Texts out of Context

(Continued from yesterday.)

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[An acquaintance] got married and his reception is at Golden Corral!

Wanna couple double rainbow pics all the way?

This cat won’t start.

[ten seconds later] Car

Wow, I really have no qualms about text swearing!

My comp took a dump so I updated everything

Well I just spent a very productive last hour. I signed up for every place that offers a free birthday meal or treat in Provo/Orem.

Band aids are the one thing that’s worth it to not buy generic

Yay! I love heart attacks!

What are you doing for your mom for mom day?

Oh snap, don’t ever watch the Dark Side of Dolphins

[My kid] just touched Gunner’s ween

I’d say it’s a tie since I’m sure you would’ve had to hold his hand during the bellybutton ordeal!

Maybe Annie will rub it better for you

We saw Roach Frog on her mission on Temple Square and I called her Roach Frog to her face and couldn’t remember if she ever knew we called her that?!?!

Sorry I missed your call. We were taking an epic nap after a whole night of vomit.

I just had to do this word verification online and the word I got was crial! Wasn’t that our word for Christmas+trials?! The internet bastards stole it!

Name of a girl at the rodeo – J2. We are hoping it’s a typo.

There’s already a record for crotch shots

Sabbath+Rain=worst day ever!

Just ate at Rumbi

Does that mean I sent her the text about the pound cake??

Just watched Hugo and Hagrid sat down in front of me. Always lucky.

This is why we’re friends. Other people make fun of me for looking up restaurants online! For me it’s the highlight of my life!

Elizabeth freaking Smart is in my new ward! She’s my roommate’s visiting teaching companion and I just died when I found out. So how do you go about not bringing up somebody’s very public kidnapping while trying to make small talk? I will definitely need some tips.

[Aaaaand, the crowning jewel of my collection...]

My mom recently confessed she never bought a single shirt for [my brother] while pregnant with him because she was worried he’d be born with no arms!!! I couldn’t breathe for minutes because I was laughing so hard and all the while she tried to convince me it was a valid concern. Wouldn’t she need shirts anyway though? What was she going to do, cut a hole in a tube sock and pull it over his head?