Bloggity Blog

Teachable Moment

2012-01-26T16:54:00.001-07:00

Do not, under any circumstance, EVER say or type any of the following:

"Pinterest has the best recipes!"
"Pinterest has the best photography!"
"Pinterest has the cutest clothes!"
"Pinterest has the best ideas!"
"I read the best blog post on Pinterest!"
"I made it from Pinterest!"

Please commit the following to memory: Pinterest is not a retailer. Pinterest is not a designer. Pinterest is not a blog. Pinterest is not a photographer. Pinterest is, plain and simply, a place to catalogue images from the internet. It is a great tool for visually organizing bookmarked pages, but it is not the creator of those things.

[If I had a friend named Jerry who wallpapered an entire room with images of dresses he’d cut out of magazines, I wouldn’t say, “Jerry has THE BEST dresses!!” unless I was an absolute moron, and I am not a moron. Instead, I’d say, “Jerry has the best pictures of dresses!” You see the difference? Please get the language right.]

To make it easier for you, here’s a list of things you CAN say about Pinterest:

"I found it on Pinterest!"
"Isn’t Pinterest a great way to organize recipes from all over the internet?"
"If you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday, see my “Gimme gimme gimme” board on Pinterest."
"You can get lots of design ideas by browsing Pinterest."
"Look at this funny picture I saw on Pinterest!"

One more thing. If you want to link to something you found on Pinterest, send a link to the actual website, NOT to the pin on your profile. This will not only prove that you understand how Pinterest works, but also eliminate an extra step for me.

kthxbai

[PS - My mom once called me Jerry.]

A conversation, circa 1994

2012-01-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

Me: It's super easy to know the difference between "desert" and "dessert". "Dessert" has two S's, because you always want two desserts!

Corinne: But what if I want two deserts?

---fin---

Texts out of Context

2012-01-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

(Continued from yesterday.)

-------------------------------------

[An acquaintance] got married and his reception is at Golden Corral!

Wanna couple double rainbow pics all the way?

This cat won’t start.

[ten seconds later] Car

Wow, I really have no qualms about text swearing!

My comp took a dump so I updated everything

Well I just spent a very productive last hour. I signed up for every place that offers a free birthday meal or treat in Provo/Orem.

Band aids are the one thing that’s worth it to not buy generic

Yay! I love heart attacks!

What are you doing for your mom for mom day?

Oh snap, don’t ever watch the Dark Side of Dolphins

[My kid] just touched Gunner’s ween

I’d say it’s a tie since I’m sure you would’ve had to hold his hand during the bellybutton ordeal!

Maybe Annie will rub it better for you

We saw Roach Frog on her mission on Temple Square and I called her Roach Frog to her face and couldn’t remember if she ever knew we called her that?!?!

Sorry I missed your call. We were taking an epic nap after a whole night of vomit.

I just had to do this word verification online and the word I got was crial! Wasn’t that our word for Christmas+trials?! The internet bastards stole it!

Name of a girl at the rodeo – J2. We are hoping it’s a typo.

There’s already a record for crotch shots

Sabbath+Rain=worst day ever!

Just ate at Rumbi

Does that mean I sent her the text about the pound cake??

Just watched Hugo and Hagrid sat down in front of me. Always lucky.

This is why we’re friends. Other people make fun of me for looking up restaurants online! For me it’s the highlight of my life!

Elizabeth freaking Smart is in my new ward! She’s my roommate’s visiting teaching companion and I just died when I found out. So how do you go about not bringing up somebody’s very public kidnapping while trying to make small talk? I will definitely need some tips.

[Aaaaand, the crowning jewel of my collection...]

My mom recently confessed she never bought a single shirt for [my brother] while pregnant with him because she was worried he’d be born with no arms!!! I couldn’t breathe for minutes because I was laughing so hard and all the while she tried to convince me it was a valid concern. Wouldn’t she need shirts anyway though? What was she going to do, cut a hole in a tube sock and pull it over his head?

Texts out of Context

2012-01-13T17:18:00.000-07:00

So I used to do this thing on my blog where I’d post text messages I’d received from friends and family without any context whatsoever, and it tended to be hilarious. My friend Brittany came up with the idea and I glommed right on to it – see previous installations here, here, here, here and here – but when Jon and I moved to the Caribbean, cell phones and text messaging became a distant thing that I’d reminisce fondly about whilst boiling water to do the dishes and murdering hand-sized spiders in my living room.

But I’m bringing it back! And I have no good reason for not doing it sooner. I’ve had a cell phone since April and the bloggable sentiments have been piling up, so much so that I’m splitting this into two separate posts.

Ok.

PART UNO (part dos here)
-----------------------------------------------

Looks good to me. You had better pray my next kid isn’t even slightly deformed.

Nothing says happiness to me like wearing a robe.

If you could photoshop that effing pepper that was STILL in my teeth out of those, I’d appreciate it.

Someone just opened a bag of beef jerky.

Are you having a pleasant trip?

The smell lingers after a midnight scrub and hose off in the barn. Smelled up the house and garage too.

I need to learn how to do something

Thank you for your prayers and your death threats.

I am texting you from the bathroom at work where the person in the stall next to me just had the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever heard.

I’ve told at least 3 people you don’t know that your birthday is on thanksgiving this year.

Probably got meningococcal septicemia

Oh man. Why are you gone when I say my best joke. Sheffield was in the hospital bc he had a peanut lodged in his throat. The obvious joke involves no teeth and not thoroughly gumming his peanut before swallowing.

Um let me think NO

Will you take her out cause she did not crap yet but she is a crap face

I’ve been wanting to go to an X-rated magic show forever so that’d be perfact! (Ashley H)

Do you need/want anything? Also—we have to get pie today.

Aristocats! My predictive text just guessed that one right off, and I’m pretty sure I’ve never typed it before.

I’ve never met a food I didn’t like. Except in Peru.

Here’s another Idaho name. Saw it in the paper. HevenLee. Yup.

“Man, you’ve got it goin’ ON!” – fat guy on cruise ship

[My husband] just came in. [That infant we're babysitting] puked on him. He said, “I don’t want another baby. He’s so lame”

Can you see the hate in Santa’s eyes in this? He’s apparently not happy about the over 50 pound crowd wanting to sit on his lap! Whatever, santa.

My parents will be so happy to see you! And by you I mean Penny.

They are living in dirt under the house and worms don’t rot, they dry up

I just posted the best Bigfoot sighting pic on my blog

I’m puking, in a good way, over your job too!!!

They will cut her open and we can’t have her on the mend while on vacay, that would ruin our lives.

This Angell guy is the worst.

I’m ready to eat cheese now

Poor can o’ beans

I forgot to call you when I opened the picture of that baby but omg!!! I’d put that baby up for adoption so fast! Jk. Maybe.

[And my personal favorite in this installment]:

I can not do contractions on this phone

Newsworthy

2012-01-11T15:21:00.002-07:00

Something amazing has happened. It started happening a couple of weeks ago but it became official today. My position with my old company just became permanent – something I’ve been hoping for and (literally) dreaming about ever since I left the firm to go live overseas two and a half years ago.

Actually, I should say that this started happening months ago. My job hunt, in retrospect, went exactly how it needed to in order for this to come about. There were jobs I was certain I’d be offered that I never heard back on. There were jobs I turned down because I knew I didn’t have to settle for crappy pay and no benefits. There was an interview that I walked out on because I didn’t feel safe. There was this really weird experience with a recruiter who ended up actually being the company owner’s wife?? – I didn’t get that job; I’m sure it went to someone more ugly. And there was that one job that I worked for two days – two days that filled me with a disproportionate dread. Now, in hindsight, I know that no matter how much I’d hated that job, I could have never quit full-time work to accept a month-long temporary position with my old firm. THAT’S why I knew I’d made a mistake almost as soon as I accepted that job, even though I couldn’t properly explain it. THAT’S why three days of panic evaporated the moment I quit and walked out the door. THAT’S why I never heard back on those opportunities I had in the bag, and why I had such a strong feeling that there was something on the horizon – because there was. I now have a salary and benefits at a job that I adore, and I’m so happy and grateful about it I could just throw up.

The only downside of it all is that it came about in sort of a terrible way. I can’t sing and dance about this stroke of luck (at work, anyway) because it came at the expense of another person - someone well-liked who fell on hard times. I’m trying to find the balance between screaming the good news in the faces of my coworkers and feeling gutted about this other person. I’ve just started thinking about the two events – this person losing their job and me getting it - as mutually exclusive, and that seems to help even if it makes me an abominable human being.

So anyway, I’m working. I’m productive. I’m contributing to society. I wake up at 5:40 every day and I’m in bed by 10 every night, except for the frequent evenings that I pass out on the couch at 8:30 while Jon watches football. I’m a Sleeper. It’s what I do. Sleep is important to me, especially when I’m in a work routine, and styling my long hair just didn’t fit in to my early morning schedule so two weeks ago I enlisted Jon to help me lop it off. Six inches gone like THAT. The clumps of wet hair were making slapping noises as they hit the floor. I’ve been trimming my own hair exclusively for the past three years and it didn’t occur to me beforehand that my invented haircut might not work on a shorter style. It did not work on the shorter style. The good news, though, is that after my new hairstylist Jeff surveyed the damage he concluded that it actually didn’t look like I’d cut it myself, it just looked like I’d received a really bad haircut. So. There’s that. Anyway, all that to say that I’m so serious about my sleep I hacked my own hair off with a pair of dull scissors to shorten my morning routine by a few minutes.

In conclusion, when I texted a picture of my new shorter hair to my sister-in-law Lianna (freshly returned to the United States from the Caribbean), this happened:

That's twice thus far

2012-01-08T14:47:00.000-07:00

My sister ejected another infant from her womb! His name is Joseph and you can see more pictures of him on her blog.

Bubble and Geek

2012-01-08T12:28:00.001-07:00

Me: Why is this British fish-and-chips joint called "The Codfather"?? And look - it's definitely a reference to the movie - because the employee's shirts have fish dressed as mafia mobsters on them. Why would a BRITISH fish-and-chips place use a play-on-words of an American/Italian symbol as its name and logo??? This makes no sense.

Jon: Please try not to ruin my dinner.

Photo Booth, Perfected:

2012-01-03T21:44:00.001-07:00

Found this gem on my external hard drive today. Everyone else can stop trying now.

Blog Stats 2011

2012-01-01T12:30:00.000-07:00

Total visits: 29,017
Unique visitors: 17,803 (5 times as many as last year!)
Page views: 51,245
Google Reader subscribers: 94

Total number of posts: 127
Total number of comments: 599
Least number of comments on a post: Zero (On this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and this one. And that fourth one is really funny. WTH.)
Highest number of comments on a post: 125 (here.)
Most viewed post: Same as above (17,282 hits)

Traffic overview:

Top countries:

1. United States
2. Canada
3. United Kingdom
4. Australia
5. Netherlands
6. Netherlands Antilles
7. United Arab Emirates
8. Germany
9. New Zealand
10. Japan

Top states:

1. Utah
2. Idaho
3. California
4. New York
5. Texas
6. Arizona
7. Washington
8. Colorado
9. Virginia
10. Oregon

Top referring sites:

1. Facebook
2. Google
3. Blogger
4. jennieandregan.blogspot.com
5. jakeandkels.blogspot.com (private blog)
6. em-il-ie.com
7. Twitter
8. bycommonconsent.com
9. community.thebump.com
10. dnljensen.blogspot.com

Most viewed posts:

1. Names 2010!
2. Names 2009!
3. Names 2008!
4. Our Weekend...and a Note on Names
5. About
6. The Reveal
7. Jessie's Laws of Sacrament Meeting
8. The Good Old Days
9. I predict a bidding war
10. Office Bugs

Top keywords that led to my blog:

1. bloggity blog (461)
2. office bugs (137)
3. blog names (128)
4. jessica-jensen.blogspot.com (119)
5. jessica jensen (104)
6. http://www.jessica-jensen.blogspot.com/2011/04/names-2010.html (75)
7. suntan pantyhose (61)
8. halloween pantyhose (56)
9. jessica jensen blog (56)
10. rexburg baby names (47)

Best keywords that led to my blog:

"krayson" name meaning
a nun eating
accidentally cut my hamster's skin
baby name trager
baby name riggin
beach slave
brown hairy scabs in my eyes
condensed milk exploded in my (Cliffhanger! In your what?? INNN YOURRR WHAAAAAAAT????)
couldn't feel the needle in the cyst
crazy old man eyebrows
deformed vagina (FOUR people found my blog with this keyword!)
don't name your daughter Idaho
fupa hugs
hairy butt cheeks
how many children named Lucifer in 2010 and 2011?
how to name your baby without handicapping it for life
is diesel a stupid child name
ive made up a beautiful babyname (Well I hope you live in Rexburg so we can all see it come March!)
matted pantyhose
mykaeleigh shinehah
old grandpa mouth
oompa loompa fupa
procedure to clean up human feces in parking lot
rexburf Idaho baby names [sic]
riduculous cake [sic]
strippers in Rexburg ID
tayvian meaning
tough cowboy unique made up baby boy names (future parent of a Stetson or Rowdy, perhaps?)
unitard and pantyhose
(aaaaand my personal favorite) why does my parents named me Jessica

It's over!

2011-12-30T22:30:00.001-07:00

I feel like I need to start this obligatory post how everyone else does - WHAT A YEAR - but the truth is this: My year was actually really boring. After wrapping up our time on Statia and moving back to America there was about a five month lull in Idaho at my parent’s place, followed by a move to Phoenix because we just couldn’t stand waiting around anymore, followed by Jon leaving me for seven weeks to attend a review course, during which time I hit “refresh” on Craiglist job postings over and over and over, punctuated by the occasional interview and many trips to the dog park. At the end of November I finally started working, which means I’ve been productive for exactly five weeks out of the past two and a half years. (If you’re new to the blog, read this brief explanation lest you think terrible things about me.)

The following is a mishmash of my favorite posts, quotes, and comments from the year. Later I’ll do a breakdown of my blog statistics like I did last January.

---------------------------

Cross this one off the bucket list
EXCERPT: "Baby sea turtles bumping into your feet in the ocean is adorable."

The good old days
SUMMARY from Carly Maready in the comments: "I laughed and laughed and laughed. Poor hamster. Corinne is never cutting my hair."

Guess who’s having the best! Week! Ever!
SUMMARY: When I saw my first adult sea turtle AND found a blue bead!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

It’s all fun and games until someone falls on their face

BEST HOUR OF MY WEEK
EXCERPT: "I should have known to not hold a strange ferret up to my face--" [camera pans to her blood-spattered vest] "--I had no idea noses could bleed this much."

I predict a bidding war
MY FAVORITE BULLET POINT: "sturdy wrist strap"

Names 2010
FAVORITE COMMENTS:

Dolphinsbarn: "Giving a kid many of these names is like giving them a neck tattoo on the way out the womb."

Christa J.: "I would appreciate you removing the name Vestal from your post. I don't want it to get too popular before I have children."

Shannon: "I totally lurked onto this site but have to share one of my favorites from my son's preschool class: Galligrr. Yes. As in, that's how a tiger would pronounce it. It's really spelled that way."

Kyle M: "@AtSmith, we aren't ridiculing the kids, we're ridiculing the parents, and rightly so. These kids will have a handicap throughout their life. If you don't believe me, watch what I do with your daughter Tayzlee's resume in 20 years. Just watch!"

Lindsey: "This. Is. Awesome. You just made me really homesick for living in the Utah/Idaho name belt! Long live Vestal!"

FAVORITE ANGRY COMMENTS:

Alison: "...And Alison Wonderland...thanks for stealing my screen name I've had since 1993, spelled EXACTLY the same way. $10 says your kids are name Austin, Cason, Peyton and COPYCAT!"

Anonymous: "I am not a huge fan of way out there names or too crazy of spellings but my name is spelled different and I have loved it, and by the way. All of my daughters have different spellings except one and hers is the only name is is pronounced wrong! I think it is strange that a person with an untraditional spelling of a name would ridicule other parents choices in names. Jessie is not "traditionally" a girls name nor is it "traditionally" spelled Jessie. If you are going to pick on people for spelling their daughters name Jesee (or however they spelled it), you should not use your name on the blog, unless you are of course a man and your name is Jesse! Your name was probably an abomination to all those Pearls,Sarah's, and Abigail's that had "traditional" and "sensible" names. They probably thought those same things you are thinking about these parents.Again, I don't think parents should give them stupid names like the Abcd that was mentioned above, but just because a girl is named Katelyn instead of the original Caitlin does not make them bad parents or "poor" children.
Thanks,Mandee(and I LOVE my name and I don't think my parents are stupid)"

(Of course, I couldn’t help but respond…)

"It's cute because it's so, so wrong.
http://www.behindthename.com/name/jessie-1
Also, say my parents had named me Jhessykah. That would mean I can't dislike made up names and misspellings? I don't get it. People don't name themselves. Certainly if I had a daughter named Payzlee you would have a legitimate point."

Anonymous: "I don't care for the name particularly, but my aunt's name was Vestal. She made enough money to (most likely) buy and sell you."

MRS TIMBER
EXCERPT: "Within the first hour of our visit, she may or may not have told us that her late husband was an impotent alcoholic and that she had to find another man to bless her womb. I could be wrong, though; she requires three interpreters and even then you’ll only understand a quarter of what she’s saying."

St Maarten
EXCERPT: "Once the resulting sandstorm died down enough for me to turn around and look for him, all I saw was his body curled into a little ball, facedown. Turtled, if you will."

Why meeeee
EXCERPT: "The doctor told me the bruising might get worse and spread over the next few days. He also assured me that what he'd extracted was definitely organic and terrestrial."

SIL
INCLUDED BECAUSE: of anonymous' comment - "wow a lovely also"

Verbatim
EXCERPT: "Annie asked Dad if he had a mustache when he was a baby."

You are NOT the baby’s father
EXCERPT: "It couldn't possibly be that Ricki Lake, THE Ricki Lake, as in, ‘Hi my name is Jessie Sweet, I'm 11 years old and I watch the Ricki Lake Show when my parents aren't home’ reposted MY update for all 45,688 of her followers to see."

On the road
INCLUDED BECAUSE of the following exchange in the comments:

An introduction
EXCERPT: "Ian, or Owen?"

#marriage

Good dog

St Jon

Just call me Evelyn Couch
EXCERPT: "Still, it’s better than when Corinne got Roald Dahl."

For your Wednesday
EXCERPT: "Hey, look. You have clothes on, and I can drive. That's everything we need to go get some pie."

A play in one act

I knew no one would believe me, so I took a picture

It’s official!
INCLUDED BECAUSE: of the joke at the end that totally bombed. I received no less than four text messages from friends and family wondering what my awesome new job was.

A conversation I wish I’d had, circa October 2004
EXCERPT: "You always think of the best responses 7 years later."

Why I will never book travel with Expedia ever again, and why you should seriously consider doing the same :)
EXCERPT: "THEY DO NOT KNOW WHO THEY ARE MESSING WITH HERE. I have many tens of people who read my blog and follow me on Twitter! Including my mother (not sure about my dad) and siblings!"

Good Old Days, Episode II
EXCERPT: "Oh, it was just food."

Times I made people cry
EXCERPT: "…the essence of it was that we liked Sarah!! and we HATED Amanda!!!! and SHE was the one we didn't want sitting with us!!!!!!! and there was definitely the word ‘walrus’ in there somewhere."
ALSO INCLUDED BECAUSE: of the comment from my aunt Mariann - "Wait til you have kids. Your numbers will definitely go up!"

-------------------------

Thanks for reading! Next year might be better! No promises.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

We drove up to Salt Lake for Christmas this year. It was a little more low-key than usual - my mom was sick (more on that later), and Corinne's due any moment with her little boy. Apparently flying cross country while 39 weeks pregnant isn't advised. (I emailed her yesterday to see what she was up to and she replied, "lolling in bed". And she didn't mean Laugh Out Louding. Poor little lamb.)

The drive up!

We thought we were in for it when we saw this storm up ahead of us, but luckily it didn't slow us down too much:

Happy Anniversary! SEVEN YEARS. My cousin Sarah got married that same day so this was us right before leaving for the reception:

Me being tall:

We walked through temple square afterwards, even though Jon didn't bring a coat. So so so so so so so so so so beautiful:

Right before Annie snapped the following picture, she took another one, reviewed it, started laughing hysterically and told us it was HORRENDOUS of both of us. Later, when I cycled through the pictures, I found the one she was talking about and I didn't think it was bad of me at all :(

(Jon was cold.)

Have you ever really looked at an antelope?

My grandma's nativity is prettier than your grandma's nativity:

Jon found three sticks of string cheese in his coat pocket. He hadn't worn the coat in a year.

Christmas Day! We spent it at Annie's house in Heber. Jon and I slept over the night before and my parents drove up from Salt Lake for the day. We had the most delicious breakfast EVER (eggs Newport, ever heard of it? You layer English muffins, ham, a delicious mixture of hollandaise and sliced hardboiled eggs, with crumbled bacon on top), then opened presents, then watched Inception, then made our traditional fondue for dinner.

My parents had to leave a couple of hours before we made chocolate fondue, and they totally missed out:

Back at my grandparents' house; dad holding Gunner's head up for him again.

CONCLUSION: The worst part of the entire trip was when my mom got a virus in her ear that made her dizzy, nauseated, and bed-ridden for three whole days. The best part of the entire trip was when, at the wedding reception, my cousin Adam picked a piece of food out of his salad and asked my brother-in-law Steve if it was an apple slice. Steve responded with a little too much gusto, "It's jicama" - and as he said it, a big chunk of jicama flew out of his mouth and landed on the floor.

Hope I didn't inhale any spores...

2011-12-23T07:00:00.000-07:00

(We are currently in Utah. I wrote this blog post two days ago and never got around to publishing it. Woopsies. Also, since this was written, we celebrated our SEVENTH wedding anniversary which probably deserves its own post but isn't going to get it.)

I have been such a slacker. Working full time is not conducive to regular blogging, and it hasn't helped that there's been nothing particularly newsworthy going on ever since I got this job. We leave this afternoon for Utah for Christmas so I should probably tell you about the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom before we go:

This is the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom.

And I'll conclude with this picture of Penny - to date, my favorite picture of her ever. Something to do with the expression on her face and the fact that she's holding her toy with her freaky shorn feet.

Best part of my day

2011-12-16T17:12:00.002-07:00

Fountainhead

2011-12-15T10:06:00.001-07:00

Sometime someone ask me a question immediately after I take a swig of water so that I can answer normally without swallowing first. We are going to laugh SO hard.

Everyone likes free stuff

2011-12-10T22:26:00.001-07:00

I finally got my blog Christmassed! Also, remember how I made this?

You may have it. Happy Christmas.

(download here.)

That's what's up

2011-12-07T19:15:00.001-07:00

When we lived in Tucson, I worked for the best company on earth for two and a half years. I won’t get sappy about it, even though A) my feelings about it are very sappy, and B) those were some of the happiest years of my entire life. I’ll just say that leaving was heartbreaking, and I’m absolutely certain that I’d still be working there were it not for our quitting America temporarily so Jon could attend medical school.

When we knew we were for sure moving to Phoenix (where the region is headquartered) I immediately got in touch with my old HR manager and let her know I would be in the area and looking for work. Her reply was disappointing but left me the faintest glimmer of hope – they were still on a reduced staff after 100+ layoffs, but she’d keep me in mind if anything cropped up over the next few months.

Something finally cropped up last week, but NO ONE GET TOO EXCITED because it’s only a temporary position for December and some of January. I knew what it was when I agreed to it, and come the new year I’ll be back to square one unless I can get something else lined up before then. Still, that being said….it is so good to be back, even just for a little while. The work is easy but fulfilling, the people are old friends, the commute is pleasant, I work half-days on Fridays, and, in short, there is nothing else I’d rather be doing this holiday season. It helps that Jon is being really boring lately what with studying 10 hours a day and all. It also helps that the office is absolutely gorgeous.

main lobby

courtyard

view

my desk

I want to work here forever.

Better late than never

2011-12-06T08:30:00.000-07:00

Finally, pictures from our trip to Utah for Thanksgiving.

On the way there, we flew right over the Grand Canyon. It was awesome. We also passed directly over Kennecotte copper mine (sadly, unpictured).

Our first day there, the whole family went to the new Natural History Museum of Utah. Quite a view from the balcony at sunset.

Me, Annie

My favorite part. Wall o' Ceratopsians.

Me, Annie, Thanksgiving (and my birthday!) morning.

Crab drink! A Sweet family holiday staple. Clamato juice, crab meat, grapefruit. It is much more delicious than it sounds. (It's like ceviche! Ceviche soup. Served cold. Nothing to be afraid of.)

Annie's an art major and used the family as subjects for her weekly sketch assignment. Here she is doing a ten-minute portrait of Serena, our sister-in-law.

Jon and The General at the Hogle Zoo.

Lemur, Serena

I won't tell you the disgusting thing it was doing. Let's just say that apparently gorillas like to eat their own barf.

I was so glad we decided to go to Music and the Spoken Word in the old Tabernacle building on Temple Square, because it was their first week doing Christmas music! It's not Christmas without MoTab.

The assembly hall.

Cool fountain in the new City Creek development.

And then....the drive home. View of Mount Timpanogos on the way from Heber to Provo.

During the trip back, the Mazda turned 388,888 kilometers and Jon was insistent on me taking a picture.

Serena won best moment of the entire trip with her dramatic retelling of a childhood story. She was watching a neighbor's chickens and one of them died. When she went to step on the fresh grave to tamp down the dirt, the thing let out a nightmarish, guttural gobble from under the earth - the result of some surplus air inside its lungs.

(There's a reason for the delay in putting up this post. I'll tell you all about it another time.)

Her bite is worse than her bark. And she doesn't bite. So.

2011-12-02T14:55:00.001-07:00

We boarded Penny at a kennel while we were in Utah, and I wondered how much of her time there she'd spend barking. My question was answered shortly after she arrived home.

Beat THIS

2011-11-28T21:49:00.001-07:00

Shake Face, perfected:

I haz a husband

2011-11-22T12:21:00.001-07:00

Jonny J, rocking the side part

On Friday night, Jon arrived home after seven weeks in Dallas. Just a few days after we moved to Phoenix, he left for a medical licensing exam review course and I've been all alone this whole time. You didn't know he was gone, because I don't know you're not a murderous psychopath. Now he's back, and I'm not lonesome anymore, and the world is lovely. We leave tomorrow for our trip to Utah for Thanksgiving/my birthday, so between that and our reunion I had a lot to look forward to these past couple weeks.

Speaking of, last night he took me to dinner at a fancy fondue place as an early birthday celebration, and I don't want to brag, but,

Swiss cheese fondue, Mediterranean crepe (with scallops, leeks, and saffron sauce), pear crepe. My taste buds were overjoyed. I love birthdays.

We'll be gone until at least Sunday. Happy Thanksgiving!!

Times I Made People Cry

2011-11-17T19:39:00.001-07:00

It's not a long list.

The first was Amanda Wetherbee. In seventh grade, I was not very cool. I'd just moved across the country and was trying unsuccessfully to fit in to clicks that had formed when my classmates were fetuses. After a few months of eating lunch alone, I was befriended by one of the misfits groups. Luckily, these were the smart-and-wholesome-albeit-totally-socially-inept loners because let's face it; I would have pledged allegiance to anyone that wanted to sit with me during lunch.

[And I have to interject here, because I've had this quote written down for months- MONTHS- waiting for the right moment to share it, and I think this just might be it. This summer, Corinne was saying how this one girl ruined sixth grade for her, AND I QUOTE: "She stole all my friends, so I had to make friends with the goth kids because they were the only ones that would take me halfway through the year."]

My middle school cafeteria served Dominos pizza daily and I'd sit with my awkward group of misfits, all of us ripping our pizzas into bite-sized chunks and dipping them in watered-down ranch dressing. A girl named Sarah who was very nice but decidedly more socially inept than the rest of us (and that's saying a lot) had been sitting at our table for about a week when I made Amanda cry, AND SHE DESERVED IT.

Before I get to the meat of it, I need to set something straight. I'd be lying by omission if you thought I was some valiant person in middle school, always on the lookout for people to stick up for, because I was not. I was a scared, sad little bird, just trying to get through each day. But when Amanda Wetherbee, completely unprovoked, loudly asked Sarah in the most poisonous tone imaginable why she was sitting at our table when none of us liked her, something inside me snapped.

I can't quote myself verbatim, but the essence of it was that we liked Sarah!! and we HATED Amanda!!!! and SHE was the one we didn't want sitting with us!!!!!!! and there was definitely the word "walrus" in there somewhere. When I finished, I realized I'd been yelling. Everyone's mouths were open. Amanda pushed back from the table, burst into tears, and ran for the bathroom.

I was pretty sure I'd eventually be called to the principal's office, once she told her parents the horrible things I'd said, so after school I fearfully explained to my mom what had happened, and that I'd probably be in trouble, and that I was so ashamed, and that it would never happen again. She shocked me by telling me how proud she was that I'd stuck up for someone else. Up until then, it had honestly not occurred to me that I'd done the right thing.

The second incident was my junior year of high school and I can't explain the story without giving out some personal details, so sorry if it's TMI. I'll try to put it delicately. I was having some "female issues" that involved losing copious amounts of blood for months on end. When I finally told my mom, she immediately booked me with the gynecologist, who put me on birth control so that I wouldn't, you know, bleed to death. [OH MY GOSH I almost forgot! When I stepped into the lobby after my first appointment, I came face to face with the nine-months-pregnant Mia Maids advisor which resulted in one of the most uncomfortable greetings of my entire life. I'm sure she wasn't expecting to run into one of her Young Women at the gynecologist's office, and I wasn't going to tell her why, exactly, I was there. Let's just hope she gave me the benefit of the doubt.]

Anyway, there was this girl in my seminary class. We'll call her Alexa, because that was her name. She was the type of person to take a guideline from For the Strength of Youth and run it all the way to the other end of the field, then judge you against her invented standard, which is just the sort of person I have zero tolerance for. She was adamant about not kissing before marriage. KISSING. Actually, how she put it was, she could never kiss a guy before marriage any more passionately than she'd kiss her dad, which I thought was wonderfully creeptastic. Anyway, she caught wind that I was on birth control, WICKED, IMMORAL BIRTH CONTROL, and took matters into her own hands.

She confronted me in the commons between classes, and it did not end well for her. She told me that birth control was against the church and that it was sinful of me to use it. She thought she was saving my soul. I lost it on her, and I honestly do not remember a single thing that I said. I must have blacked out from rage, because I typically have a great memory. I never actually saw her cry, but she was visibly upset when I concluded, and during the next break between classes my concerned friend Andy asked me why Alexa had been sobbing after our conversation. I happily explained.

[To non-Mormon readers - the LDS church in no way opposes birth control. We're certainly a family-oriented religion, but, from the church's official website, "The decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife". In Alexa's defense, there is no mention on there of teenaged girls using birth control as prevention from bleeding to death, though, so. Maybe she was right after all.]

And there it is. Two people. SO FAR.

Stuff

2011-11-15T23:54:00.001-07:00

Ways I'm Saving Money Whilst Unemployed:

By not going to any interviews, therefore saving in gas costs.
By making my own meals. I've only eaten out FOUR TIMES in the past seven weeks, and two of those were Taco Bell for under three dollars (it is very, very wrong that my first/only Mexican food since moving to Phoenix has been Taco Bell). One was Subway. The last was my first-ever Vietnamese food. I went with pho - a yummy noodle soup - and because I am equal parts savvy and adverse to mispronouncing words, I even looked up how to order it on my phone before heading inside. Turns out it's not "fo", it's "fuh", and it was really hard for me to point to the word "pho" and say, "fuh" (though, admittedly, pretty fun. FUH!)
By doing laundry and running the dishwasher during non-peak hours. Maybe everyone else already knew this, but it blew my mind. You can save tons by not running those appliances between noon and 7 p.m. I also changed the settings on my dishwasher so that they air dry with no heat.
By not really doing anything that costs money, ever.

Ways I'm Not Saving Money Whilst Unemployed:

By booking a spur-of-the-moment trip to Salt Lake for Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so excited. The whole family minus pregnant Corinne will be there and I cannot wait. (Have I mentioned on my blog that she's expecting again?? Because she is! A boy! Due early January!) Also, my BIRTHDAY IS ON THANKSGIVING THIS YEAR, which only happens every seven years, so it was sort of a no-brainer to do it up right. The last time it was on Thanksgiving was in our first year of marriage and we were living in Canada, where Thanksgiving is celebrated in October, so. It was sort of a disappointing day, not gonna lie.

What I've Been Up To Whilst Unemployed:

Still making stuff in Photoshop, and I cannot think of a better time to catch my blog up on my recent creations.

First, a couple of ones in neons. I started obsessing over the color combo last week, after I made this for my Sunday School class:

So I promptly made neon ombre popsicles:

And reused it when yesterday, Jon's sister Kelsey asked me to make her a "bright, festive" blog header:

Last week, I was in full-on animal mode when I cranked out this chick:

this kiwi:

this capybara (and friend):

and this okapi, which is sort of my pride and joy:

Then, last night, I had a vision for a Christmas-themed creation, so I broke my rule of NO CHRISTMAS BEFORE THANKSGIVING to make it:

...but I haven't even so much as glanced at my Christmas music playlist in iTunes, nor will I until my second-favorite holiday is over. STOP STOMPING ON THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!

kthxbai

Has this ever happened to anyone else? No? Just me?

2011-11-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

Last night, I ripped off a bandaid and it TOOK MY SKIN WITH IT. Just like the time my gay friend in high school, Paul, waxed his eyebrows whilst on Accutane. Luckily, the bandaid was on the back of my arm, so the risk of me sporting a unibrow scab like his for the next three weeks is greatly reduced. But still! This goes against everything I know! Bandaids are not dangerous! And I honestly don't know how it happened. My arm was definitely clean and dry when I placed the bandage, as per the instructions on the box, and it's not like I wore it for three months. They were Equate brand, so I suppose that's what I get for shopping at Walmart. NO ONE BUY EQUATE BANDAIDS.

Go no further if the thought of a photo of skin clinging to a bandaid makes you want to die.

The night of the incident.

The morning after.

The next day.

Consider yourselves warned.

Handiwork

2011-11-08T22:41:00.001-07:00

Time for another round!

Just playing around with my buggy design. Everything's better with a French translation.

Sailboat! A little bit proud of this one.

Pinwheel! Took forever.

Sorry for the duplicate background. Grey stripes go with everything.

Snail!

I made that background myself! Well, I made all these backgrounds myself, but this one was the trickiest.

And last but best, my crowning achievement. I didn't think it could be done. I was defeated so many times, but my sister rallied me. Thank you, Annie, for not letting me give up on myself.

Before I reveal it, I'd just like to repeat that I am NOT pregnant. This is in no way an announcement.

Okay.

Here we go.

Guess I'll update my blog...

2011-11-05T18:31:00.002-07:00

Just because I haven't been posting doesn't mean I've been neglecting. Please admire my new blog design, and by "blog design" I mean header. I also changed the color of my links as well. And drew a turkey!!!!!! Definitely worth checking out, for those of you who never stray outside of Google Reader.

I've clearly had a lot of time on my hands. Really the only thing breaking up the monotony are job interviews and trips to the dog park. And the occasional toe cramp.

Since several of the jobs I've interviewed for have a creative element to them, I decided a while ago to up my Photoshop skills. I've always made my own headers and buttons and stuff (not like they're anything fancy) and I had enough of a grasp of how the program works to mention 'basic Photoshop' on my resume. I figured that it couldn't hurt to put all this extra time towards improving a marketable skill. Right? Right??

And with that I bring you some of my recent creations. These are all original designs. Please hold your applause until the very end.

This is my first attempt at a turkey. You'll notice that I gave up partway through and drew it by hand instead. (They get better, I promise.)

This little ghost was on my sidebar for the couple of weeks leading up to Halloween, but I can't imagine why that should prevent me from posting it again.

An idea that began on a birthday card to my sister Annie six years ago is now perfected.

This one I created for my Sunday School class. MY SUNDAY SCHOOL CLASS!! I haven't mentioned on my blog yet that I got called to teach 14-15 year old SUNDAY SCHOOL! This is what I get for not going to seminary and for brooding through church classes when I was a teenager. (So far I've only taught one class and it went really really well, not like you asked.) Depending on whether or not it costs more than fifty cents to print this on cardstock, I'll either hand these out to the class next week or put it on the Sunday School blog that I created that I'm not sure yet is allowed.

One of my favorite scripture references. I had my Sunday School class in mind again when I made this one.

Okay. And I saved my two favorites for last. I couldn't decide which I love more, so I put them in order of how long they took to make.

This first one I originally made in lavenders and greys for my future nursery, but when I showed it to Corinne she requested I make another to match her nursery, and I ended up loving it even more than the first. The reference is a lullaby my mom used to sing to us that I'll be singing to my own kids some day.

Aaaaaaand the most time-consuming of all. It must have taken me three (or four...) hours, but I love love LOVE it.

Yes, I'm going to make you scroll [EDITED TO ADD] and NO, I'm not pregnant.

If you want any of the printables, let me know and I'll email you the file. Clearly I have the time.

The Good Old Days, Episode II

2011-10-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

Some more oft-told Sweet family lore. This second installment begins eerily similar to the first.

That time my mom went out of town and my dad forgot to feed the horses for three days. He only realized his mistake when my mom called to ask how her ponies were doing. He sprinted outside, threw them some hay, then told her, "They were hungry."

That time Annie and I were pulling faces at the car behind us on a long road trip and they flagged my parents down. We thought we were busted, but it turns out they were just letting us know that all our clothes had blown off the roof of the car. That's what you get for strapping duffel bags onto a Volvo and then driving 60 miles an hour into the wind. You'd think my parents would have learned their lesson, after spending an hour chasing underwear all over the interstate, but ten years later the same exact thing happened somewhere outside of Elko, NV.

That time Corinne was babysitting, the people's dog diarrhead all over the house, and the only way she could think of to clean it up involved A) a brown paper bag and B) a spoon.

That time Annie passed out, fell down a flight of stairs, had a seizure, then slid down another flight of stairs while Corinne and I laughed hysterically. My mom had called her to dinner which was met with a cheerful, "Okay!" coming from upstairs, followed by a series of loud thumps, two clonks, and a thud. By the time we ran to the staircase and realized what had happened she was waking up, attempting to lift her head, and blinking confusedly on the landing. It was the subsequent seizing that sent her sliding down the second half of the staircase. My mom was on her own for the catching, because Corinne and I were rolling on the floor. (Turns out Annie was fine. She'd just stood up too quickly and blacked out at the most inopportune moment.)

How "sex" was a bad word in our house, and that time my dad angrily hollered, "WHAT'S THIS RATED???" when someone said "sex" in a video. A church-released video. That we were watching for Family Home Evening.

That ill-fated family trip to a Virginia ski hill aptly named "Massanutten". Firstly, my parents scored a free night's stay there plus two ski passes as a result of going to some sales presentation, yet my dad still wouldn't spring for a couple more passes so the whole family could ski together. Instead, he took us out on the hill one at a time while everyone else sat brooding in the lodge for hours. Secondly, I very nearly died that day. A handful of sad snow-making machines plus a hundred-thousand skiers turned the hill into a perilous block of ice. Oblivious to the danger, I pointed my skis straight downhill and pumped my little sticks as fast as I could. I must have been going at least eighty miles an hour when I hit a pothole and went reeling. People were leaping out of my way left and right as I careened all the way down the hillside and eventually slid to a stop at the entrance to the ski lift. My dad caught up a minute later (holding both of my skis), and, judging from my poor, contorted, limp body, assumed I was maimed for life. Somehow I was unscathed. Last time I ever went skiing, though.

That time Annie was 100% positive that the words to a certain Disney song said, "Be our guest! Be our guest! Put our service to the dest!", and her unwillingness to back down even long after her position on the issue had been invalidated by her sisters.

The day my mom discovered our hidden stash of poop and fart jokes. Her world was rattled. ("How could my sweet, precious little girls be so crude??")

The first time my mom ever said "crap". That vile word she refused to allow in her house. That word that caused her the deepest sorrow when one of her kids used it. That word that cost us a whole quarter every time we uttered it. She finally embraced it the day our ailing dog, Sadie, had an abdominal explosion all over the house. "THAT DOG CRAPPED EVERYWHERE!!!!" *gasp* "Mom! You said 'crap'!" "SHE DID CRAP! SHE CRAPPED EVERYWHERE! THERE IS NO OTHER WORD TO DESCRIBE WHAT THAT DOG DID TO MY HOUSE!!!!" One of the best moments of my life, for sure, a close second being when she finally gave in to the word "freaking".

How Annie didn't want to grow up because she was afraid of heights.

That time Corinne and I saw what can only be described as a shell-less burn-victim turtle skittering at breakneck speed across a fire-scorched stretch of interstate. We both saw it. We both screamed bloody murder. Neither of us can explain it.

That time Corinne discovered something grisly in her recently-extracted-wisdom-tooth socket. She explained to me with no small measure of disgust that the doctor had apparently left a strip of hamburgered skin hanging out of the wound. Two days later I asked her if it was still there and she casually replied, "Oh, it was just food."

I'M UNEMPLOYED!!

2011-10-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

And quitting yesterday morning was the best thing I ever did. I'm not going to hash out all the details on my public blog, but let's just say the job didn't work out. Luckily I cut my losses early and can move on to bigger and better things. I'm totally and completely assured in my decision - a far cry from my panicky and emotional weekend when I realized I'd made a mistake (ask Jon. It was very panicky and emotional). There are better things on the horizon and I don't have to compromise. And that's all there is to say about that.

I've had a lot of time on my hands lately, some of which I've spent taking innumerable pictures of Penny, some of which I've spent teaching her to roll over (cutest thing EVERRR, yes I took a video, no I'm not posting it), some of which I've spent with her at the dog park, and some of which I've spent improving my domesticity.

So fresh and so clean. And sleepy.

Introspective.

....Yikes. Should I get that eye looked at?

Had the dog park all to ourselves one day.

On the subject of being domestic. It's high time I remind you all about THIS RECIPE. I posted it on my blog back when my mom was my only reader and it's one of my favorite things ever to eat. I made it the other day and thought I should repost the recipe. MAKE IT NOW.

Then two days ago I made PUMPKIN AND EFFING COCONUT SOUP from this recipe (thanks, Lianna!). Definitely the best soup I've ever made, and I have made at least two soups.

And look at me, all grown up and going to the grocery store all by myself! Check out the produce bags at my local super Walmart; have you ever seen anything more obscene???

It went all the way up to my armpit. Perfect for really, really long cucumbers and also for examining cow colons. (I don't typically wear flip flops for anything other than taking Penny outside but you should SEE the blister on the back of my left foot. I don't even know if you can call it a blister at this point - it's definitely more of a seeping, dime-sized cavity. That's what I get for wearing shoes to work.)

Finally, speaking of taking Penny outside, and the reason why I'm writing this blog post well past my bedtime. I started hearing some helicopter activity around ten which is a common occurrence and no cause for alarm. Then, as I turned on the bathroom faucet to wash my face, I heard police officers screaming into megaphones to COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR. So, of course, I sprinted, SPRINTED for my phone. Unfortunately, by the time I was rolling footage, all the megaphoning was finished, but I think I still captured the essence of the moment when there were at least three helicopters encircling my building. Three cheers for Phoenix!

Thus, I'm never going outside again. If Penny can learn to roll over, she can learn to use the toilet.

Who wants to visit????

I'M EMPLOYED!!

2011-10-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

For the first time in two years! The job search went so much better than I ever could have hoped. I've only really been looking for two weeks, have had several interviews, and even turned down a couple of offers. Then, on Monday I met with a woman at a counseling office, today I went back in for a "follow-up" wherein she offered me the job, and I start tomorrow!

It's 8-5 Monday through Friday and sounds like a really great opportunity. The only downside is that there are no insurance benefits, but fortunately I'll be making enough money to have us insured privately instead. The position is reception and administrative support with lots of potential to advance fairly quickly. I'm very pleased.

Luckily, we were in a place that I could be a little bit picky and I didn't feel like I had to take the first thing that came along. Which was a HUGE blessing, but try telling that to my nerves. I've been a little bit of an anxious wreck during this whole process and am so glad to finally have something to do to fill my days other than hitting "refresh" on job listing sites and fretting about interviews.

And that's my news. OH - and how terrible am I? I'm not nervous at all about starting my new job, but I'm completely torn up over leaving Penny at home during the day. Millions of people do it, and I used to work full time in Tucson with Jon always on the road, so it's not like it's a new concept. But it still makes me sad. And then I think about working parents, of CHILDREN, and I can't even imagine how I'd feel if she were a human being. I'm the lamest person I know.

Pre-Hallowe'en Treat

2011-10-17T15:40:00.000-07:00

I don't think it's possible for you to love this picture even half as much as I do, but you can sure try.

[Insert blood-curdling scream here]

Still have the scar from those stitches, btw:

Fortunately, the swelling has since gone down.

(And there isn't a cool story of how the injury happened. I tripped on a toy and fell face first onto another toy. Thanks a lot, hands.)

Here's one for Regretsy.com

2011-10-15T11:30:00.000-07:00

At first glance, I thought it was a rock vaguely shaped like Idaho for sale for $15.95 plus $6 shipping.

Then I realized it was a PICTURE of a rock vaguely shaped like Idaho for sale for $15.95 plus $6 shipping.

I want my money back

2011-10-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

[phone conversation]
Me: I made Banoffee the other day.
Annie: Huh?
Me: Banoffee.
Annie: .....what did you say?
Me: Banoffee.
Annie: Ga-nocky? Oooooh, gnocchi.
Me: No. Banoffee. Like banana-toffee. Banoffee.

Apparently it's a staple in the UK and catching on in the US. I followed this recipe, and the entire thing was sort of a disaster. First of all, the girl's recommendation for turning Eagle Brand milk into carmel? Yeah, the day I want molten carmel and twisted metal exploding in my face is the day I'll boil an unopened can of sweetened condensed milk on my stovetop. I did a little research on alternate methods and went for the instructions listed on Eagle Brand's website: "Just empty into a saucepan, heat and stir!" Another website confirmed this method, explaining it would take between ten and fifteen minutes before it turned to carmel.

LIARS!!!!!!!!!!!

I heated and stirred until my arm ached. Then I kept heating and stirring until my silicon spatula tore in half. Then I switched to a wooden spoon and kept heating and stirring until I'd heated and stirred for THIRTY MINUTES - at one point thinking maybe it needed to boil? Even though the websites said nothing about boiling it? - before it finally turned into something slightly darker and more viscous than warm sweetened condensed milk. I killed the heat and stowed it in the fridge, turning my attention to the whipped cream topping (which turned out very nicely).

Checking every few minutes on my carmel, I realized it was hardening exponentially faster than it was cooling. By the time it was touchable, it was cement. I could not have even chipped it out with Maria Shriver's face.

Two days later my bananas were nearing their end, so I reattempted. This time I tried the microwave method for turning Eagle Brand milk into carmel. It only partially worked, and created an overwhelming, sticky mess in my microwave when it boiled over (no one warned me that THAT was a possibility).

By now my whipped cream, which had been sitting in the fridge for two days, wasn't looking so fluffy. Trying to liven it up with the handmixer, I brought it dangerously close to butter. As in, there were a few yellow-tinged chunks sitting atop my pie once it was all assembled.

The good news, though, is that it was delicious. I totally ate two pieces of it, before the bananas dissolved into inedible mush.

The bad news is that I'll never make it, or anything else, ever again.

Why I Will Never Book Travel through Expedia Ever Again, and Why You Should Very Seriously Consider Doing the Same :)

2011-10-12T15:54:00.002-07:00

(Fair warning - this post is very long and has no resolution. If you're looking for a story with an ending, you came to the wrong place.)

To recap, during our move down to Phoenix we planned to stay a night in Page, Arizona. We searched Expedia for dog-friendly hotels and booked a room in advance at the Best Western ArizonaInn. When we arrived after a long day of driving, however, we were informed by the front desk that dogs, in fact, were not allowed at that hotel. Jon then spoke with an Expedia customer service agent who was properly chagrinned at the mistake on their website and did her best to find us an alternative. This process took over an hour, since hardly any hotels in Page accept pets and of the ones that did, none had any availability on such short notice. Finally a room was located, we were promised a $50 Expedia voucher for our trouble, and the call was transferred to Days Inn whereupon we quickly learned that fifty bucks would not cover the difference between the two hotels.

I turned to Twitter and explained what had happened followed by, "Not good enough, Expedia, not good enough." Within an hour I had a response from an Expedia representative, and we began communicating via direct message to get to the bottom of the issue.

Expedia: "Thanks for responding, we've sent your case to our service team and they'll be in touch with you once they've finished review."

Two days later a rep called Jon to ask some clarifying questions. The conclusion to that conversation was that they would send our information along to the people who handle that sort of thing. That last sentence is important; go read it again.

Eight days later, we hadn't heard back. So I sent a direct message to Expedia that said, "It's been over a week and I haven't heard back on anything yet. Did I get forgotten? :("

To which they replied, wait for it, "My team says they were able to reach you by phone on 9/22. Was there something they were following up on for you?"

I had been patient until then, but now I was irritated. There had been NO resolution in the phone call between Jon and the customer service representative. It was suddenly clear that they were just shuffling the case around, no one wanting to address it, and somewhere along the way we'd been forgotten.

I replied, "They called us to ask some clarifying questions, but there was no conclusion. They said they would 'pass along the information to the people who handle these cases'".

Expedia's response: "Thanks for letting us know. I'll re-escalate this for you and our team will be in touch tomorrow morning."

That was on October 1st. On October 4th, I wrote, "Hi. No one called me the next morning."

To which they replied, "We tried calling Sunday morning and left a voicemail".

Now, I'm not saying they're liars, but neither Jon nor I had any missed calls or voicemails from Expedia until later that day when an agent named Kristine called while I was interviewing for a job and left me a message saying something to the effect of, WAIT FOR IT, "I already spoke with your husband on September 22. You should talk to him."

I DID TALK TO HIM!!!!! HE IS MY HUSBAND!!! AND THERE WAS NO RESOLUTION TO THAT PHONE CALL!!!!!!!! YOU SAID YOU WERE PASSING THE CASE OFF TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS NOT A CONCLUSION!!!!!!!!!!!!

And to further fan the flames of my anger, the number she left for me to call was a voicemail-only line. Meaning I could call and leave a message, and then she could take up to 24 hours to respond (which she certainly did. Each time).

So a full day after I left a message on her machine, she called again. This time I was in the shower. She laughed in her message that we were playing "phone tag" and reminded me to call and leave her another message. Of course we're playing phone tag, I HAVE to leave messages every time I call. I have no other choice. I cannot call and speak to a human, only a machine. That is the way your system is designed.

And the most aggravating of all. It was as though it had never occurred to her that perhaps she had caught me at a bad time and that she could try again a little while later. No. If I missed her call, I had to call back, leave another voicemail, and wait the full 24 hours again. I'm sure the reason for the voicemail-only line is because that department is just so busy, and to that I say NO WONDER. Your system is so ineffective and your people so unaccountable that it takes weeks for each issue to be resolved. Of course the cases pile up.

Then, after her first two attempts (when I was in a job interview and the shower, respectively), she quit calling me back altogether. Today I left my third message in a row with no response.

So like I said, this story has no conclusion. It's now been 26 days since they screwed up our hotel reservations, and they've simply quit communicating with me. Well, THEY DO NOT KNOW WHO THEY ARE MESSING WITH HERE. I have many tens of people who read my blog and follow me on Twitter! Including my mother (not sure about my dad) and siblings! That is some serious relevancy! We will not stand for this!

*****EDITED TO ADD*****
Today, Kristine called me back, apologized, and said she'd work with her manager to figure out how to compensate us for the trouble. I told her I'm not looking for week's free stay in Maui, I just think that at the very least they should cover the entire difference between the two hotels. Obviously I'll update if/when I ever hear back.

A Conversation I Wish I'd Had, Circa October 2004

2011-10-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

Me: Hi! I'm your downstairs neighbor.
Woman: ..Uhh...hi?
Me: No, no, I don't think you understand. I'm the neighbor that you reported yesterday because my music was "blaring".
Woman: Oh, right. Well my baby was napping so yes, I reported you.
Me: Yeah, it was an interesting phone call. When management made contact, my roommate and I were sure they had the wrong apartment, since we didn't think we were playing any music at all.
Woman: Well--
Me: Excuse me DON'T interrupt me. When management called, you see, we were quite confused. We couldn't hear a thing. But they insisted that we were "blasting" music and making it impossible for babies everywhere to sleep. So we, my roommate and I, decided to investigate. A trip into the bedroom revealed that one of us had, indeed, accidentally left the radio on, playing so quietly that once we vacated to the living room it was completely forgotten.
Woman: Well, there must be a vent connecting the rooms, or something, because it was really making a lot of noise.
Me: Hey, you know what else makes a lot of noise?
Woman: .....What?
Me: Your stupid baby screaming at all hours of the night, that's what.
Woman: E-e-excuse me?
Me: You heard me. So tomorrow, when you hear a slight sound coming from my apartment during naptime, you just keep in mind all the times I've awoken at 3am to the blood-curdling and interminable shrieks of your little banshee.
Woman: [starts to cry]
Me: I said GOOD DAY.

You always think of the best responses seven years later.

The Family Video

2011-10-03T22:44:00.000-07:00

The. THEEE family video. There is only one. (Thank goodness my uncle gave us excerpts of his footage from Christmas 1989, otherwise there would be ZERO family videos.) This summer I looked into having it converted from VHS to digital, but there was no one in Rexburg to do it for me so I had to improvise. One day I'll actually have it done the real way, but I had a fear of this tape being lost forever and I figured a sorry copy is better than no copy. I hope we can still be friends.

The video takes place at my Grandma and Grandpa Dalby's house in Logan, Utah. I had just turned four, Annie was six, Corinne was eight. In only five minutes and twenty-five seconds, it effectively sums up our childhood sisterly dynamic - Corinne in charge, Annie and I doing what's required to stay in her good graces. (The only thing that's missing is a whole lot of screaming and crying.)

I added subtitles for the best parts and the ones that might be hard to hear. Watch it full-screen so they're easier to read. My absolute favorite moment is Annie at the very end.

How Jon Kills a Shower Spider

2011-10-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

Jon: How am I supposed to kill this thing?

Me: Just get a shoe and kill it.

Jon: [shudder] I think I'll drown it in shampoo. [proceeds to drown it in shampoo]

Me: ...is it dead yet?

Jon: I don't think so. [waits thirty seconds, then turns on the water to rinse it down the drain. The shampoo rinses away but the spider is stuck to the floor of the tub.]

Me: ...is it dead?

Jon: I don't think so. His legs are still moving, see?

Me: But how do you know it's not the water making his legs move?

Jon: .........................................................it might be the water.

fin

New digs!

2011-09-29T22:52:00.002-07:00

It is very important to me that you know the exact layout of my Apartment Home, so, please, periodically refer to the floor plan throughout this post. Our place is exactly like the blueprint, not reversed like other more stupid apartment complexes sometimes do. As a result, our Apartment Home was almost exactly like how I'd pictured it in my dreams during the weeks prior to move-in.

Okay. You have just walked in the front door. Penny greets you with a squeaky toy in her mouth. (Omg I'm about to digress already. That squeaky toy was the best three dollars I ever spent, and I can't believe I only just recently bought her one. She hasn't yet figured out how to make it squeak; she thinks it has something to do with rolling it around with her nose. Every once in a while she steps on it with her foot, perpetuating her misconception. Love that little dog like crazy, but I can't deny that she's a bit of a dummy.)

That giant empty space between the loveseat and the bookshelf is where a table is supposed to go. Don't mind all the bare walls. We're still getting settled.

Standing in the doorway looking right.

