Texts out of Context

This month has been off to a roaring start, if by 'roaring' you’re talking about a roaring cough that startles and disturbs coworkers and clients alike. Other than that it’s been very low-key, hence the lack of posts (sorry). The best part of my entire week was yesterday when we received an Easter candy surprise in the mail from Kelsey, Jon’s sister. (Her daughter, Norah, wanted to include Valentines for each of us, including the dog. Her Valentine read, “Penny will bark because she will like this one” – we, of course, sent her a video of Penny barking in return.)

Anyway, it’s that time again to add to the Texts out of Context series! I hope you enjoy these at least half as much as I do.

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My chicken is partly soft.

Good, I hope they die soon.

Too bad you don’t still live in Tucson because then I could say what’s new in Tu? But now I’ll just have to ask what’s new in Phoenix?

I had a nightmare last night about an extremely seedy strawberry.

Dang. The ostrich festival?

I can’t believe you were able to read the Hunger Games with all the talk of vomit. Like 4 times per chapter. I think of you every time.

It’s almost your bedtime! Are you excited?

Have you ever watched Tosh.0? You’d like it. He said Jlo had a centaur body. I laughed forever.

So I think I want to get a greyhound.

There is too much for me to eat and I already had a sandwich.

Good, trying to record Penny having a barking/running dream.

That first text you sent said it was sent at 9:07 and it was only 9:03 when I got it! Was it from the future?

I don’t think I can bring dilly beans in my carry on bag :(

That’s it, babies all around. In or out of wedlock, I have a feeling it doesn’t even matter!

Is it sad that one of the reasons I like greyhounds is: their tail is so tightly clamped down all the time that you never have to see their butt hole. Also you never have to worry about them sitting tail out.

Jajajaja! Thanks for your cultural sensitivity!

Having fun with mom? Eating good food?

Are you eating some delicious things while she’s there I hope?

My mom and [sister] went to some dog wash and there was a free pet psychic who said Taffy was a princess, he likes all of his clothes they put on him, that his doggy door was too small and that he is our old dog Niquie reincarnated!!!! [My sister] sobbed for days. And they bought a bigger doggy door.

I don’t know. It could have been Costa Vida. I also accidentally ate a slightly moldy piece of bread for breakfast.

Next episode…hot wheelchair sexy time.

What’s Jon’s username? I want to play more people and am afraid of penis

I had two Hostess cupcakes for lunch

I want a good looking one. I felt shallow for saying that but it’s true!

Stupid calcium! Who says milk’s good for you?!

[Aaaand the best text I’ve received in the last six weeks]:

That reminds me of a girl I used to work with who had to teach the chastity lesson in Young Women’s and caught herself saying “so when you’re doing it” at least three times.