete