Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The best part is, a little bit of google research has taught me that lumberjacks don't even throw logs. Scottish people do. And not even Scottish lumberjacks. Just Scottish log-throwers.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I almost screamed when I saw it.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
In other news, I was on my way to work the other morning, turning left behind a landscaping truck. They must have taken the corner a little too quick because a lawnmower went flying off the side and rolled across the lane. It didn't hit anything or anything... I just thought it was funny. Lawnmowers flying through the air. Also, a guy at my work the other day asked if I was wearing a rosary. Apparently a rosary is a beaded necklace type of thing, so I could understand his confusion. Kind of. Last but not least, I have a new favorite snack THAT I CAN ACTUALLY MAKE. Thanks, Pioneer Woman, for yet another delicious and easy recipe. Check it out here.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
My brother-in-law Kyle is a celebrity! Kind of. His band Mere is being featured on the summer Olympic soundtrack. The craziest part is that my AUNT'S band was on the Salt Lake winter Olympics soundtrack (if the Mormon Tabernacle Choir could be considered a band. I don't see why not). I've got crazy Olympic connections. I'm practically famous. Anyway, check out their promotion at AT&T's Blue Room here.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Seems like a nice enough picture, until you look at Guy-in-Back. Holy crap! What an expression.
This image couldn't help but remind me of another one I've been hanging on to since my junior year of high school. Keep in mind that this picture was on the front page of the sports section in our local paper.
I immediately sought out scissors, and it's been in a pink hat box in my closet ever since, alongside of treasured photos, sketches, and notes. As an activity in Young Womens once, we were supposed to bring in a few things that describe us, what sorts of things we enjoy, etc. I thought it was a testament to my personality that I had kept this picture, so I included it in my presentation. Turns out, one of the Young Women was seriously offended. She approached me about it after church. ("Why would you make fun of her like that??? She's my friend"). First of all, it's a fact that the picture is hilariously hideous. Why try and make ME feel guilty about it?? I'M not the editor that okayed it to run in the paper, for crying out loud. Talk about shooting the messenger.
Eleven different people posted responses: Kristina, Corinne, Kelsey, Jake, Christa, Kellie, Brittany, Jon, Kenzie, Valry, and Annie. In order to be as fair as I possibly could, I made sure that all the names were written on little slips of paper that were EXACTLY the same size. I folded each paper twice after writing down the names, put them in a receptacle (although not a hat, as I previously stated), shook it four times, scooped my hand through it three times, then chose one.
Kellie!!!!! Despite the nasty things she said about me in her comment, she has won the Jessie’s Favorite Things Giveaway. Actually, she really deserves it. She’s just been through so much in her life –changing a baby’s diaper, having to weed the family garden, throwing up after eating sushi, and of course, breaking both wrists at the same time in a freak cheerleading accident. Kellie – email me your home address and then keep your eye on the mail for a care package full of love.
Thanks for playing!
PS - For fun, I decided to choose a second name, just to see who it would be. It was Corinne. Sorry, you don’t win anything, just be happy knowing you were next in line.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I'll buy it in about a year and watch it on sick days (fast forwarding through the stupid parts, of course. There were several). And that's all I have to say about it. You may shun me if you so please.
Also, I forgot to mention that I got a ticket on my way to work on Thursday. Apparently the registration was up on the Jeep, and we thought we had 30 days to get it renewed. But we didn't. So I got a ticket. It was only the second time I've been pulled over, and this time was a little more cut-and-dry than the last. That time, the cop began following me because my tail lights were out, and by the time he actually decided to pull me over he pinned me with speeding AND failing to use my blinker (BS!!! I never speed...it seriously must have been like, one or two over. And I think that maybe I didn't use my blinker as I pulled over for him on a residential street, the jerk). Then, when he asked for my license and registration, I didn't have EITHER!!! The registration Jon had hid in some random compartment that I didn't know about, so I went through his entire glove box full of the skank-nastiest old stuff ever looking for a piece of paper that I wouldn't have been able to identify had I found it. I kept handing things to the officer asking "is this it? ...is THIS it?" and he just stood there, watching as I smeared all the papers and stuff around on the passenger seat. I actually didn't even get a ticket though, I just had to go to the courthouse and prove that I did have a license, and that the Mazda had been registered on the day he pulled me over. A tangent, I know. The point I'm making here is that I've been pulled over twice now. Jon gets pulled over every other day. Exaggeration, but it's been at least 8 times since I've known him. For stupid, stupid stuff, too. Once he got pulled over somewhere between Malad, Idaho and Tremonton, Utah on the interstate for going three over. Yes, three over. On an interstate in the middle of nowhere. Cop Buddy was a total returned missionary, fresh off the plane and into a cop uniform. When Jon tells the story, he mouth-trumpets the tune to "Called To Serve" when he gets to the part where the guy comes marching over to our car. He was such a goober. Jon was caught so off-guard from being pulled over that when the cop asked if he knew how fast he was going, he responded, "Well I thought it was 75 along here. I had my cruise set at 78...maybe my speedometer is off or something..." and the guy interrupts with a weasly little laugh followed by, "well, if you know it's only 75, then (heh heh heh) why were you going 78??" and then launches into some stupid made-up story about all the accidents he's seen along that stretch of road and that "there's a big difference between 75 miles and hour and 78 miles and hour". Oh my. Spare us, please. He was definitely one of the top 5 lamest people I've ever been in contact with.
Anyway, I guess I'd better wrap this up and try to take care of some of the laundry that's taking over our hallway. Have a good night.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I stuck with blonde for the time being but got BANGS! I'm so glad I did it. I've been thinking about it for a long time, and finally decided that now would be a good time to try them. So I did. And I like them. ...And that's about it.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I watch your show every day. I'm your number one fan. You're a great host, you're smart, you always put 110% into foreign pronunciations, and you look great with a moustache.
Today, I can add another quality to that list - you are truly ruthless. I mean it. Completely cold-hearted. No mercy. Poor Daria...I mean, her answer was dumb...but did it really have to come to THIS??
Crank the volume and listen to the general outcry from the studio audience.
This made my day.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Have you ever watched a meteor shower? My mom and I woke up at three one morning, went and laid out on the back lawn in a pile of blankets, and watched a meteor shower that we had seen an article on in the newspaper the day before. Then, we went inside, had toast and hot chocolate, and went back to bed.
Have you ever held a lamb? A guy in our old Rexburg ward walked past a field of sheep every day on his mission in South America, and one day decided that he wanted a picture of him carrying a lamb across his shoulders. It gave him lice.
Have you ever gone rock climbing? Picture a combined Young Men/Young Women’s activity when I was a Mia Maid. Picture me, four feet off the ground, losing my grip, and rolling across the wall. That’s the extent of my rock climbing experience.
Have you ever given the eulogy at a hamster’s funeral? We never had a hamster die, although there was a gruesome attempt at a hamster-haircut at one point. Nothing a little ointment (three times a day for a month) couldn’t heal, though.
Have you ever rafted the Snake River: Why yes, as a matter of fact, I HAVE. And it was one of my favorite things I have ever done. Last summer The General orchestrated a trip starting somewhere near Jackson (by orchestrated, I mean he borrowed a raft, paddles, and life vests from a friend, and acted as our guide). Kyle, Jon, and I straddled one side of the raft, Corinne, Annie, and Steve straddled the other, and The General sat in the back and barked instructions at us. The entire point of the particular run that we ran (run that we ran. You’d think I could come up with better wording than THAT…) was “The Big Kahuna”, a huge hole in the middle of a narrow gorge. The water pours over an enormous boulder, causing a sudden drop. It’s the last and biggest obstacle on the run, and people crowd around on the cliff tops to get a good view of the action. In fact, about a year before we ran the Snake, we were on our way back from Jackson and pulled over to watch. We even took pictures there, completely unaware that in a few months, we’d be attempting it ourselves.
Most people, the ones that actually pay money for trips like this, are inside their rafts, but ours was too small, so there we were, perched precariously on the sides, approaching the Big Kahuna. (Well. Not all of us were on the sides. One of us, and I won’t name names, but it rhymes with Manny, was a little nervous, so she moved into the middle.) Because of the way this particular rapid is positioned, and since the water pours over top of it, it’s almost impossible to see exactly where it is until you’re right on top of it. So we aimed in the same direction as the guided tour in front of us, and started paddling. We got closer and closer, the General was hollering his head off, we went over a slight lump and…that was it. We had missed it completely. The nervous little being in the middle of the raft was beyond relieved for about three short seconds, until we decided we were trying it again, which meant paddling to the left, climbing out onto the rocks, and carrying the raft back to the top. By “we” I mean the guys. We nailed it on the second attempt. The raft bucked Steve into the water, and Annie scrambled to the side and started squealing for him. She was searching the water, waiting for him to resurface, when Corinne’s face popped up right in front of her (Corinne was sitting behind Annie, so Annie had no idea that Corinne had been thrown off the raft along with Steve. Surprise!)
Have you ever got flowers for no reason? I’ve only been sent flowers maybe five or six times in my entire life. One was when I got my wisdom teeth taken out. Another bouquet from my seminary teacher arrived the next day, so naturally I thought it was for the same reason. I came to find out a few weeks later that she’d had no idea I’d had any kind of surgery – she just thought I was becoming inactive and was trying to fellowship me. (This concern wasn’t completely unwarranted. Although I always attended church and weekly activities, it was no secret that I didn’t get along with early morning seminary). My parents got me flowers when I graduated high school, and Jon has given me flowers a couple of times (for no reason. So to answer the original question….yes. But not until recently.)
Have you ever had your picture in the newspaper? Yes, because I was a server at our ward’s Annual Fourth of July Breakfast when I was twelve. It turned out that that was the last year of this so-called “annual” breakfast. I still don’t know why they quit doing it. It was fun! Also, this just reminded me that I had a picture I drew published in ‘the Friend’. My mom must have sent it in, because one day Corinne and I were looking at the children’s art section and she was teasing my by pointing at all the ugliest three-year-old drawings and saying “it looks like you drew that!”. I was on the verge of tears when she pointed at one and said, “no...wait…look..that one really DOES look like something you’d draw!”. Offended, I was poised to lunge for the magazine and tear it to shreds when she looked at the corresponding name on the side column and realized it WAS mine.
Have you ever been elected to some sort of office? No, but not for lack of trying. I decided to run for “Historian” when I was in the 4th grade, so I adopted a catchy slogan (Be Sweet, Vote Sweet!) and wore a giant Hershey’s kiss costume in front of the entire school for my speech. It was so close between me and Brendan McGovern that we had to do a second round of campaigning and speeches. I didn’t wear the costume the second time, and I’m convinced that that’s why I lost. By TWO VOTES.
A little clarification in the contest. I’ll be drawing names out of a hat. This means you can feel free to post as many times as you like, or as long of a post as you feel necessary, but your name will only be entered once. If your child, who is not yet three months old, posts a comment about their diarrheal explosion in the middle of church, I’ll laugh because it’s funny, but cry foul.
There’s still an ungodly amount of time left in contest, so keep the stories coming! My blog is your oyster.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
My All-Time Favorite Gum: Orbit Bubblemint (It’s like bubblegum, but it’s minty too! Get it?)
My All-Time Favorite Saturday-Afternoon-in-the-Dead-of-Summer Snack: Jamba Juice (gift card)
My All-Time Favorite Lip Balm: Vasoline Lip Therapy (Hope I didn’t get your hopes up too high on that one.)
My All-Time Favorite Use of One Dollar: iTunes gift card (obviously for more than one dollar. But the songs are a dollar each. That’s the point I’m making here.)
My All-Time Favorite Book: A slightly used copy of Twilight (Okay, so maybe I’m just trying to pawn it onto someone else so it’s no longer on my bookshelf. I still feel conned every time I see it sitting there.)
Here’s how you become eligible to win this glorious prize. At the end of this post, there is a long list of “Have You Evers”. Your task is to skim through them until something jumps out at you. Could be something you’ve done, something you want to do, something that reminds you of a story – anything. Then, leave a comment that tells us about it in a little more detail. It’s a really long list, so there’s bound to be something on there that speaks to you.
See? It’s about you AND it’s about me. YOU elaborate on something off the list, and I randomly choose the recipient of the Jessie’s Favorite Things care package.
I’m going to leave the contest open for seven days, because there are certain people that read my blog that don’t have consistent internet access. This time next Wednesday, I’ll choose the winner (by way of drawing a name out of a hat).
Hint: if Jon is the only person that enters, he AUTOMATICALLY wins.
Another hint: Don’t get too used to this giveaway thing. It’s reserved for only very special occasions, like unveiling new templates, 89th post celebrations, and the such.
Have You Ever…?
Swam with dolphins?
Climbed a mountain?
Held a tarantula?
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise?
Seen the Northern Lights?
Grown and eaten your own vegetables?
Touched an iceberg?
Slept under the stars?
Changed a baby's diaper?
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon?
Watched a meteor shower?
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment?
Bet on a winning horse?
Asked out a stranger?
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can?
Held a lamb?
Seen a total eclipse?
Given the eulogy at a hamster’s funeral?
Hit a home run?
Adopted an accent for an entire day?
Watched wild whales?
Stolen a sign?
Backpacked in Europe?
Gone rock climbing?
Gone sky diving?
Called your own daughter “Jerry”?
Alphabetized your CDs?
Gone scuba diving?
Gone to a drive-in theater?
Taken a martial arts class?
Been in a movie?
Been a member of Papa Roach?
Made cookies from scratch?
Won first prize in a costume contest?
Gotten a tattoo?
Rafted the Snake River?
Got flowers for no reason?
Performed on stage?
Gone to Thailand?
Broken both wrists at the same time in a cheerleading stunt gone awry?
Bought a house?
Been on a cruise ship?
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour?
Consumed your own weight in candy within a 24 hour period?
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge?
Had major surgery?
Thrown away pet hermit crabs that weren't dead, just hibernating?
Lost over 100 pounds?
Petted a stingray?
Broken someone's heart?
Helped an animal give birth?
Won money on a T.V. game show?
Gone on an African Safari?
Fired a revolver?
Fallen off a horse ?
Been attacked from behind while rollerblading, fallen on top of the person, inadvertently broken their femur, then skated away?
Had a snake as a pet?
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon?
Slept for more than 12 hours at a time?
Visited all 7 continents?
Slid a coin into the roof rack of the family vehicle before a cross-country drive and watched everyone slowly go crazy from the rattling?
Had your picture in the newspaper?
Eaten fried green tomatoes?
Killed and prepared an animal for eating?
Skipped all your school reunions?
Gone to a foreign country and contracted a seemingly incurable ailment?
Been elected to some sort of office?
Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you?
Shaved your head?
Caused a car accident?
Saved someone's life?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
This picture was taken after we'd each eaten a huge plate. I should have had some clue as to how enormous the finished product would be since the original recipe called for TWO HEADS OF CABBAGE... but I was still pretty overwhelmed. Also, can I please point out the spread of my toes on my left foot? Total accident, I swear.
Anyway, you should make it.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Me [reading the news]: Wasn’t there already a hurricane named “Bertha”? Do they reuse names?
Friend: I thought there was one named Bertha already, too. Maybe they do reuse them after a certain amount of time.
Me: That’s dumb. There are lots of names out there. They shouldn’t reuse any. Has there ever even been a hurricane Jessica?
So I did a little google search, and the following article came up. How random is it that I found this??
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
...And one of me as a BRUNETTE, circa my wedding, 2004.
It's easy to do...review the options, and click a button. Thanks in advance to the three of you that vote.
Monday, July 07, 2008
My flight was supposed to leave Tucson at 6:15. After 30 minutes, we were going to land in Phoenix, where I would have a leisurely hour to find my gate and read a few chapters of my most recent book, “Naked” by David Sedaris, before boarding the last flight to Calgary.
At 7:00, we were sitting on the runway in Tucson facing a black wall of clouds. A monsoon had started building as we boarded, and by the time we had pushed back from the gate, all flights had been grounded. No one was taking off, and no one was landing. The pilot informed us that the air traffic controllers were monitoring the storm, but that it would probably be at least another 20-30 minutes before we would be able to take off. The good news was that we were sitting on the runway, facing the storm, and we would be first to take off once flights were given the green light. So we sat and stared into the black abyss, watching the lightning strike and worrying about our connections in Phoenix. After a few more minutes, raindrops started splashing on the windows, and I was convinced that we’d be stuck there for another hour. So it was a huge surprise when the captain came over the air again and told us we’d been cleared for take-off. The stewardesses bustled back to their seats and as soon as they were buckled in, he put the hammer down and we took off into the storm. It. Was. AWESOME. Three seconds into the air, you couldn’t see anything but dark swirling clouds. LIGHTNING WAS STRIKING ALL AROUND US, and we bounced this way and that. The pilot was trying to get above the storm as quickly as possible, and I’m not kidding you, we experienced g-force from the upward motion. It was insane. I was grinning like a maniac, but the guy next to me was white-knuckling the arm rests with his eyes tightly shut. What a baby. I told myself while we were flying through that storm that even if I missed my connection and had to fly to Calgary the next morning, this alone had made it worth it. But then I changed my mind, because I really didn’t want to spend the night in Phoenix and miss half of my trip to Alberta.
After we landed and as we taxied to the gate, everyone was asked to please remain seated unless you had a tight connection. It seemed promising, but as soon as the “fasten seat belt” sign was turned off, every single person jumped up from their seats and jammed the aisles. I’d like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume that they all had tight connections, or loose bowels or something, but I think that for the most part, they were all just jerks.
I’d been forced to gate-check my rolling suitcase, and of course it wasn’t waiting for me by the time I finally made it off the airplane. So I bypassed the waiting crowds and ran up the jetway to find my next flight. Thankfully, Jon had been on the phone with customer service trying to figure out where I needed to go, and the gate was literally directly across from where I’d just disembarked. The digital sign above the attendants read “Phoenix to Calgary: Doors close at 7:40”. It was 7:50. I looked and the door was……closed. I wanted to start instantly spraying tears everywhere, but instead I asked if I’d missed the flight to Calgary. Nope, they hadn’t even started boarding yet. THANK YOU. I ran back down the jetway to find my bag (almost got stopped by a mean-looking girl at the counter) and of course, it still hadn’t come off the plane. No one’s had. We had a running commentary from the people at the window, though, and apparently the bags were coming on the World’s Slowest Transportation Device. “It’s getting closer…..closer…..closer….closer…..” (this went on for 5 minutes. How long is an airplane, anyway??) By the time I got my bag, I stepped out of the gate and straight into the line for my next flight. The entire experience took at least four years off my life.
The old man sitting next to me on my flight to Calgary was really friendly, and only a little bit creepy (“If this plane were any smaller, we’d be holding hands!”). Every time I began to read a sentence in my book, he’d ask me a question. This happened five times in succession. But it was funny, because after that, I started asking HIM questions, and every time he tried to answer one, someone would make an announcement over the intercom. This happened three times in succession. We gave up talking for a while, until he started telling me about buying his yacht and sailing around the world for two years. All of a sudden his holding hands comment seemed less creepy, and more like something that might, just might be a good idea. Except that he was really old. And he had lint in his hair. I didn’t tell him about it, because he took up more than his half of the leg room. It would have never worked between us.
Jon picked me up at midnight, and we got to Lethbridge at about 3 in the morning. Met my new niece and nephew in the morning. They're even cuter in person. Little Nolan (the one with the teeth) is scooting around like crazy. Norah, the newborn, never made a single noise the entire two days I was there. Apparently, the only time she's ever actually cried was when she got her shots. Other than that, it's a little whimper here or there, lots of gurgling, and that's about it. Quietest baby ever.
Jon's cousin was getting married that day and we went to the ceremony in the morning and to a family lunch later that afternoon. We got Slurpies (they're better there) and poutine inbetween. In case you've never heard of poutine (I never had, until I met Jon), this is how it goes. A pile of french fries mixed with hot gravy and melty cheese. Delicious. Even more delicious because you can't get it in the States, and I look forward to it each time I go to Canada. It didn't let me down this time. In fact, I got it twice.
After the wedding festivities, we went for a drive South of Jon's hometown, Raymond, and enjoyed the dark skies against the green fields. And yellow. There were yellow fields, too. Fields of canola.
After our drive, we went to visit our friend (and Jon's second cousin) Bill. He lived in Tucson for a few months when we first moved here, and we became really good friends with him, his wife, and especially his three daughters. It was so much fun to see them again...it's been a year since they moved!
The next day we went to Waterton Lakes National Park with Kelsey, Jake and Norah. Jon and I tried to get a good picture of the two of us, but apparently the forces were against us. The wind/Jon/people taking the pictures were not cooperating. For example: We asked my brother-in-law, Jake, to take a picture of us by the lake. Jon asked him to try and fit the mountain in, as well. When I checked the camera, this is what I found.
And that wasn't the only one..there were THREE just like it. It seriously made my day. So then we staged a re-do, but Jon was sabotaging my plans.
Then we tried another one at Cameron Lake, but the wind was ridiculous. And Jon's triangle-hair was ridiculous, too.
This one looks promising, until you look at Jon's face. Is he doing this on purpose? Or was he caught off-guard? You decide.
The trip home wasn't quite as absurd as the trip there, although I did end up next to a gassy guy on my flight from Calgary to Phoenix. It was so appallingly revolting that the best thing I could do was try to will myself to sleep and hope that the stench didn't force me awake. It actually worked - I slept most of the way there. The time I wasn't asleep was spent facing away from him and holding my breath. He's lucky I didn't pass out.
And that was my trip, in a nutshell.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Man on Phone: The airport grant ID is 'E', as in 'ABCDE'…'S', as in…………'Sam'…..
For about two seconds after he said "S", I thought I was going to have to sit through nearly the entire alphabet.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
I'm such a nerd. Why do I love these so much? More importantly, why are cats so funny??
This reminds me of the good news. Our upstairs neighbors skipped town. They were The Worst Possible Neighbors In History. Seriously. Did they scream obscenities at each other at all hours of the night? Yes. Did they turn their stupid music on full blast at 6:00 am EVERY SINGLE MORNING WITHOUT FAIL? Yes. Was the husband a complete thug? Yes. Did the woman have fried-egg-slung-on-a-nail boobs and walk around the complex in a white see-through tank top with no bra? Yes. Did they obtain a destructive pit bull that made horrific yelping noises for hours at a time? Was our apartment constantly a hot-box as a result of their pot-smoking habit? Were they the most lead-footed humans alive, causing ceiling fans to tremble every time they crossed a room? Yes, yes, and yes. We complained on them at least three times, then apparently one day they just up and left without letting even management know. Abandoned most of their stuff and scrammed out of there. Thank GOODNESS.
When was the last time anyone ate a Fig Newton? I was at Walgreens the other day and out of the blue I started craving them, so I bought myself a box. And they’re surprisingly delicious. The last time I had one must have been in elementary school.
Tonight will be spent preparing for a trip up to Alberta. Jon surprised his family by flying up there on Sunday for Canada Day, and since it’s a three day weekend, I was able to plan a quick trip up as well. I’ll only have two full days to spend, but I’ve got a niece and a nephew there that I’ve never even met so it will be well worth the trip. I posted this picture of Norah a while back. Here's one of Nolan. He's six months old and has a mouth riddled with teeth.
The trip up is actually, surprisingly, not as far as you would think. My total flight time is just three and a half hours. I’m a little nervous, though, because I’ve never flown international by myself. I’ve been working on checklist of stuff to take for over a week (of course), and CAMERA is written (just like that, all caps) at the very top. I’m sure I’ll post pictures when I get back, but in the meantime, here are a few from our last trip up. It’s such a beautiful area.
(That's Jon in the green shirt walking to the end of the dock. There are at least two reasons why this picture is awesome, and I don't find it necessary to point them out.)
And I just remembered I was supposed to post pictures of our new couches, too. Here they are. The leather is a deep espresso (the color looks a little off in the pictures because of the flash), and the wood at the bottom is a red cherry. I LOVE them. I was so sick of looking at our old ones that I almost went crazy. Seriously. Ask Jon. I was losing my mind.
Anyway, I'm assuming this will be my last post before the weekend. Happy Fourth of July!