Standing in front of the couch. The living room is smaller than I expected, but our stuff fits so no big deal. (I plan on painting that table, btw. We bought it in Canada for 20 bucks and it was supposed to be a natural wood color. Surprise, you bought an eyesore! In their defense, the box DID say the actual product could vary from the picture, I just didn't realize that meant it would be a completely different color. Related: Does anyone have any tips for painting furniture?)

Our patio. Penny's going to love having the option to go out there as soon as the temperature dips below 90.

Kitchen. Someday there will be stools.

My mom gave me those two prints when I graduated high school. These pictures were all level four days ago when I hung them :\

My first PANTRY!!!

Hard to reach that top shelf. Hope Jon's Malt-o-Meal cocoa puffs aren't prone to nosebleeds.

Hallway(ish) area off the kitchen. Closet to the right, spare bathroom to the left.

Laundry room

Doubles for tote and lamp storage

Your bathroom!! There will be towels when you come visit.

Your bedroom! It's still a work in progress.

Spare/Jon's closet YES WE HAVE TWO WALK-IN CLOSETS.

Our room

The tealight holders were a souvenir from Statia. My mom bought me the three prints in the front in Paris, and the drawing of me was a Christmas gift from my sister Annie. (She's an art major at BYU and when we stayed at her place on our way down here I asked to see her most recent work. One was a sketch of a woman sweeping, and that's when Annie busted out the suggested literature for her figure drawing class. It's a famous book apparently [in the art world at least], compiled by that guy who photographed a galloping horse for the first time in history, and is chock full of nudes doing all manner of gender-specific activities. Wrestling, running, and lifting weights for men. Carrying pails of water and spanking children for the women. I KID YOU NOT, there was a half-page spread of a woman falling onto a mattress. You should have seen the resulting laughter. MANIACAL.)

Penny's bed

Master closet

Ugh. One thing I don't like about our place. Have you ever seen such silliness? No bar to hang clothes? Instead you have to place things individually and can't slide items over to make more space. And I hang like items together, so heaven forbid if I ever buy five more shirts - I'll have to painstakingly rearrange the entire closet one item at a time. Not to mention the waste of space, having things so spread out.

Master bath

Overall we're really pleased with our new place. Management is awesome and all our small problems have been resolved quickly and amiably. Our neighbors are friendly, the grounds are nice, and it feels really safe despite being in a busy part of town. Full disclosure: at first we were a little concerned about the location. It was much more commercial than we'd expected, and by that I mean, "Turn left at the Shell station" because we literally share a driveway. But we're set back from the road and it's actually really peaceful. No noise or anything.

We went to church on Sunday and our new ward seems great - we had tons of people introducing themselves, a far cry from our old Tucson ward which, there is no other way to say it, was awful.

Two last things. First: our dishwasher was leaking, so maintenance ordered a new one. In the meantime, our dishes started to pile up in the sink. On the second day, I suggested, "I guess we could wash them by hand..." and then we both started laughing hysterically.

Second: Our apartment must have sat empty for a while before we moved in, because the spare toilet was full of black mold. I mentioned it to management, and when the guys came over to look at our dishwasher they also investigated the loo. So the one guy was asking me these questions like, "How often do you use this bathroom?" and, "How long has it been like this?" Finally when he asked me the last time I'd cleaned it, I realized that he didn't know we had just moved in. He thought I was just some tenant that never cleaned her toilet and then complained to management about mold!! And what a guy, he never once asked, "Excuse me, are you an idiot???" or called me revolting. I can't say I would have behaved as well if I'd been on the other end of that misunderstanding.

pre-move

2011-09-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

Time to get caught up on a few pictures from before the journey.

BIRDS:

So this was so weird. Jon and I were on our way back to Idaho after a trip to Canada and I just happened to glance up in time to see what I thought was a giant elk. I only saw it for a split second and thought maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me, but we pulled over at the next exit and BEHOLD!

Click to enlarge. The thing was massive. And really far away.

Omg, we've made it to the saga of the abandoned calf.

On the day of abandonment, looking for a new mama.

Me petting it.

Long story short, this little guy was deserted by his herd right behind my parents' house and it took three days and four phone calls to the farmer before he decided to intervene. Also, there was a point where the calf gave up on life and laid down for 30 hours, and a point when Jon carried it across a stream to get it closer to its family, and also a point when the calf tried to rejoin the herd and they all stomped on him, and also a couple of points when I cried (some of those events overlap). Saddest thing ever. But he's okay now. Well, he's either okay, or he's veal. One or the other.

Bibs are not just for babies and the elderly

2011-09-27T17:54:00.001-07:00

I'm not quite ready to post pictures of our new place, because I haven't taken them, nor have I finished unpacking. But! I AM ready to reveal that thing I made! I know the suspense has been killing you all summer, ever since I first announced a couple of months ago that I was actually making a craft of my own volition, not out of duty to conform at a church activity. (What do you mean you hadn't been waiting in hopeful expectation this whole time? You don't even remember me saying that? What's this all about??)

Okay! So I made a bib necklace! I had never even heard of such a thing until a friend of mine did a Stella and Dot Jewelry giveaway on her blog a while ago and I saw the coolest thing I've ever seen:

I didn't win the giveaway, of course, and the necklace was $200 (now down to $99, in case you have that kind of money to spend on a single piece of jewelry you can wear like twice a year). So! I decided I would MAKE it! Or at least something like it. Or something that vaguely resembled it. I didn't really succeed, but still love mine so there.

Obviously it's not as elaborate as the original, but that just means I can wear it more often. And lately I've been obsessed with midnight blue and coral together, hence my variation from the color palette. Stringing and braiding those tiny seed beads was ridiculous, btw.

And in case you're wondering how a person wears such a thing, I'm still figuring that out. Wish me luck.

(Also, don't bother clambering to get to the comments first to ask me to make one for you, because I can't. If I implied that I made this all on my own, sorry. My mom helped, ie did most of the work.)

Phoenician

2011-09-22T15:09:00.001-07:00

(Disclaimer: This is a very long, possibly very boring, not at all clever blog post outlining our move from Idaho to Arizona. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to skip it altogether.)

I live in Phoenix now. This move from beginning to end was the most exhausting of my life for a thousand reasons that I'm not sure I want to revisit. Okay, fine. First it was the thing with the movers not showing up. Jon booked us with a broker called Budget Van Lines - a great idea in theory that turned into a total nightmare. The basis is that there are thousands of moving trucks across the country doing return trips and it's better for them to pick stuff up along the way for less money instead of just going back empty. We got connected with a truck heading back to Phoenix in our general timeframe, but like I mentioned last week, that truck "broke down" in Butte, Montana the day it was supposed to be picking up our stuff. I use quotation marks because, after reading reviews of the broker online, I have serious doubts about whether the truck was ever within a thousand miles of us. I suspect they were telling us, "Oh it's on its way! It's so close!" for those few days just to keep us from canceling the entire thing, and when our patience was up they invented some story about a break down as a last ditch effort to keep our business. Just a suspicion, but one that's warranted. So at the last minute we ducked out and reserved a do-it-yourself truck instead. That was exactly what Jon was trying to avoid by going through the broker - he was willing to pay more money to have someone else do it; a combination of a bad back and not wanting to drive a moving truck from Idaho to Phoenix. But too bad. When you want to spend all your money on medical school, then you can't afford to pay more money for a moving company. Especially one that would have kept us waiting for a week or more when we were already past our move-in date (and paying rent) at our new apartment complex.

We were told to pick up the truck at 8 Saturday morning, but when we showed up the shop was deserted. After about ten phone calls, I finally got a hold of the guy who was supposed to have been there to meet us. He explained that he was just on his way out the door and would be there in a couple of minutes. Ten minutes later, a man walked out of the front door of a house sharing the same lot as the shop, got in his car, drove for twelve seconds, and parked next to us. That was our guy. It literally would have been faster for him to walk through his backyard than to drive up the lane. I was aghast.

We paid some teenaged boys in my parents' ward to move our things from the crawl space onto the truck. As soon as everything was loaded, we took off on the first leg of our journey to Heber. We deposited our couches at my sister's house before we left for Statia, remember? It was time to reclaim them (sorry Annie). Since they're so heavy, we knew that we'd need more people to help move them so we had her track down the number for the missionaries. In her quest, she spoke to her visiting teacher whose husband and friend volunteered for the task instead. Of course, hours after they were supposed to have been there, one guy knocked on the front door. We managed to load the couches with just him and me and Annie and Steve (Jon was exempted because of his back), but I had an inner struggle over whether or not to be angry at the guy. On the one hand, he DID help us move our stuff. For free. But on the other hand, he was like four hours late, showed up with half as many people as we needed, and we didn't even want him in the first place. We wanted the missionaries, and he offered his services. And we never even got the missionaries' phone number because he and his friend were so certain they'd do it. There was a point near 8:30 when I realized even if we HAD their number, it was too late to call the missionaries if these other guys didn't show. We had no options. I was stressing like crazy. All because he offered to help us and then showed up hours and hours late. You can't offer to help, eliminate all other options, and then not deliver. I decided I was going to be angry at him.

The next day we drove to Page, Arizona. We'd booked a pet-friendly hotel in advance on Expedia but when we arrived after eight hours of driving, SURPRISE! They don't allow pets! Jon spent over an hour on the phone with customer service and they gave us a $50 voucher for our trouble, since it was completely their error. But the only pet-friendly hotel in Page with availability on such short notice cost more than $50 more than our original booking. Lame! (To be fair, after I tweeted this story, Expedia contacted me, apologized, and asked for trip details to see what they could do. I haven't yet heard back and maybe they'll give us tons of free stuff, but probably not.)

And I'm not even done yet with the hangups in our trip. Penny knocked my iPhone out of my hand as I was filling up gas in Page the next morning. I texted my mom right before we started the final leg of our trip, but then ten minutes later my phone started vibrating. And wouldn't stop. And the screen was black. And no combination of pressing and holding buttons could get it to snap out of it. I signaled for Jon to pull over to let him know my phone was out of commission, then placed it in the backseat. Two days later, after we'd arrived and moved our things in, the battery finally vibrated itself to death, and it's been working fine ever since (???). The fact that it's now okay and that I was able to text my mom right after it fell makes me think the vibrating thing had less to do with it falling and more to do with it glitching out in a no-service area. So so weird.

About ten minutes outside of Flagstaff, the air conditioning in the Jeep died and as a result I had to create a revised version of the ice bed that nearly froze Penny to death two years ago on the drive up from Tucson. We were about to start the hottest part of the drive and I'd rather have her a little too cold for two hours than suffering heatstroke. My changes, and the fact that it was SO HOT, made it work much better this time. (The AC came back on when we were about an hour from our place and has been working fine ever since HALLELUJAH.)

Jon had contacted our new ward to try and round up some helpers for when we arrived. Thankfully three men showed up (another came later) and we are so so so so grateful for their help. But. My couches - my beautiful beautiful leather couches that I pined for on Statia and absolutely insisted on bringing with us to Arizona when Jon wanted to sell them, got a couple of injuries; the result of a very narrow stairwell with a sharp corner and rough adobe walls. We shrinkwrapped them but clearly not enough. The scuffs really aren't that noticeable and the worst of them is in the back, but I would be lying by omission if I didn't say that I think I literally had a panic attack as we unwrapped them and surveyed the damage. Which is ridiculous because they're just COUCHES, but they're the most beautiful (and the only valuable) things we own, and we don't own much.

More now than before, though, thanks to a trip to IKEA! And a mattress store. And two trips each to Costco and Walmart. We're still getting furniture assembled and everything settled, but pictures soon!

I know what you're thinking

2011-09-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

You're wondering why I'm posting pictures of fetuses when we're supposed to be in Phoenix. Well I have good news on that front! Our moving truck is broken down in Montana and this morning our Jeep wouldn't start!

Obviously I'm glad it died in my mom's driveway and not somewhere outside of Beaver, Utah. Still, it would be nice if there were some sort of horrific accident today along 1-15 to show that this was divine intervention, and not just Murphy's law having a laugh. Is that too much to ask?

To lighten the mood, here is an old picture of my family looking sullen in rainy, mucky Talkeetna, Alaska:

We took it in front of that sign for irony's sake. It was soooooooooo funny, but I guess you had to be there.

Worst Ad Ever

2011-09-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

Fetuses in the palm of someone's (God's?) hand. And don't get me started on that flagrant abuse of an apostrophe. Don't even get me started.

Photo Op

2011-09-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

Like I said here and here, and I should have said here, I am not a photographer by any stretch of the imagination, nor did my husband ever buy me a D-SLR which so many people seem to think automatically qualifies them to charge their friends money for photos. HOWEVER; I do love to take pictures, and my point-and-shoot is capable of taking in-focus photos, and I have Photoshop. So. Sometimes I'm given the chance to take pictures, and I do not charge money for them because having A) an interest, B) a camera that is capable of taking in-focus pictures, and C) Photoshop, does not make anyone a professional. Regardless of how many damask backdrops are hanging in their basement.

That being said! My sister-in-law Kelsey asked me to snap some pictures of her family, and I happily obliged.

Scarlett was done there at the end, hence the sippy cup. Better than a screaming baby, right? Too bad that was the best photo of the day.

Things I learned from photographing two kids at once:

1) Bring Jon to entertain them. He's an expert.

2) Go to your favorite location first. Kids have a surprisingly low tolerance for the fine art of photography.

3) Bribe with a treat other than gum. I thought we could promise Norah a stick after the photoshoot, but then she fell off a picnic table and started making demands through her tears.

4) Three year olds are no good at chewing gum discreetly.

(Still, things turned out much better than that time Corinne asked me to take pictures of THEIR family........)

The definition of awesome

2011-09-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Yes. Us employing our horses' tails as moustaches. I have no memory of this, but I really hope it had been my idea.

[left to right: Annie, Corinne, me]

Don't worry, I won't be posting every picture individually. Just the best ones.

THE SHADOW OF MY BANGS

2011-09-09T15:56:00.000-07:00

This photo just inspired the title of my memoirs.

(Long ago, I posted another picture from this same photoshoot, along with a frank description of 14-year-old me, here. Ten minutes ago, I scanned my last picture from the archives - my summer project, remember? - so get ready for flashback overload once we've made the move to Phoenix! You can't wait!!)

