Texts out of Context

So I used to do this thing on my blog where I’d post text messages I’d received from friends and family without any context whatsoever, and it tended to be hilarious. My friend Brittany came up with the idea and I glommed right on to it – see previous installations here, here, here, here and here – but when Jon and I moved to the Caribbean, cell phones and text messaging became a distant thing that I’d reminisce fondly about whilst boiling water to do the dishes and murdering hand-sized spiders in my living room.

But I’m bringing it back! And I have no good reason for not doing it sooner. I’ve had a cell phone since April and the bloggable sentiments have been piling up, so much so that I’m splitting this into two separate posts.

Ok.

PART UNO (part dos here)
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Looks good to me. You had better pray my next kid isn’t even slightly deformed.

Nothing says happiness to me like wearing a robe.

If you could photoshop that effing pepper that was STILL in my teeth out of those, I’d appreciate it.

Someone just opened a bag of beef jerky.

Are you having a pleasant trip?

The smell lingers after a midnight scrub and hose off in the barn. Smelled up the house and garage too.

I need to learn how to do something

Thank you for your prayers and your death threats.

I am texting you from the bathroom at work where the person in the stall next to me just had the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever heard.

I’ve told at least 3 people you don’t know that your birthday is on thanksgiving this year.

Probably got meningococcal septicemia

Oh man. Why are you gone when I say my best joke. Sheffield was in the hospital bc he had a peanut lodged in his throat. The obvious joke involves no teeth and not thoroughly gumming his peanut before swallowing.

Um let me think NO

Will you take her out cause she did not crap yet but she is a crap face

I’ve been wanting to go to an X-rated magic show forever so that’d be perfact! (Ashley H)

Do you need/want anything? Also—we have to get pie today.

Aristocats! My predictive text just guessed that one right off, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never typed it before.

I’ve never met a food I didn’t like. Except in Peru.

Here’s another Idaho name. Saw it in the paper. HevenLee. Yup.

“Man, you’ve got it goin’ ON!” – fat guy on cruise ship

[My husband] just came in. [That infant we're babysitting] puked on him. He said, “I don’t want another baby. He’s so lame”

Can you see the hate in Santa’s eyes in this? He’s apparently not happy about the over 50 pound crowd wanting to sit on his lap! Whatever, santa.

My parents will be so happy to see you! And by you I mean Penny.

They are living in dirt under the house and worms don’t rot, they dry up

I just posted the best Bigfoot sighting pic on my blog

I’m puking, in a good way, over your job too!!!

They will cut her open and we can’t have her on the mend while on vacay, that would ruin our lives.

This Angell guy is the worst.

I’m ready to eat cheese now

Poor can o’ beans

I forgot to call you when I opened the picture of that baby but omg!!! I’d put that baby up for adoption so fast! Jk. Maybe.

[And my personal favorite in this installment]:

I can not do contractions on this phone