September 11

2011-09-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

I was in tenth grade and living in Gardnerville, Nevada. Being three hours different from New York, I first heard the news from Jared Whitaker on our daily commute to early-morning LDS seminary. It was one of the only times that we ever talked on that drive, the entire year. As soon as I climbed into his little pickup truck that morning, he told me that a plane had flown into one of the World Trade Center towers. I began to wonder aloud how a pilot could make a mistake of that magnitude, but Jared interrupted me to say that just a few minutes before he left to pick me up, another plane had hit the other tower. Instantly I understood that this was no accident. I didn't yet know the term 'terrorism' - it simply wasn't a concept that existed in my realm at that point - but I knew our nation was under attack.

When we arrived at the church fifteen minutes later, I immediately announced the news to my class. The only other person in the room who had heard was my friend Michelle, so we did the best we could to explain to panicking students what little we knew. THEN! --Wait til you HEAR!-- The teacher cut us off to say, VERBATIM, "That's interesting, but I have a class to teach" -- and away she went, completely ignoring one of the biggest tragedies in American history.

[I have to interject here. That woman was awful, there's no other way to say it. She consistently preached false (and usually extremely hurtful) doctrine, the most horrendous example being that time she taught us that mental illness only affects bad people the same week that one of our classmates returned to seminary after a failed suicide attempt. I am not a confrontational person, and I quail under authority, but I know injustice, and she and I had it out a few times during class. A couple of years later I remarked to Christa, "That woman was the reason why I quit seminary", and Christa replied, "And you're the reason why she quit the CHURCH." Then we laughed and laughed.]

When I finally arrived at school, I learned that during the Dark Ages Seminary Class a plane had hit the Pentagon and that 20 minutes later the South Tower of the World Trade Center had collapsed. My dad worked in the Pentagon previous to our move to Nevada, and I thought of that one time he showed me around the building on Bring-Your-Kid-To-Work Day. Later, when I went home from school, I learned that the plane had hit directly next to his old wing and some of his friends had died. (By the way, he was in Fort Polk, Louisana on September 11th and the base was put on lockdown. He was stuck there for over two days and when he finally was allowed to leave, it took him a week to get home in the resulting travel deadlock.)

We watched the news in every class period. I remember students having the option to go home, but I'm pretty sure I stayed for the entire day, which seems sort of odd now in retrospect. I wasn't watching when the second tower fell, either (now, in checking the timeline of events, I realize it collapsed just minutes before my first class of the day began), but the footage was played on repeat throughout the hours, days, and weeks to follow. Someone on the news brought up Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda, but I'd never heard of either. One classmate speculated on the date, wondering if they chose 9-11, our national code for emergency, on purpose. Another remarked that our grandchildren were going to be required to ask us, "Where were you?" for school projects, just like we had interviewed our grandparents about Pearl Harbor.

I have no distinct memory of following the plight of United 93, but later when it was confirmed that the passengers had crashed the plane on purpose to foil another attack I felt an overwhelming mixture of pride and sadness, and wondered if I would have been brave enough to do the same thing.

And that's it. Funny, I typically have a powerful memory, but I have unusually few remembrances from this date. Maybe because there was a certain numbness, or maybe because I simply didn't understand the scope of the thing at the time, or maybe both.

Your turn. Where were you?

(and if you blog your memories, post the link in the comments. If you want. No pressure.)

Remnants

2011-09-06T14:56:00.001-07:00

The remainder of the pictures from our trip to Canada:

One of my favorite views of the drive up. Little lonesome tree.

Plateau near Great Falls, MT

This is a thing.

Prince of Wales Hotel in Waterton National Park

I have NEVER seen the lake so calm. Last time I was there, it looked like the ocean.

Jon skipping rocks.

Us at Cameron Lake. Technically that mountain in the background is in Montana.

Jon looking for fish.

Bear!!!! It was like a mile away, hence the graininess of this photo. Had to use my digital zoom.

Love this photo Jon snapped on our way out of the park.

Odd that I didn't take more pictures of the rest of our visit to Canada, but there you have it.

In conclusion, BEWARE the plastic utensils at the Big Scoop ice cream shop in Waterton!! The sides and bottoms of the "clean spoon" containers were completely coated in layers of gummy ice cream remnants - the result of thousands of misplaced, used taster spoons. Instant convulsions. AND THEN when I told the girl at the cash register, emphasizing the "hundred years' worth of ice cream residue" on the insides of the containers, she clearly didn't get it. Just sort of laughed about how people sometimes put used spoons in there, and didn't seem to think it was gross at all. Gag gag gaggy gag gag.

PS - LOVE the new Blogger interface! Especially the options for uploading and resizing photos (hint: just click on the picture in the editor and it gives you lots of options).

PSS - We're moving in a week!

kthxbai

Oh yeah, I'm in Canada

2011-08-31T15:07:00.006-07:00

Yesterday, Jon, his mom, and I went to 'Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump' which is exactly what it sounds like. In the event that you are a visual learner, here are some illustrations to further the point:

The Native Americans had a perfect system for running entire herds of buffalo off of cliffs. Utilizing animal coats, they capitalized on the bison's protective instincts to stay between a lone calf and wolves. This allowed the Natives to lead the calm herd to pre-constructed 'drive-lanes' leading to the cliffs. The stampede was spurred by the sudden appearance of the entire tribe, previously hidden by leather hides. A few moments of panic followed by sudden death (most died instantly; the rest were quickly killed by the hunters)... I decided Temple Grandin would approve of the method.

I bought this shirt at the gift shop on our way out. Just kidding! I didn't! But I could have.

...so I smiled the whole time.

2011-08-31T15:05:00.002-07:00

(click to enlarge)

It's official!

2011-08-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

We're moving! To Phoenix! On September 15th! To a really nice apartment complex that I'm really excited about. I'd tell you the name of it if I were convinced no psychos read my blog, but I'm not. You'll just have to be contented with pictures instead:

Our future Apartment Home has two bedrooms and is ONE THOUSAND ELEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY square feet, which is 250 more square feet than we had in Tucson and 450 more than we had at our first place in Rexburg. Plus, it has a LAUNDRY ROOM. Not a closet, mind you. A whole room. That you can walk into. With a real door. And a cabinet.

And that's not all. These buildings are less than ten years old, were rated fifty percentage points higher on ApartmentRatings.com than our old complex in Tucson, and will somehow cost LESS. And, so far, management has been extremely helpful and accommodating. I have no fear of this being like the last time we moved to Arizona from Idaho, when the apartment managers showed Jon's cousin a brand-new, beautifully upgraded model and stuck us in a 25-year-old dump, knowing full-well that we would be arriving to sign our paperwork with a moving truck packed with our stuff waiting in the parking lot. Luckily they changed management very shortly thereafter and all the scumbags involved were fired. I hope they're all homeless with scabies.

But, like I said, this new place (please, whenever I mention my new Apartment Home, imagine the building with rays of sunshine emanating from it) would never do that to us. Plus, all the units were built in the same year (one of my first questions) so that scenario is simply impossible. PLUS, did I mention the incredibly high percentage on ApartmentRatings.com??

So we're moving there, and I'll be working while Jon studies to retake his exam/takes his exam/starts his clinical rotations. He didn't pass the first go-around, which was disappointing of course, but we knew it was a possibility. It took the full 6 weeks to hear back, and it was just good to finally know so we could make other plans. My parents have been so generous to let us stay with them for the summer, but we've got to get out and do our own thing now (our choice, not theirs). I've been going a little crazy; feeling like I'm stagnating, not knowing our future, wanting to act like a grown-up again. Finally we just up and decided we'd go where our best bet is for Jon's future clinical rotations, and that was that, and the world is such a beautiful place.

Anyway, as if you needed any more validation that this is a great decision for us (aside from that which you'll receive from your own personal prayers, of course), I present to you two lists:

Things That Are Within Fifteen Minutes of Our New Apartment Home:

EIGHT Indian restaurants

SEVEN Sushi restaurants

FIVE Thai restaurants

A mall

A Target

A Costco

A Petco AND Petsmart

An IMAX theater

A 24-Hour Fitness

A really nice dog park (so says Yelp)

Things That Are Within Thirty Minutes of Our New Apartment Home:

A Whole Foods

My aunt and uncle's house

And if you think these lists make me crazy, just remember that THIS is where I used to live:

And THIS is where I'm headed:

So you'd better believe I've been studying Google Maps with joy ever since we first applied for this apartment.

And that's our news. Also, remember when we flew to Tucson and drove the Jeep up to Idaho? In hindsight, we should have left it where it was :\

kthxbai

PS - Oh YEAH! How could I forget?? I already have a job lined up! I found it on Craigslist and all I have to do is send them my bank account information and my social security number and it's a done deal!

I knew no one would believe me, so I took a picture

2011-08-29T20:12:00.004-07:00

I once heard of an OBGYN named 'Dr. Peepers', but this one wins.

Fun with Screen Capture, Episode III

2011-08-27T13:26:00.004-07:00

Time for another round!

I stole these first two pictures from a friend's private blog post about the local fair in their small town (I, obviously, asked her before posting them here):

THE BEST IDEA FOR AN OBSTACLE COURSE, EVER. Untying ribbons from goats' tails!!!!!!!!!!!11

And I almost died laughing at this picture of her son mutton busting:

That's Jon. Courtesy of Photofunia.com

That's me. Jon says it looks like Jeff Goldblum.

Stolen from my sister-in-law Lianna's Facebook page. Hope you don't mind, Lianna, I had to share it. She snapped this picture of a public advisory on Statia, and her caption read "STOP VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN!! and men. Oh, also children. I guess."

Lastly, a couple of days ago Cesar Millan (The Dog Whisperer) asked his Twitter followers, "What has your dog done to cheer you up?" Here's a snapshot of some of their answers...

.....and here's MY answer.

He didn't Retweet it, but he didn't unfollow me, either. So.

the hummingbird whisperer

2011-08-21T19:04:00.004-07:00

First, a too-long movie to give you an idea of how many there were, and what jerks they are:

Second, my camera's best efforts at taking still pictures:

Third, Jon communing with nature:

Fourth, this happened:

My sister Annie is so jealous right now.

Whaves of Wheat

2011-08-21T15:12:00.007-07:00

We recently spent two nights on a beautiful grain farm somewhere west of Malad, Idaho. Jon's sister's father-in-law owns the operation, so she and her husband Jake spend their summers out there helping with planting and harvest and all those other wheatfarmy things.

This wasn't our first time visiting, but it had been years and we were definitely overdue. Gorgeous, gorgeous country.

Jon and our niece Norah on the most expansive and well-manicured lawn you'll ever see.

This is about half of it (that's our tent in the far left-hand corner).

The portion with the raspberry bushes YES RASPBERRY BUSHES, and they were in season when we were there. Kelsey made us fresh raspberry cream pie and the sounds I produced while consuming it were borderline obscene.

Jon and I off-roaded all over the countryside one afternoon. (See the dust devil?)

Choke cherries

The hill that almost ended our marriage. Jon thought the Ranger could make it up, and I knew otherwise. I was right. At one point, I thought we were surely going to die. I got it all on a video that will never be posted on account of me sounding really, really annoying when I'm scared.

Scanning for wildlife (there was none, unless a million dive-bombing grasshoppers count)

Second-favorite shot of the day

First-favorite shot of the day

OWL!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS PICTURE???

The 100+ year old farmhouse.

If you look closely, you can see a hummingbird feeder. As if the trip could have been any better, HUMMINGBIRDS. Tons of them. You can imagine how many pictures and videos I took as a result. They, obviously, deserve a separate post; stay tuned.

A play in one act

2011-08-16T21:38:00.007-07:00

Me: Where have I heard this song?

[fifteen seconds later]

No, seriously. This song is SO familiar to me. Was it in a movie we watched recently?

[thinking intently]

Wait. People were dancing...everyone was dancing...where was it? It was like [marking a couple of dance steps]... I was dancing, like this [same couple of dance steps] ...Where WAS that???

Corinne: Was it at Zumba?

Me: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .........Oh, right. Duh.

------scene-------

No, I'm not pregnant.

2011-08-15T19:40:00.005-07:00

I spent the greater part of Sunday morning trying not to vomit, and I wasn't always successful. When sweet, sweet, darling Jon came to check on me for the umpteenth time after I'd committed myself to the back wing of the house, I sadly divulged, "I threw up, and then I cried".

That should come as no shock to anyone who knows me or has read this post. Though I'll admit that if I had to choose one place to be violently ill, it would be my mom's house. I honestly laid there in her beautiful bedroom feeling like I was dying and thinking about how grateful I was that this wasn't happening back on the island. I consider it one of my greatest blessings that I never threw up in that revolting Statian bathroom.

The sickness only lasted about three hours, during which time Jon single-handedly prepared the house for my parents' homecoming. The plan was that I would help him, but then I threw up, so. He was also nice enough to clean toilets for me so I would have my choice of vomitorium. I got the best husband, sorry everyone else. [TANGENT: I was reading the blog of an acquaintance (one I suddenly hope doesn't read mine) a while back. She was bragging about how her husband was the BEST EVAR because he made dinner, did a load of laundry, AND played with the baby ALL IN ONE WEEKEND!!!!!! Isn't it funny what people reveal about themselves, and their husbands, without even realizing it? I had a visiting teacher who once began her message with, "I love saying prayers with my spouse. It's that one time of day that we're equals..." My eyebrows met my hairline.]

CONCLUSION: In checking my spelling on "vomitorium" I learned that the word actually has nothing to do with vomiting, other than an untruth about ancient Romans binging and purging. Nothing worse than realizing you've been a perpetuator of lies!!! Which isn't to say I'll stop using the word in that context. History/architecture lesson: "Vomitorium" really means a series of exits out of Forums and Colosseums and other such buildings where far more wicked, barbaric savagery was happening than binge-and-purge. They might have reveled in watching humans being eaten alive by wild animals, but they did NOT throw up their food on purpose. That's disgusting.

PS - My apologies for this entire post.

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's unhealthy

2011-08-12T14:01:00.006-07:00

It's quiet around here all of a sudden. Corinne, Kyle, and Ada are back in New York, Annie had to go back to Heber, and my parents are on a road trip. Jon and I agreed to water the garden and watch the animals while they're away, and it's been nice to have a few days to ourselves.

The only downside of the entire situation is that a couple of days before their trip, my mom's poor horse Quincy came down with something grotesque, and by that I mean his skin is shriveling up and peeling off in shards. There's only one explanation, and I don't want to alarm anyone, but he is almost certainly turning into a thestral.

The moment my mom made the grisly discovery coincided exactly with Corinne watching a news story about a boy who got flesh eating bacteria in his face. She was mulling it over in horror when my mom walked in and announced that Quincy's skin was falling off.

The shiny stuff you see is ointment, applied to the raw spots by yours truly. And I don't want to hear anything about the drippiness of it all, because I did the best I could with nearly-solid ointment (that later melted in the sun) and him dancing all over the place. Poor little lamb.

So I've been keeping an eye on him, though I'm the least qualified person to do it. Anything medical makes me want to die. He cut his nose really deep about ten years ago and my mom asked me to hold a diaper to it while she ran and called the vet. I remember catching a glimpse of the gash, and I remember blood splashing onto the cement, and it was all over. I ditched the diaper at his feet and my mom found me two minutes later all slumped over on the floor. Can you blame me?? A HORSE I LOVED was BLEEDING into a DIAPER!

At least my mettle is improving. I haven't come anywhere near blacking out today, even when the vet was curiously peeling the hide off, and despite the squelching sounds I overheard when she put her entire forearm up a very tender place for no short amount of time.

Poor, poor little lamb. :( So! What's for dinner??

For your Wednesday

2011-08-10T12:00:00.007-07:00

Yesterday was my mom's birthday!! I am not a good daughter, because I'm only just now blogging about it. Additionally, the pie we got her wasn't even my idea (but don't I get points for at least knowing her favorite kind? Razzleberry, and don't you ever forget it). Happy birthday, mom! You're the best, even though you once called me Jerry.

Jon and I killed two birds with one stone with that pie. We've been craving a berry pie ever since we were in Heber a couple of weeks ago and The Hub, a local diner, was advertising one made with FRESH strawberries. The whole group of us - me, Jon, Corinne, Annie, and Annie's husband Steve - talked about getting that pie for two days. On the second night it was decided we couldn't go another second without it. Pajama-clad Corinne had a sudden epiphany and declared (to me), "Hey, look. You have clothes on, and I can drive. That's everything we need to go get some pie". I immediately shared that line on Twitter and it was a major success, tying with that other tweet I did that two people favorited.

Steve was ultimately elected to make this highly anticipated pie thing happen on our last night in Heber. Six minutes after he walked out the door, the following exchange took place on my phone:

So the fresh strawberry pie thing didn't happen that night, which is not to say we didn't pile into the car (Corinne still in her pajamas) to go pick a different kind. It was not as easy as it sounds - a long process involving the credit machine seizing up because of a waitress on a ten-minute-long personal phone call ("I miss you, too! ...No, I'm just at work...") while six people waited in line to pay for their meals. The pie wasn't even that good, anyway. Boooooo, The Hub restaurant in Heber Utah, BOOOOOOO!!

Other noteworthy things that have happened in the past couple of weeks:

I chewed out a lifeguard at the new Rexburg swim center. I'm not a confrontational person, especially in public, but she deserved it. Two little kids were stuck inside a tube, sinking into the water and too scared to let go of the handles and swim underneath to free themselves. They passed right by TWO lifeguards, one of which was on duty and the other of which walked right past, staring, before their mom heard their screams and jumped in to save them. When I informed the 12-year-old lifeguard of what had just happened five feet from her post, she responded, "Oooohh...I-I'm sorry......I just got here....."

At Relief Society on Sunday a girl no older than 20 introduced herself and said she was staying at the So-and-So's for a few weeks. The RS president replied, "Aren't they just wonderful? They are so hospitable, it seems like they've always got someone staying with them. They're like a halfway house..." and YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN the backpedaling when she realized she'd just publicly accused this visitor of drug addiction. And that is how people are offended at church.

Annie's old childhood best friend's mom was arrested for battery. That's all we know, because that's all that was published in the police section of the local paper and I couldn't find anything else by way of Google search, though not for lack of trying. Jon received this news with no small measure of glee, because he had a bad golf experience with the lady's husband a couple of years ago. The guy had designated himself the keeper of the scorecard and promptly added strokes to Jon's total after each round. "Four? No, I'm pretty sure you got five." The hope is that his wife gave him the beating that Jon had daydreamed about that entire day on the course.

kthxbai

Typical photo dump

2011-08-05T09:07:00.010-07:00

First is a photo of my sister Annie and I eating frozen yogurt after watching Harry Potter for the second time. It's a really cute picture, taken because the bowls the yogurt came in were Hello Kitty themed and so freaking adorable.

[insert photo here]

Unfortunately, I was not allowed to post the picture, because Annie thought her arm placement made her head look small (?).

Penny, looking more than a little wall-eyed.

Foal! Annie's a horse trainer (dressage, specifically) and the barn she works at in Heber, UT just had this new arrival.

Being a frisky little foal.

Jumping on mom (sorry for the blur. The iPhone camera can only do so much).

We were there for a show. Annie rode twice that weekend and achieved an award she's been working toward for her entire career. YAY, MANNY! (that picture is not her, btw)

On the way back to Idaho.

Ada getting a taste of the country life.... 4 wheeling with PopPop and Gunner.

We went to the Rexburg Dance Festival parade and the entire thing got rained out. A crazy squall whipped up and partway through performers were running down the street for shelter from the lightning. We didn't even get so much as a run-by polka. So lame. Everyone knows the first rule of polka is to NEVER break character. (Also, you'd be amazed at how fast a sluggardly crowd can disperse when faced with a microburst. Those scooters for the morbidly obese can really fly.) Anyway, the picture above was before the storm had completely moved in. There was a smattering of raindrops and gusty winds. The performer was guarding her violin from the moisture when this man ran out from the crowd to hold an umbrella over her head. Sweetest thing ever.

Jon and I found shelter under a narrow ledge and got really friendly with the other people who had the same idea.

Then yesterday we went to Yellowstone!

Throwing a fit.

Buffalo. There were lots more, and closer to the road, but I only ended up with videos of those ones. I also took a video of the stupidest people on earth standing outside of their car with their 8 year old daughter 5 yards from one, but I don't feel like it's worth posting because no one got gored. At the beginning of the video I say, "These people are about to die" and at the end my mom yells at the lady, "He could kill you! Get in your car!" but the buffalo just saunters past and goes on his merry way. Borrring.

Lake Yellowstone Hotel, where my parents first met 36 summers ago.

The registration desk where it all began. My mom was a hotel clerk and my dad was a guest. No one is more disappointed in this blurry photo than me.

Lake Yellowstone

Tree, Ada (on a leash!!!)

Old Faithful

Ada in a coonskin cap

This little one is two TODAY. She doesn't really say anything super useful yet like "yes" or "no" or "food", but she can say "taxi" and " 'stache", so.

If this doesn't make you smile, you are a corpse.

2011-08-04T20:02:00.002-07:00

Also, today we went to Yellowstone...pictures to come.

Just call me Evelyn Couch

2011-07-30T14:43:00.007-07:00

First of all, my last post was my 400th, and I didn't even know it until now. So much for being sentimental.

Second of all, Myheritage.com celebrity look-alike generator.

Pretty asian girl. I'll take it.

Asian guy. Could be worse.

Kathy Bates.

AND I CAN TOTALLY SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!! (Still, it's better than when Corinne got Roald Dahl.)

kthxbai

Another one

2011-07-25T18:41:00.003-07:00

[Scene: Annie's living room, playing Catch Phrase]

Jon: A famous author! He wrote.....Moby Dick?

Me: Herman Melville!!!!!

Jon: [three seconds of silence] ...Um, he wrote a different book....

The answer was Victor Hugo, btw.

St. Jon

2011-07-25T16:47:00.003-07:00

Me: Look at the name of that company! "Forsgren Electric"!
Jon: I once knew a girl named Natalie Forsgren.
Me: Forsgren! Did you call her Natalie Foreskin??
Jon: No.
Me: Why not??
Jon: Because I was nice.

Corinne's response to this conversation: "He's a saint."

Shout Hooray

2011-07-24T15:13:00.007-07:00

Today is my niece Pearl's 3rd birthday! I've already posted her card to Twitter and Facebook in addition to emailing it to her mom, but I can't see why that should stop me from displaying it on my blog as well.

It took me a good 45 minutes to make, though the first half-hour was dedicated to scouring the internet for THE single best unicorn picture available. It was soon apparent that it would have to be a collage. Related: I don't recommend Googling images of unicorns, innocuous as it may seem, with a child on your lap. (Then again, I don't recommend Googling images of ANYTHING with a child nearby.) Or at least don't go as far down the rabbit hole as I did. Something about a human with a horn growing out of his forehead, and shriveled-up horse fetuses, and nightmare-inducing narwhals, and the like.

Enabler

2011-07-24T13:03:00.002-07:00

"He likes to look out the window, but he doesn't like to hold his own head up....so...."

Photo Miscellany

2011-07-23T15:33:00.007-07:00

I've been neglecting the pictures on my iPhone. I blame the HORRIBLE photo organization on Mac computers (and don't suggest that I use iPhoto because I hate that for separate reasons).

Ugh, first world problems, sorry. These pictures span the past couple of months.

At the gem show in Salt Lake with my mom. She was in heaven.

That same weekend, we went to Music and the Spoken Word at the old tabernacle building on Temple Square. I hadn't been since I was a kid.

My aunt Becky and me.

Christa!! It really has been a miracle that we've seen each other so often these past few months. We've gone years, in the past. Sad but true. This was after dinner at Blue Iguana, downtown Salt Lake. GO THERE. (It's the same as Red Iguana, just their second location, if that means anything to you.)

Nest in my parents' yard.

Craaaaaazy hail storm on our way back to Idaho from Alberta. We had to pull over TWICE. Some were as big as marbles. This picture does it no justice. Too bad.

Putting stuff on your dog is addictive. For your sake, I've eliminated several others including Jon's shorts on Penny, Penny-wrapped-in-yet-more-towels, etc etc. You get the idea.

Ada at tumbling class.

Peacock at the zoo in Idaho Falls.

Ada brushing a goat.

Baby zebra nursing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 Reminds me of this old post of mine.

Good dog

2011-07-20T16:35:00.002-07:00

It doesn't go so well when she tries to sit on Penny.

As promised...

2011-07-18T20:04:00.008-07:00

...pictures.

Watering plants, right after picking strawberries from the garden (missed THAT photo op).

My other niece Norah (Jon's sister's daughter) came for a couple of hours. Here the girls are headed to the barn with Jon.

Hi, Jill.

Watching Quincy

Awesome.

Nothing slows this kid down.

Norah, a little uncertain about the carousel. She eventually came around to the idea and decided to ride it again, on the bench.

Drying out after getting a little too wet at the splash park.

Ada sliding.

Ada sliding headfirst.

In conclusion, I submit to you four times in the past week that I wish I'd had a video camera rolling:

1) When Ada made her little stuffed puppy "pet" Penny with its hand.

2) When Ada was watching Yo Gabba Gabba clips on my parents' slow internet and intermittently screaming when the video paused to buffer.

3) When Ada accidentally turned on the Roomba and thought it was chasing her. Again with the screaming.

4) When Norah kept calling my mom's horses "cows".

A 2 year old in Sacrament meeting

2011-07-17T19:02:00.002-07:00

Sometimes it takes two people, and magic tickling fingers, to subdue a bench-kicking toddler. And I don't want to hear anything about taking pictures during Sacrament meeting. The moment called for it.

Related: My sister Corinne and her daughter Ada are here for a month! Plan on photo overload as a result.

Hello again, Idaho

2011-07-15T13:04:00.007-07:00

The Mazda made the trip back like a champion after the guys at Canadian Tire wrapped a couple of zip ties around her air intake sensor. That was the issue all along and I don't want to talk about how we replaced the fuel pump even though it was completely unrelated to the actual problem.

Pictures! Here's the remainder of our trip to the Great White North.

Jon and Norah looking for gophers in Waterton National Park.

I want five for pets.

Cameron Falls

Stole Jon's hoodie for a while. It was freezing.

At Red Rock. Returned Jon's hoodie, stole my mother-in-law's coat.

Blackiston Falls

Terrifying thunderhead above Lethbridge, Alberta. The cloud was rotating and we followed it a ways in the Mazda, certain it would start spouting tornadoes. It didn't. But it the weather was inclement for days, and a couple of nights later there was the most fantastic electrical storm I've ever seen.

At the driving range. Jon consistently drives over 300 yards. I am able to consistently make contact with the ball, sometimes.

We were lucky enough to be in town for Jon's cousin Mike's wedding. This was taken after the family dinner in Cardston. It's blurry because it was A) taken with a phone, and B) an accidental movie.

kthxbai

Fun with Screen Capture, Episode II

2011-07-10T19:50:00.003-07:00

My desktop is again polluted with funny things I've collected around the internet, so here's another dumping ground for it all.

The name and photo on this Facebook profile belong to my friend on Statia, Rebecca Cooper. This, however, is not the real Rebecca Cooper's Facebook profile. Some lady stole both her name AND picture and is pretending to be her online (I clicked through her other pictures and the fake-Rebecca is revoltingly grotesque, which might explain the stealing of the photo). Anyway, that is all of no consequence with regard to this post. The point is, check out the fake-Rebecca's religious views:

"Babtist". Ugly AND stupid. I might borrow an identity, too, if I were her.

Next! I tried to Skype with Lianna and Pearl the other day, but there was a horrible connection (be sure to click on that link to remind yourself that Lianna is NOT a noseless monster in real life):

One of my Facebook friends had a baby on Mother's Day, and someone I don't know wrote this on the announcement:

(It's been on my desktop ever since, entitled "Who are you calling disabled??")

Skype chat from my sister:

Reminiscing about an ill-conceived church service project circa 2002:

And finally, you'd better BELIEVE that come November 25th, this will be my Facebook profile picture:

Frank Slide

2011-07-10T09:17:00.002-07:00

Two days ago we took a drive up the Crowsnest Pass to Frank Slide, which was one of the most incredible things I've ever seen.

"There was no warning. People awoke in the small hours of the morning to huge stones crashing through their houses. Many groped their way to safety in a suffocating fog of grey dust. One hundred seconds was all it took; in that time, the East face fell off Turtle Mountain, 90 million tons of rock slid down burying horses, mines, railways and the Crowsnest River. Seventy people died that 29 April 1903. It was the worst natural disaster to overtake Alberta. Stories are still told of the man who fought through the slide to flag down an oncoming train, or of the baby found, unharmed, perched on a boulder.

…Here we commemorate the awesome power of nature, and man's heroism in the face of it."

I felt an eerie reverence as we viewed the destruction and read survivors' narrations of the event. Interestingly, the account of the baby girl found on a boulder unharmed is a myth, as is the story that she was the lone survivor of the slide. It skirted the edge of town, sparing hundreds of lives.

My favorite story was the one of a man named Sid Choquette who immediately scrambled over two miles of boulders and debris to successfully flag down an approaching passenger train. Since the slide happened in pitch darkness on the night of the new moon, he had no idea what had even caused the destruction, or how far it stretched. In fact, it took DAYS to determine that the event had been a massive slide and not a volcanic eruption.

There's another account of three girls who were found alive in the top story of their home, which had been carried along by the moving debris below. Their parents and four brothers, sleeping on the bottom level, did not survive. The mass of limestone, mud, and trees is said to have moved like a dense liquid, and crashing boulders caused lightning-like flashes. Now, over a hundred years later, the mud and trees have disappeared and all that's left is a vast field of rock, including some boulders the size of boxcars.

I had chills for the majority of the time we were there, but especially when I read that the ancient Blackfoot and Kutenai tribes never camped near what they called "the mountain that moves". There are still fractures and fault lines in the strata of the remaining mountain and geologists say it's only a matter of time before there's another slide.

I know these pictures do it no justice. Here's an aerial photo (not mine) to give a little more perspective, but you should probably just go see it for yourself:

(source)

That is like, so sad

2011-07-08T22:32:00.004-07:00

We certainly replaced the fuel pump, and it was almost immediately apparent after we picked her up that that had NOT been the problem.

You should have seen the lurching :(

Two+ weeks in Jon's Home and Native Land

2011-07-07T15:38:00.007-07:00

Last week, Jon and I drove to Alberta, Canada for the July 1st holiday festivities. Incidentally, the Mazda's fuel pump died, so we're stuck here indefinitely. We can't really blame her - she turned 380,000 kilometers on the trip up and has never given us a problem. Before we knew what was wrong with her, Jon spent two days crying and stroking her dashboard, fearing the worst. Currently she's in the shop waiting for parts to be ordered, and a diagnostic test showed that these repairs should give her at least another 80 years on the road.

Anyway, in the meantime, here's what we've been up to.

Pretty little church somewhere between Cardwell and Boulder, Montana.

July 1st parade in Raymond. Nothing inspires Canadian pride like elderly mounties!

Sister-in-law Kenzie and me at the parade. At least four of Jon's extended family members approached us at the parade wondering why we haven't moved to Alaska yet. Somehow mentioning on my blog the possibility of a week-long trip to Alaska to visit my brother and his wife was turned into us MOVING there permanently. (PS - the Alaska trip has been postponed. My brother was deployed to Korea, so. We'll see if we can swing a trip when he gets back in August, but it all depends on Jon's test results.)

Kenzie's son, Nolan, running through the sprinkler

Picnic and stroll at Henderson Lake - Jon and Norah

DUCKLINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111

Just chillin.

Then there was a road trip yesterday out to one of the most astonishing places I've ever seen - not included here because it deserves its own post. Stay tuned.

Why I Love the Unlimited Supply of Amateur Maternity Photography Blogs:

2011-07-05T14:26:00.006-07:00

That's all.

#marriage

2011-06-29T20:52:00.002-07:00

Me: Gahhh!! Why didn't you tell me [pointing] THAT was on my face???

Jon: I didn't see it. [investigating] EW!!! What IS it??

Me: I don't know. An insect leg, I think.

Jon: Woof.

An introduction

2011-06-28T15:46:00.002-07:00

My mom: Jessie, this is [some lady]. [Some lady], this is my daughter, Jessie. She's a Jensen, too.

Lady: Nice to meet you! Ian, or Owen?

Me: ................................................... uhhhh..............................

My mom: [staring at me like I'm crazy]

Christa: [staring at me like I'm crazy]

Me: [more open-mouthed silence, thinking to myself, "Neither...my husband's name is Jon"]

My mom, answering for me: Ian.

It took me another five seconds to realize the lady had actually asked "e-n, or o-n?" As in letters. As in how my last name is spelled.

I would like a do-over. Next time will be better, I promise.

Three things:

2011-06-26T22:02:00.007-07:00

(Two of them have to do with recent incidents in fitting rooms, and one doesn't.)

FIRST: This one I mentioned on Twitter, but not everyone is in the loop of my Twitter (though I can't imagine why) and it's worth repeating. I was trying on clothes at the Forever 21 in Provo two weeks ago, and was only allowed 6 items in the dressing room. The attendant hung the rest on the other side of my door and said I could switch out for new items as I went along. Well a few minutes later I went out for a pair of capris, but they had vanished. Cause for concern, considering they were the only ones in the entire store. When I asked the fitting room girl if she knew where they went, she told me that another girl had asked to try them on and she GAVE THEM TO HER. I managed to keep the snark 60% contained when I told her to retrieve them. And then! The other customer had a bad attitude toward ME over the whole thing!!! She kept asking loudly and irritatedly when she could have them back. Finally I told them both I was buying them, marched them out of the fitting room, and hung them back on the rack.

SECOND: I happened to be in Salt Lake this year for my aunt Mariann's 10th annual magic show neighborhood block party. It was surprisingly entertaining, made HILARIOUS by the whispered running commentary between my friend Christa and me. Anyway, the best part of the entire show was when the magician called up an adorable four year old boy to help out with a trick. It proved a tad too difficult for little Cody to follow right from the very start when he was asked to put his hands on his hips. Cody raised his hands hesitantly, fingers spread, thinking intensely, before placing them uncertainly on his shoulders.

THIRD: Jon was taking his sweet time in the fitting room at TJ Maxx today, and the attendant was putting her limited small talk skills to use on me. First she demanded, "What time is it??" so unexpectedly that I flinched. Then she asked if I was going anywhere for "summer break" and I explained our upcoming trip to my husband's hometown in Canada. She wondered if Canada has a king and a queen, to which I replied that they have a Prime Minister, but they do put the queen of England on their money. Then I hid in the shoe section until Jon emerged from the fitting rooms, confused as to why the attendant had expressed an interest in his upcoming visit to London and commended him for his lack of a British accent.

Friday Miscellany

2011-06-24T07:53:00.003-07:00

Summary: When I was in Utah last week I went rafting on the Provo River, and later there was a rainbow, and then yesterday Jon and I went shooting, and then I tried a new hairstyle and IT WORKED.

Rafting:

We "successfully negotiated" that bridge in the background, but another group wasn't so lucky. When we got there, a raft was wrapped around one of the pillars under the current and there were five sopping wet teens standing in the cold wind, shivering uncontrollably while their rafting guides fretted about the boat. Steve (Annie's husband, a certified river guide) was so mad. And the moral of the story is always raft the Provo River with Midway Adventure Company - no one else. Also, we gave the girls our dry sweaters to wear while we ate lunch and when mine was returned it smelled really weird. That's the last time I save a life!!!!

Rainbow:

Photo by Steve, edit by me

Shooting:

I forgot my tape!!! For my eye!! I can't wink my left eye so when I go shooting I always bring Scotch tape to do the job. The photo above is when I got the following brilliant idea:

Oh! Saddest thing EVER! I MURDERED A BIRD!! When I took a turn with Jon's 2-ton 12 gauge (that I can barely hold let alone aim and shoot), I hit the clay target and an innocent passer-by with one incomprehensible shot. I felt horrible.

Hairstyle:

From the side. Here's where I got the wherewithal. It's meant for weddings I suppose, but I thought it could be pretty for church, too. This was only my SECOND attempt - not perfect, but I was still amazed at how fast and easy it was. Looking at the directions I thought there was no way it would turn out how it said it would.

The front

The back. A couple of loose ends, but whatever. SECOND TRY.

Thoughts? Too fancy? Too Downton Abbey-ey? Naysayers are welcomed but will probably not stop this train. I've been searching for months for something different to do with my hair and this could be it.

kthxbai

And now we wait

2011-06-22T21:58:00.004-07:00

When I left for Utah last week, I certainly had no idea that Jon would be taking the most important exam of his entire life in my absence. A very long story short, he had planned to take his test around the 28th of June, but because some lazy lump decided not to post an envelope, his options for test dates were very limited. So when a day finally opened in Helena for Wednesday, as in yesterday, he pounced on it even though it was a week earlier than he'd planned on taking the exam. We won't know how he did for six weeks, and in the meantime he's doing his best to relax and block out all thoughts of herpes, tumors with teeth, and which pathogens cause 'ricewater stool'.

Though he couldn't resist sharing with me one of the most horrifying questions. I can just imagine his eyes bugging out of his head when he first read it there in the testing center. Something about an elderly woman who couldn't poo unless she placed two fingers in her hoo-ha. In the retelling, Jon screamed, "What the hell kind of question is THAT??? We weren't taught that!!! Geez!!!!!!"

aka 'Pannus'

2011-06-10T10:43:00.005-07:00

I recently realized that there has been a direct correlation between me owning an iPhone and the amount of pictures I take of Penny. So forgive me one moment while I become a crazy dog lady.

Giving Gunner a hug

Pre-haircut

Post-haircut

Typical face of adoration

Obviously, my favorite.

In conclusion, there is a perfectly good reason for her little nickname, and here it is:

(aaaaaand cue Jon singing "fupa, fupa, fupa dee-doo" to the tune of the Oompa Loompa song)

place foot in mouth

2011-06-08T10:30:00.002-07:00

I loved this Newsweek article on Elizabeth Smart, and not just because it is allowing me to share this exchange that happened between Jon and me when we were very newly dating:

Jon: So, Elizabeth Smart wasn't very smart, was she?? HAHAHAHAHA-

Me: [Shock, horror, disgust, outrage] She's my second cousin!!

Jon: ...Wow, what are the odds?

Amelioration

2011-06-06T15:23:00.000-07:00

The theme of my summer has been 'self-improvement', or at least I will say that for blogging purposes.

First, piano. My mom is an accomplished musician and has taught piano lessons for as long as I can remember. I never took advantage of her skills (something to do with not handling criticism well and being easily frustrated) so I taught myself instead, which is not recommended. I ended up like one of those kids who never quite learned how to read in elementary school. The ones who slipped through the cracks by fooling everyone into thinking they knew how. While I was playing upper-intermediate music, I had no idea what I was doing. My finger placement was all wrong, because I never paid any attention to where my fingers were actually supposed to go in order to play more efficiently. And I am a great memorizer and player-by-ear. These things combined were my downfall, because I couldn't play a piece unless I'd heard it before (sight reading was nearly out of the question), and once I'd played a piece a couple of times, I knew it by memory and therefore never became as familiar with the actual notes on the scale like I should have. I hit a wall. I couldn't advance. So in addition to scanning our family's archives, re-learning how to play the piano is my priority this summer. This time, my mom is teaching me.

Crafting. Okay, not really, that was misleading. But I AM doing A craft. I can't show you until it's all finished, but just know that I am very excited about it. When I bought my materials at Joann's fabric, the cashier girl asked me if I wanted to set up a rewards account. I told her that this is the only craft I'll ever do in my life. I am just not that sort of person. Pictures soon.

My skin. I am a mutant. I never had acne until a couple of years ago. Something finally had to be done. When I went in for my eye thing, I asked the PA to please, for the love of all that is good and holy, help me. He gave me a prescription-sized sample of some acne thing, incorrect verbal instructions for use, and sent me on my way. After three weeks with absolutely no results, I poked around online and realized his mistake. I then created a skin-care plan in my iPhone (lots of water, lots of moisturizer, etc etc). Now, a couple of weeks later, I'd love to say my skin is beautiful, but it's not. It didn't help that Jon made me discontinue use of my prescription when he saw the chemical burns it had caused around my jawline. Wtf, Epiduo. Wtf.

Driving. I hate driving, and I never drive by myself, but I wanted to spend a few days at Annie's before flying to Tucson out of Salt Lake so I decided it would build character to do the 5-hour drive (versus riding the shuttle). That was only the second time in my entire life I've ever driven that far on my own. It was not fun.

Hair. I never do ANYTHING with my hair other than wear it down and straightened. I've wanted to recreate this hairstyle and this hairstyle ever since I first laid eyes on them, but I am not talented enough to do it on my own hair (do not let that second one fool you. It is NOT a five minute hairstyle you can easily do to yourself). So I experimented on Annie, of course.

They turned out great (well, the one more than the other), but it only made me sad that I can't wear my own hair like that. At least not until I buy that hair slave I've been saving up for.

Riding a mountain bike. It was my first time, and so much fun despite my resulting poor aching bum. My brother-in-law Steve even lent me his own personal padded bike panties, and still. Pain. But it was a beautiful ride through the Provo canyon and I loved almost every second of it.

Bridal Veil Falls (is there a waterfall in North America NOT called Bridal Veil Falls?)

As you can see from the pictures, I've also lately been improving upon my time ever spent wearing neon. Which is to say, I've never previously worn neon, and now apparently I do. I bought that shirt off the clearance rack at Old Navy specifically with this bike ride in mind, but I have to fight the urge to wear it daily.

Taking photos in the auto mode of my point and shoot camera. What a skill! Annie and Steve wanted a few pictures on campus in honor of his BYU graduation, and I happily obliged.

We specifically chose this BYU sign because the slogan at the bottom, "Enter to learn, go forth to serve" was much better than the slogan on the OTHER sign, "The world is our campus". ("More like 'The campus is our world'" --Annie.)

My best friend Christa was there, too, which of course resulted in Annie and Steve being able to improve upon THEIR photo-taking-with-a-point-and-shoot-camera skills.

kthxbai